MARTHA STEWART DISEASE
by DONNA LYPCHUK

Here are some early warning signs that you may be suffering
from "Martha Stewart Disease."
*You have an obsession with hanging swags of brightly colored
fabric from curtain rods.
*Your house is decorated with plaster-cast gremlins and angels.
*Every shoebox and empty tin can in the house has been
dcoupaged with flowers cut out from old wrapping paper.
*You float candles in the punch bowl at parties.
*You use a gold ink pen to sign all your cards and to leave
little notes around the house.
*You have glass jars filled with dried rose petals everywhere.
*There are pots and pots of herbs on your windowsill, and each
herb is painstakingly labelled, along with a hand-drawnpicture
of the herb.
*You've made a doormat with a sunflower design on it out of
old bottle-caps.
*If given the choice, you would rather spend your weekend in
Canadian Tire than be taken out for a good dinner.

DEFINITE SYMPTOMS OF MARTHA STEWART DISEASE
*You polish every lettuce leaf with a clean white cloth until
each one shines like a newly waxed car fender before you put
it in the bowl.
*You save snowballs from last winter in your fridge, in case
you need them to create an ice-sculpture centrepiece.
*You have tie-dyed all of your T-shirts with dyes made from
vegetables grown in your garden.
*You've made wind chimes out of old coconut shells.
*Your hedges have all been pruned to resemble chess pieces.
*Your salads consist mainly of nasturtiums and pansies.
*Every chunk of cheese on your cheese tray comes with a
toothpick and a little flag upon which is clearly labeled
the cheese's country of origin.
*Your hair looks like a bonsai tree.
*You hoard cookie cutters in all sizes, shapes and colors
in a kitchen drawer and nobody is allowed to touch them.
*You insist on using ostrich eggs instead of regular-size
eggs for the annual Easter egg hunt.
*You put rouge on your children's cheeks so they'll look all
fresh and rosy and apple-cheeked when company comes over.