The
Very best
of
the
USA
Elections
Did you hear that Ralph Nader,
George W. Bush and Al Gore found themselves the only ones in a liferaft
after a shipwreck? There was only one life vest so they decided to vote
on who would wear it. Nader received 1 vote . . . . Bush received 1 vote
. . .and Gore received 7 votes.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a
world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have
never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Through
the magic of modern technology we have been able to look ahead and determine
the fate of those involved in the American election fiasco . . . .
George W. Bush goofed at his
inauguration by saying, "I'm tired of people treating the presidency like
its some kind of federal job. Created an international incident when he
called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat
Warren Beatty.
Al Gore never did concede the
election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file
patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had
him committed to a sanitarium. Spent his final years ordering nurses at
Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
Joe Lieberman went back to U.S.
Senate and continued his campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after
photos surfaced on the internet depicting him in compromising positions with
Dr. Laura.
Dick Cheney scared children at
the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus.
Wanted to declare ware on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed
his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner
with Ellen DeGeneres. President Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when
he said, "It wasn't a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick Cheney to
resume his duties as vice president later this week".
Warren Christopher's distinguished
life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway
station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised
eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as "my secretary
of state" and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After
delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an
open-mouth kiss.
James A. Baker III, as a reward
for his loyalty, was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of
George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration.
After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on "The
Simpsons".
Jeb Bush loses his re-election
bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming
the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in
Miami-Dade. Later was appointed Attorney General by his big brother.
Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him "Bobby" at
Cabinet meetings.
Bill Clinton had his compromise
proposal to remain President the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly
pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced his wife Hillary.
Spent his final years as a broken man, running Po Boy
Billy's BBQ stand in Arkansas.
Katherine Harris became a
partner with Tammy Faye Baker in developing a line of beauty-care
products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated for best supporting
actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifetime ambition
when nominated in 2028 as ambassador to Chad.
Chief Justice Charles Wells,
the Florida Supreme Court jurist, left the bench to star in WB courtroom
show "Judge Chuck". Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a
wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband's sister is
not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by the U.S. Supreme
Court.
This is legitimate.
In a
statewide poll released yesterday (30 November), nearly two out of every
three Florida voters accept George W. Bush as their next president.
One out of every four people who identified
themselves as Al Gore voters now consider Bush the state's official winner.
Questions asked and results of the poll are as
follows:
Do
You Accept George W. Bush as the official winner in Florida?
Overall White
Black Hispanic
Yes 62% 68% 12% 68%
No 37%
31% 87%
32%
Not Sure 1%
1% 1%
0%
Should
Al Gore continue to contest the statewide election results?
Yes 43%
38% 88%
36%
No 54%
58% 11%
62%
Not Sure 3%
4%
1%
2%
Was
the election process fair or unfair?
Fair 56%
Unfair 38%
Not Sure 6%
Were
the recount results accurate or inaccurate?
Accurate 55%
Inaccurate 38%
Not Sure 7%
Who
do you believe really won the election?
George W. Bush 55%
Al Gore
31%
Not Sure
14%
If
you think that is difficult to understand, wait until it comes time to let
the computer pick the two teams that will play for the collegiate football
national championship.