My Dear,
I'm so miffed at hotmail for clearing me out like that. I had saved all your e-letters and had it in mind to one day gather and shape them into something resembling an account of some type. Please, in future save a draft will you - mind you, on saying that I remember with Hotmail it was a bit of a faff around; with Lycos it's simply a case of ticking a little box.

So since we were last in contact you seem to have come a long way, but still you say you are bored. I must be a very shallow person I think, because if I had work, my own place and a laptop computer I'd be well satisfied. I am impressed, obviously all that stuff doesn't really mean anything to you - you seem to crave something deeper - are you thinking of ordaining again I wonder?

Now that you've been 'out' for a while it would be nice to hear what sort of things you miss (if anything) whenever you reflect on your time spent in robes. Robert thinks you will miss that sense of belonging; the family thing, I guess he means. I sort of understand; both you and Robert are gregarious types whereas I seem to have this knack for shunning people. If you are bored as you say just remember that someone with your qualities for helping others should be able to find some noble cause to become involved with, wherever you happen to be, be it Europe or Asia.

I've sort of - more or less - decided to stay on here and study for the exams all the Thais here have to take. This plan could change of course and probably will as I seem to fluctuate so much these days. One of the reasons I'm thinking along these lines is that if we are studying we surmise we will be left alone. Perhaps I'm selfish but I don't really want to be in a situation where I feel beholden to some Thai Ajahn or other. I find them difficult to endure at the best of times, if one was doing me big favours regarding visas I would start to think they probably had an hidden agenda and consequently would begin to resent being in their debt . I would feel my independence was being compromised and that's something I usually find intolerable. Trapped beneath the will of another.
I think that's what keeps me locked out actually - prevents me from belonging to anything.

I'll leave you with an account of some of the time I spent in the south on Ko Panghun.

I found a temple recommended to me by the very kind but barmy Jhao Khun Win - who knew what I was looking for or so I thought but really I should have known better. Still it was (is?) situated on one of the islands and as I hadn't yet visited this particular one thought I'd take a look. It was actually very peaceful - although there were periods where it was a bit like living at Brands Hatch what with the tourist scooters whizzing round the place and it being so close to the main road. On the whole pleasant enough though.

The abbot was away at the time leading a meditation course some where on the mainland when I arrived and the only monk there was a certain Ajahn Daeng caretaking as it were - I shall never forget Ajahn Daeng.

After describing to him the type of place I was searching for the following day he took me to an idyllic little temple tucked out of the way but before I would be able to stay there I was to understand I would need to inform the regional head monk of my intentions.

Needless to say this lovely - just what we're looking for - little spot belongs to the Mahanikaya camp. No problem it's not as if we're at war with one another - I think - not totally sure.

Anyway I decided to stay a polite week with AD as he was alone and had no one to help him sweep the leaves which the temple was up to it's knees in it being Autumn and all.
An interesting seven days.

We began at 3a.m - well AD did at least , I managed to prise myself awake and join him in meditation at 4a.m. At 5a.m we would go through the morning service together though due to AD's policy of not lying down during the day he would be mumbling and nodding his way through it all as though he were asleep (he may well have been) and this he repeated each day - I want to say ' religiously' but I'm not sure that's the most appropriate word.

By the end of the week I knew the sections which he was likely to be slurring the most unintelligibly and would step in to lead. That was the morning, during the day he would keep himself busy with various projects and that particular week he was building a tower to house the dustbin. Actually it wasn't as daft an idea as it sounds.

He'd noticed where the bin was placed was usually swarming with ants. Next to it was a twelve foot drop to the ground, so he had the idea to stick the bin next to where it used to be but so that it would no longer be touching the side wall of the kitchen area. To show willing I gave him a bit of help to get started but as there was a fair amount of building work going on in the temple at the time and a work party already at hand I sneaked away the first opportunity I could.

A week later I was about ready to go. Taking my leave of Ajahn Daeng I left by car in search of the regional head who apparently was residing at a temple on another part of the island.

I found him without too much trouble but for some peculiar reason he denied being who he was and told me the person I was looking for was in the main Sala. Thankfully the Thai layperson who had driven me there had already pointed him out so on a little pushing he eventually sort of admitted to being him. Confused? I doubt as much as I was.

When he said I could stay I was relieved ( though thinking on it, it wasn't up to him to give me permission but there you go ) until he added "but don't stay long". At that point I was beginning to miss Ajahn Daeng and decided to go back and stay with him.
At any rate, I wouldn't have felt right plonked in paradise whilst AD was having to sweep all those leaves by himself. So I went back.

The next day a couple of young monks and an elderly Mae Chi turned up.
Now at that point I'm obliged to stay as I've already told AD I would at least until the end of the month, at the time another three weeks away.

Then things got weird. Cue strange music - "You are now entering..."

AD is from Isaan - so are the young monks. AD is over 40 - the young monks in their early 20's. AD's been a monk going on for twenty years the kids have just ordained. Up to that point having spent some time with AD I'm beginning to think how nice it is living with someone who's genuinely 'treading the spiritual path'.

That afternoon the three of them caught a monitor lizard. To impress the junior monks AD (forgive me for telling tales) held it by it's middle and neck and began dive bombing one of the temple dogs who's name happens to be Bear. Bear is fairly distraught naturally. Everyone laps it up. I feel let down and walk away.
Later when we're alone I tell AD what I think as he had already given me permission to correct him if I ever heard or saw him doing something I deemed inappropriate. When I'd finished saying my piece he thanked me good naturedly and said he would try not to do it again. It was all very pleasant and I felt my faith restored. This event took place the afternoon the first day they (those pesky kids) came.
That evening at the service AD decides to lead the chanting using a microphone and amplifier that he's set up.

Now the room itself isn't that big and there's only four or five of us there. It's obviously just a good opportunity for some Karaoke.

Let me just say it was LOUD, so loud in fact I literally couldn't hear myself chanting. Oh well, I thought at least he wouldn't dare do the same on the morning.

When he switched on that amp at 5a.m and began the service at the same volume as the previous night something inside me broke I swear. Still slurring and nodding as usual only this time fully amplified, at that time in the morning I started to question Ajahn Daeng's sanity.
I couldn't very easily pull him up about it I would have appeared as if I was pushing my luck I'm sure.


My chance to escape came a few weeks later when a monk showed up and invited me to visit one of the other islands. I returned again to see AD after a month away and found no one was attending the morning services anymore. Only AD alone with his microphone.    next 4