|
Ittirak's mother,
Tida Smithsuwan: |
|
Ittirak Smithsuwan is 36. He has had the HIV virus for 17 years now.
Ittirak's parents separated when he was only three years old. He lived with his father, who was very strict with him.
``My father was hot-tempered. When I made mistakes, he hit or kicked me. I was so scared,'' he said.
But he said that now he knew his father was trying to give him discipline and he had no bad feelings toward him.
When Ittirak began his Matthayom 1 studies, he ran away from home. His father found him. This happened many times. Finally, he lived with a friend whom his father didn't know.
He first lived with his friend in the Pra Cha Chuen District for three months. Then he stayed with another friend in the Klong Toey slums, where he worked for a gas station.
He left the slums and rented an apartment with some friends and he became a dancer on Silom Road. His earnings helped him continue with his studies.
``I studied and worked at the same time for several years,'' he said.
As a teenager, he rejoiced in his freedom and the easy sexual encounters with those who frequented the nightclub areas. In the early 80s there was little information about Aids, which became known in Thailand only in 1984. In 1985, when he was 19 years old, he wondered why he often had a high fever. His mother asked a doctor to check his blood. That was when he learned that he was HIV-positive. ``I was stunned,'' he said.
The doctor told him to get out of that hospital within 30 minutes, since the hospital did not accept HIV-infected patients.
He left the hospital and went back to the apartment he shared with his two friends. He was extremely depressed. ``I wanted to do nothing, talk to nobody, eat nothing. The only one thing I wanted to do was to die because I did not want to be a burden to anyone,'' he said.
A few days later his mother came to visit him. She stayed and took care of him every day. His depression lessened, and his dream of becoming closer to his mother became a reality.
``I love my mother so much. I didn't want to see her cry due to my being discouraged. I did not want her to see my sorrow, so I tried to overcome all and cure myself,'' he said.
Ittirak's mother, Tida Smithsuwan, who is now 61 years old, has shown compassion for him from the start. ``I was afraid that my son would die. I didn't know how long he would live with me. I felt so sorry for him. I never blamed him, and I never wanted to ask him how he got the HIV virus.
``Even if he made a mistake in his life, he is still my dearest son. I felt so guilty for being unable to protect him from the virus. If I had given him more love, more warmth, and more time, this terrible fate wouldn't have come to him,'' she said.
TURNING POINT
The year 1993 was a critical time for Ittirak. A team from the Siam Studio asked him to be a presenter for their Aids campaign. He had to decide if he was willing to expose himself to the public.
Ittirak decided to accept the request to let people know that the infected are real people walking around among them.
``The reason why I allowed myself to be exposed to the public was to make people understand that infected and healthy people can live together in families and in society,'' he said. Ittirak's becoming the Aids poster boy in Thailand drew varied reactions, but he is proud of his action.
``Many HIV-infected people developed the will to live. This was because they saw me, an infected person, who had lived for nine years.
``Many un-infected people encouraged me. The loathing for HIV-infected people is lessening.''
But he said there are many who remain prejudiced and fear the HIV-positive. Ittirak's family members got the flak as well. His brother's friends were afraid that his brother would infect them since he had lived with him. ``My brother's friends didn't understand that infected and normal people can live together. However, after we explained the facts to them, they began to accept me,'' Ittirak said.
``HIV-positive people also feel pain, suffering, happiness and sadness. We are just like you. But we feel more pain because we have a terminal disease. We pray that society will not add to our burdens by rejecting us, by taking away from us the right to work. We need the chance to show what we can do. We want to be needed too.''
He said HIV-infected people do not want pity. They need to live with others, without prejudice or discrimination, he said.
``Infected people do not want to be burdens on society. Society turns them into burdens by treating them with disgust,'' he said.
THE HOPE CLUB
Ittirak and his mother set up the Life and Hope Club in August 1993. The small club is at their house. After Ittirak's media exposure, many came to the club, which dispensed advice to HIV patients on how to sustain and take care of themselves. The club also helped families understand how the infected can live with the uninfected. This was perhaps the most important task of the club.
The club also offered counselling and helped the members concentrate on the present moment only.
``They should not be depressed about past mistakes. They should not worry about future illness. This is not useful. The best way is to try and cure themselves,'' Tida said.
The club is not able to help people much financially, although Tida and her son manage to scrape together some cash for those who can't pay for their transportation, medicine or food.
Ittirak said: ``This club is too small to be credible to donors. We have not received any donations. Perhaps prospective donors are thinking that such a small club cannot work as well as larger organisations or foundations.''
``Actually, this small club works effectively,'' said Tida, ``because we fully work by heart and we do not have to ask anybody for consent.''
After 17 years of living with HIV, his determination to help others remains strong. ``But I admit that there have been times when I felt so discouraged,'' he said.
``But when I was very ill, many of the club's members called me and said that I must survive. I felt so very exhausted then, but they inspired me to live as never before. Their words helped me fight this illness because I realised that many infected people depended on me,'' he said.
Ittirak said: ``Though I am sick and very exhausted sometimes, I have to pretend to be cheerful when I meet them. I do not want others to feel discouraged.''
Tida Smithsuwan has her own cross to bear. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer in 1999.
``I am still willing to assist the Aids infected people. My illness helps me understand what they feel.
``I know they do not feel confident about themselves or their fate. They don't even know what will happen tomorrow. I know I have not much time for living, so I do the best I can, as much as I can.''
DHAMMA IS BEST MEDICINE
Dr Churit Tengtraisorn said that he uses Dhamma to treat his Aids patients.
He suggests to his patients that they apply some Buddhist principles to their ways of life. He urges them to meditate.
``Medical research has found that stress affects the number of CD4 cells. These practices help lessen anxiety and stress and could increase the number of CD4 cells,'' said the doctor.
He said it is stress that worsens the conditions of Aids patients. Kaew agrees. She said: ``Dhamma and meditation helps us calm down. When we are calm, we are healthier.''
Dr Churit said: ``I help my patients think that they are only ordinary people who happen to have the HIV disease. If they can control their minds and stop stress, they will live happily.''
Dr Churit adds: ``HIV-infected people are human beings
who happen to have an incurable disease. This makes them suffer so much.
Don't hate them. Our hate is because we don't know about their disease.
If we try to learn about this disease and talk to the patients, our hate
and fear will fade away.''