I bought this VHS tape fully expecting to hate it. I've decided that my reviews are much funnier when I can't stand the subject matter. If O-Town puts out a video, I'll be on it like white on rice.
I suppose I should let you all know what my position on Britney is right here, right now, so you can choose not to read this review if you don't want to. I enjoy Britney's music, and I own both her CDs. I don't think she's a fabulous singer, but she's not tone deaf (like I am). I think she's deluded herself into thinking she's got some kind of influence on the path of her career, and doesn't think she's as much of a product as she actually is, which almost makes me feel sorry for her. She's a pretty girl, yes, but not everyone's goal in life is to be a pretty girl, so do me a favor and remember that while you're writing me hate mail telling me that I'm just jealous.
Let's get the show on the road.
her
performance, a plane, and what I think is the Hawaiian skyline, but it's
just a couple of buildings so it could be downtown Milwaukee for all I
know. The perky announcer tells us that there are thousands of fans welcoming
Britney to Hawaii. She says "Hawaii" in that accent that means that she
must actually be Hawaiian, 'cause nobody else says Hah-vai-ee like that.
We learn that the announcer is Bernadette something-or-other from Channel
2 News, and that Britney's concert is going to be the biggest ever on Waikiki.
Wow. That looks like actual, legit news footage.
Opening graphic says Britney Spears Live and More! They punctuated the title of the video with an exclamation point, which means that this is just an indication of more annoying things to come. Britney and two random girls on a boat say, "Aloha!" Montage of random Hawaii things and Britney videos. Britney says, "I love it here in Hawaii. I was on the beach and a couple of kids came up to me like 'Oh my God are you Britney?' and I said, 'I'm not that girl. I don't know what you're talking about.'" Then there's a really big montage of things that happen in the video. This is so stupid. Why do they do this? We're gonna see it all eventually. This is like, ruining the surprise. I want to find the editor of this video and hit him/her over the head repeatedly with a big Nerf bat. Or maybe an axe.
and
matching pants. The pants have a white heart on the butt. I don't care
to comment on, let alone understand, why she's got a white heart on her
butt. It's just very unnecessary. It adds nothing to the performance whatsoever.
It just makes me sit here and talk about Britney's butt much more than
I'd care to. So anyway. We're still in the whacked-out version of "Baby
One More Time" and Britney goes into one of the lockers that's set up behind
her on the set. The dancers all act corny and wordlessly ask the audience
if anyone's seen her. Ugh. Can this be over now?
Britney pops out of a different locker and they go into "You Drive Me Crazy." If anyone's wondering if Britney's singing live or not, there's no way. I'm sorry. She's not. Shots of girls singing along in the audience. Britney's in-ear monitors have both fallen out, and she's still lip-synching along right on beat, which, to be fair, has got to be kinda hard.
Britney's back on stage now in a
cute green skirt and matching halter top. She does that "How y'all feeling?
I said, 'How y'all feelin'??!!'" thing that performers do that I
hate so much. She intros the next song,�
"Sometimes,"
and proceeds to lip-synch through it. It's really pointless for her to
have that microphone in her hand. The dancers throw out beach balls into
the crowd. Britney tries to kick one in her high-heeled thong shoes and
it goes nowhere.
him home. To his home in the sewer. Woodrow sings her a song about� something.
I have no idea. It's messed up, man. Britney and Woodrow confess their
love for each other, and Britney is called back to the surface by her manager.
Woodrow sings his song about doodoo pie again, then goes to bed.
Britney is back in Hawaii now, practicing her dance moves with her choreographers and dancers. She stubs her toe, and that's the highlight of this segment. One of her background dancers talks about how they eat a lot and then run the stairs at the venues for exercise. And they shop a lot. Must be tough.
it trashy looking. At least there's no heart on her ass.
Britney walks down the staircase on her stage and approaches the guy who's been dubbed as the "Ultimate Heartbreaker." She banters with him a little bit, talking to him like he's five years old. "What's your name? Is it okay if I dedicate this next song to you?" His name is Peter. Too easy.
I've come to the conclusion that
Britney speaks to everyone like they're in Kindergarten. It's so annoying.
So anyway, she banters, banters, blah blah blah, then sits on Peter's lap
and sings "From the Bottom of My Broken�
Heart."
Peter fights a hard-on. The dancers run on stage and take a Polaroid of
Britney with the Peter. They're using a Polaroid I-Zone camera, which Britney
does advertising for. Raise your hand if you like non-ironic product placement!
Okay now put your hand down because you're a dumbass. Britney keeps singing
the damn song. God, do I hate this song. Screw this. I'm watching the rest
of this performance on mute. Here's what happens: Britney scrunches up
her face and moves her mouth while pointing at the audience. She's got
approximately 2.3 liters of lip gloss on. She walks to the other side of
the stage. Wiggles her hips. Grins and places her hand on her neck. Yup,
still there, Brit. She smiles really big so I can check her mouth for cavities,
and then the camera fades out.
It's so much easier to recap Britney's songs when there's no sound. Okay, time to un-mute. Sigh.
The next segment is Britney and her annoying friends. Britney describes her friends (without using the word "annoying." But she should.) and they all go para sailing. Britney screams a lot. I do too, but not for the same reason. No, my screams are from pure boredom. Britney tells the camera that that was the "funnest" thing she's ever done in her life, which is my cue to roll my eyes.
She dances around in her cute tube top-type thing... wait. Hold on. What
the fuck is this? What the hell is going on? No. No. This is wrong. All
of a sudden there's this salsa break in the middle of the song! No! Don't
you fucking ruin one of the few songs I can stand from you. Dammit. Dammit
dammit dammit. Sigh. Too late. She's salsa dancing around at a completely
different tempo. Stupid fucking Britney.
The salsa break ends and she goes back to singing the song all normally. I'm going to try to erase the last forty-five seconds from my brain so I can at least pretend there's something redeeming about this video. Song ends. Cheesy smile.
Ya know how I just said it was a great lead-in? Yeah. I was lying. This video is so random. It's like Britney Potpourri.
So
Britney and Tim Meadows watch Chris Kattan be really funny dancing to Britney's
songs. It's kinda sad that there are four people on the screen and only
one of them is at all amusing. I love you, Chris!
Hah. Britney cracked. She's laughing at Chris Kattan. Which is okay, because he's hilarious.
The video for "Oops!...I Did It Again" is up next. Or wait. It's not the video... it's the performance.
Now it's the video again.
Now it's the performance. She's singing live, which means it's time for the mute button! Britney finishes the song and blows kisses to the audience.
She comes out from backstage with a handheld mic and intros "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know." Again, she's talking to the audience like they have a collective IQ of 75. Actually, they do seem to be enjoying her show a lot, so maybe they do have a collective IQ of 75. Hmm.
Britney tries to do vocal improvisations, so I hit the mute button again. She's sitting on a stool, which also means that she has no stage presence. No moving, no entertaining. She just sits there and points a lot.
hundred
Flintstones sequels, and it won't be enough." Hahahahaha.
"She does not front. So don't even ask." Oh man. Britney's a good straight character. Hehehe. She don't front.
"The
Beat Goes On" features Britney trying to do a British accent and wearing
an ugly hat. The dancing is cool, though.
Awww... Britney gets to swim with a dolphin. That's so cute. The dolphin has much better camera presence than Britney. I love this dolphin. The dolphin trainer shows Britney how to tap her fingers on top of the dolphin's nose and the dolphin "sings." "She's not a good singer, but she tries," says the trainer. I think he's talking about Britney. That segment was way too short. I want more dolphins. Instead, I get the video for "Lucky."
I hate the "Lucky" video. The director, David Meyers, fades between scenes and over-dramatizes everything. Fast forwarding... and up next is the "Oops!" video, which I'm not going to talk about, and the "Stronger" video, which is awesome.
"Britney Springs a Surprise" features Britney showing up at a random classroom in Hawaii. "I hope the teacher doesn't get mad!" she says. Can you imagine being a teacher and having Britney just waltz in, take over the class, and say, "I'm here to answer questions!" in her kindergarten voice? The questions, by the way, aren't interesting at all. Britney answers them patiently, then says she wants a group hug from everyone in the class. She tells them to be good for their teacher and "do good in school." Heh. Do "good," Britney?
The "Baby One More Time" performance
is next. Britney comes out wearing a cute tie-dyed outfit and a matching
armband. She's showing her solidarity. For what, I don't know. Uneducated
Performers of the World, maybe? The song ends, there are lots of fireworks,
and the credits roll.
Thank God.