TO BYFAITH`S TESTIMONY

Pull up a chair, and grab a cup of coffee, this is long.
Everyone has there version of horror stories,each believing
that theirs is the worse.Well I don't believe that mine
is the worst. I have heard worse, and I do know that I am
fortunate that only this has happened, but when it has
happened to you, you don't think of how lucky you are.

Your scars are as hurtful as mine regardless how you got
them. When I was young, I thought being saved meant not
going to hell and that was about it. I attended church
regularly with family but never quite opened myself up
to God. I wanted to believe, so that was enough. Baptism
to me was a source of fear not joy.This should have clued
me in that I was not ready. My belief that believing in
God was enough lasted through youth and the first part of
adulthood. It took tragic events to change me. During my
later teen years, my mother and I had a "falling out". We
barely spoke for a year. In an act of rebellion, I married
a man who was into drugs and alcohol.

In the marriage I lost my first child, during my first trimester.
Things in the marriage got worse. I got pregnant again and was
blessed with Scott.The marriage lasted ten years. I left my marriage
with no self-respect or self-esteem.Three years into my new single state
I went against everything I knew to be right and had a brief
affair. The depression that started with my marriage grew worse. Almost
a year later, the same man(that I had the affair with) tried to rape me,
and a short time later a person close to me sexually molested ( harassed,
groped,that whatever you want to call it) me.


The depression grew worse.I started attending church and participated
in church activities.I was saved and accepted God. I realized that "just
believing" was not enough. I needed to be set free. I followed Jesus in
baptism and finally was set free. Set free in a sense that a burden I had
carried had finally been lightened...Once again,I feel for a misconception.
I thought everything was smooth sailing "wrong"!

This very same year, I was involved in a serious wreck,in which my body
took a beating.The second day after the wreck, i poured my pain medication
into my hand and said "God, I can't do this anymore. I just don't want to
hurt anymore." As I raised my hand to my mouth Scott's name screamed in my
head. I looked at my hand like I had never seen it before, then put the
pills back in the bottle.

I thought about ending my life, not to die, but to stop the pain physically,
emotionally, and spiritually. I know it sounds ridiculous to say I didn't
want to die, when I was thinking about killing myself.I saw no other way
out of the pain or the feeling of being totally alone.I realize now my
relationship with God was not right. Only God could have stopped me! My
relationship with God still needs work, but I'm working on it. The depression
is still there. I battle it with God's help everyday. God means everything
to me. He has saved my life, both spiritually and literally.
written by Cathy Daugherty cc

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