Master Moose Motivator ..Mr Mel gives a rare interview on Man, Moose and the new Millenium.
For the Uninitiated Mel is Canadian mountain man world renowned for his encyclopedic knowledge of Moose..indeed it has often been said that Mel is truly in touch with his inner Moose.
Interview...
Hi Mel nice house.. bit difficult to find but certainly better than than Dan Haggerty's..
Mel.. of course Im not stupid enough to let a bear in my house.. wrecks the furniture..now cut the crap and get on with the interview..
Hmm ok..So mel I how did you first come into contact with Moose..
Mel I walked out the door..
In the UK we call Moose - Elk or Moose do you call them that here in Canada?
No we are Canadian’s only dumb Brits make up multiple confusing names for the same annimal.. besides the is already a member of the deer family named the ELK the wapiti (Cervus canadensis) so why confuse the issue..
Ok ..in your book .. “Man and Moose” you mention that Moose are not just herbivores and hinted at a much darker nature..would you care to elucidate that statement.
Mel.. In a nutshell Moose have been found with guns and human bones in there stomachs...
What do you infer from that Mel?
Mel It’s obvious.. Moose can and will eat Humans as part of their diet.. Moose are also highly trained in subversive manouvers?
What?
Mel Think of the guns.. men go out hunting Moose with guns etc.. yet the Moose.. totally unarmed and weighing half a ton is able to sneak up on the hunter and remove his arm and gun in one bite... How else could the bones and guns have been found in Moose stomachs.
So you honestly think moose are intelligent and will attack and kill humans.
Mel Sure do ..they move in highly trained units ..are well read and well trained in terrorism and counter terrorism..
Well read..where do they get books...
Mel Look around you dumbass I have over a thousand books here all hardback. Do you think it is only me reads them..
uhhh ok.. so what about this terrorism stuff where do they learn that and how come they don’t carry guns..
Mel Not many people realise it but many terrorist hide in Canada and use it as a training ground. Certain Moose have been trained by these terrorist for insurgent activities.. Why do you think so many Moose make suicide attacks on cars...
And the guns?
Mel.. Check out a moose pal, they have hooves.. makes it damn hard to hold a kaloshnikov ..wear a bandana and strap explosives to your ass..
Ah ok.. lets get onto something less..er extreme...Is there a difference between a Moose and a Deer..
Mel.. yeah about 400 lbs
Ive see a few moose and the males are a little slow moving..how come.
Mel Check out the pic below and take a wild guess..
Ahem yes .. In “Man an Moose” you talk about fanatical moose..do you mean like religous fanatics?
Mel yes there has been a drastic rise in the mooselim religon of late..very worrying.
So who is the most millitant Moose from the annals of history..(joking here)
Mel don’t joke.. everyone knows who he is..
They do?
Mel yes (whisper) Moosolini..
Surely you mean musolini the Italian dictator
Mel Daft pillock that was a friend of Hitler who was Italian and had a fondness for chickens.. We are supposed to be talking about Moose..
What is the biggest horn you have ever seen..
Mel Definately John Holmes hes massive a good 14 in...
No NO i meant antlers..biggest set of antler horns..
Mel oh right.. gee..er perhaps we can leave that bit out of the interview right?
You have a solution to the global fuel prob ..what is it
Mel LPMG
LPMG ?
Mel Liquid Petroleum Moose Gas. Basically if each family kept 3 moose and collected the gas they produced they could heat there entire house for the year.. plus it has other advantage...
Like what?
Mel Well the stink keeps the neighbours and mother in laws away...
How would you suggest hunters protect themselves from a Moose..
Mel There are several things you should do..Most important - take along a a friend from the city... and always keep 2 bullets in reserve. A spare credit card is always handy too...
Ok Why take the friend is that for backup.?
Mel No let me set the scene here... Sit back and take a few deep breaths.. thats it.. now close your eyes and picture an idylic mountain scene.. The Air is fresh and clean with just a scent of apsen leaves wafting by.. theres a gentle hum of insects going about there business.. and in a glade a Moose strips the leaves off a tree oblivious to you and your friend sneaking up with all the skill of a townie who has spent too much time watching Vietnam war films and reruns of First blood. Besides him his harem stands dutifully inline muching and gossiping away... You take aim.. you concentrate.. your breathing slows.. the world narrows.. all you are aware of is your gun.. the moose and your friend passing wind beside you.. Gently you squeeze the trigger and ..the moose moves his head to get a smaller branch.. and your bullet whizzes past and lands squarely in missus moose’s brain pan! Mr Moose looks up.. sees you.. glances at his missus leaking brains into the grass.. Hes pissed! you gulp and see him launch himself at you.. 700 pounds of moose muscle and horn... What do you do?
Mel Damn straight you do. You haul ass outta there as fast as you can.. and who’s left behind?
Your Buddy!
Mel Bingo.. while he is busy trying to figure out why the gun won’t shoot (you put the safety on earlier) You can gain a good 10 yards before he realises he is farked and starts to do a runner. By this time Mr Moose will be moving like a freight train and your buddies ass is grass.. With look that should keep the moose busy while you high tail it back to the car..
Don’t count your chickens though. When pursued by a 700 pound express Moose even the dumbest most pot bellied townie can often run at remarkable speed.. If it looks like he is gonna overtake you ..shoot him in the leg... and let the moose have him. That leaves you with one bullet left in your rifle.. You need that just incase suicide moose manage to bring down your car... don’t let yourself be taken... that bullet is for you.. Trust me it is far better than what the moose will do...
Damnation.. thats a bit harsh on your friend.. What else can you do oif a Moose charges you?
Mel Pull out your credit card and pay ...ha ha ha.. thats Canadian Humour ..geddit!!! charge - pay up!!!.
Groaann, No seriously what else can you do...
Mel Practice submissive Moose calls.. but be carefull if you get the note wrong you could give out a Moose love call and that is real bad.
Why..?
Mel Well if you think Makmore’s anal probe was bad.. you ain’t seen nothing yet..
Do you ever hunt moose?
Mel Nope not anymore
Why, are their numbers dropping and you want to help preserve them?
Mel Hell no.. I ran out of friends.. besides I dont need to hunt them.. I have a massive freezer so these idiots go out ..shoot a moose and then think.. holy hell i have 700 pounds of moose steak, the wife will not be pleased.... They then come running to me and I take half the meat for storing it for them.
And on that note i will back away quietly and go home..
Mels Reccomended Moose Products
Moosecular relaxant ..the ultimate masssage oil.
Moostard - Spice up your Marmet, Skunk and other road kill with the original Moostard. Available from all good outbacks.
Jeet kun Moose. Martial arts for mooses of all ages.. as taught by Bruce the moose Lee.
Man and Moose - The world best seller..perfect your mooseology and get in touch with your inner Moose.
Moosterbation - Tantric sex for the lone Moose.
Taxidermy for Moose - How to stuff a and display a human by Melvin Moose.
The KarmaMoostra. Advance tantric sex for couples and herds..(special 30 dollar mail in rebate if bought with Moosecular relaxant)
Moosic - A selection of favourite love songs recorded in the rutting season.