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Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them. 'How are you going to travel on a single
ticket?' asked a lawyer. |
| Maid: What do
you want, Sir? Visitor: I want to see your master. Maid: What's your business, please? Visitor: There is a bill... Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village... Visitor: Which I have to pay him... Maid : And he returned this morning. |
| Men who treat woman as helpless and charming
plaything deserve woman who treat men as delightful and generous bank
accounts.
|
| A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him
around Delhi and Agra. At the Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the
architecture and asked how many years it took to build. "Twenty years." replied the guide. 'You Indians are a lazy lot," the tourist said. "In my country, this could have been build in five.' At Agra he admired the Taj's beauty and asked how many years it took to build. 'Only ten years,' said the guide. 'The tourist retorted: 'You Indian are slow! We can construct such buildings in two-and-a-half.' In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: 'I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening." |
| Overheard at
the veterinarian's: 'I had my cat neutered. He's still out all night with
the other cats, but now he's a consultant.'
|
| When an
efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned
her down, saying: 'Your salary is already higher than that of the
secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.' 'excuse me,' the efficient woman replied, 'I thought we got paid for what we produce here-not for what we produce here-not for what we produce at home in our own time.' |
| A small farm
boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards
him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his
milking. To everyone's astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away. 'Weren't you afraid?' one of the workers asked the boy. 'Not at all,' the boy replied, 'I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.' |
| A patient
coplains to a famous psychologist: 'Professor, I've been having terrible
obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.' 'Who's been treating you until now?' 'Dr Lal Rathor.' 'I see. He's an idiot. I'm curious to know what he advised you to do.' 'To come and see you.' |
| Overheard: I
can say one good thing about airline food: at least they're considerate
enough to give you only small portions.
|
| Two
terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap. 'Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute,' said the man carrying the explosive. 'Don't worry,' the driver assured him, 'we have got a spare one in the boot.' |
| Boy to
mother: I've decided to stop studying.' 'How come?' asked the mother. 'I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.' |
| For their
first anniversary, a man bought his young wife a cell phone. She was
thrilled and listened eagerly as he explained all its features. The next
day she was out shopping when the phone rang. 'Hey, darling,' he husband said. 'How do you like your new phone?' 'Oh, I hust love it!' She gushed. 'It's so cute and small-and your voice sounds so clear. But there's just one thing I don't understand.' 'what's that?' 'How did you know i was at the sari shop?' |
| Husband and
wife were in the midst of a violent quarrlel, and hubby was losing his
temper. 'Be careful,' he said to his wife. 'you'll bring out the beast in
me.' 'So what?' his wife shot back. 'Who's afraid of a mouse?' |
| A man was
driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from
behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he'd outqace the cop, the man qushed his
accelerator to the floor. His car's speed rose to sixty, then seventy,
eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled
over, ready to receive a speeding ticket. The poloce officer got out, leaned over the man and said: 'Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go.' The man thought for a moment and said: 'Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me.' No ticket. |
| Late one
night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed
man and stuck a gun in this ribs. 'Give me your money,' he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, 'You can't do this-I'm a politician!' 'In that case,' replied the robber, 'give me my money!' |
| An American
visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. 'The lift will be down
presently,' the receptionist told him. 'The lift?' said the American. 'Oh, you mean the elevatior.' 'No, I mean the lift.' replied the Englishman. 'I think I should know what it is called,' said the American. 'Elevators were invented in the States.' 'Perhaps,' retorted the Englishman. 'But we invented the language.' |
| 'I am very
sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver,' said the friend
to the old man. 'Oh, don't worry, I can drive.' |
| A judge
looked severely at he defendant and asked, 'How many times have you been
imprisoned?' 'Nine, you Honour.' 'Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.' 'Maximum sentence?' said the defendant. 'Don't you give your regular clients a discount' |
| One man to
another. 'I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a woman who'll make
me happy.' 'Make up your mind.' |
| The doctor
had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. 'The best thing for you to do,' the doctor said, 'is give up drinking and smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.' 'Doctor, I don't deserve the best,' said the patient. 'What's next best?' |
| A rather
inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tine pieces and
throwing them out the window. 'Excuse me,' said the womam sitting next to him. 'But, would you wind explaining why you're doing this?' 'It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. 'But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman. 'Effective, isn't it?' crowed the drunk. |
| The editor of a small weekly weekly newspaper, annoyed at legislation that had recently been passed, ran a scathing editorial under the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS CROOKS. Many prominent local politicians were outraged, and tremendous pressure was exerted on him to retract the statement. He finally succumbed to the pressure and ran an apology with the headline: HALF OF OUR LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS. |
| After
they had brought their first baby home from hospital, a young wife
suggested to her husband that he try his hand at changing diapers, 'I'm
bush,' he said. 'I'll do the next one.'
The next time the baby was wet, she asked if he was now ready to learn how to change diapers. He looked puzzled. 'Oh," he replied finally. 'I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!' |
| Staying at a
small-town hotel, Tom ordered tea. Shortly afterwards , a girl threw open
the door. 'Sugar in your tea?' she shouted. 'No, thank you,' Tom replied. 'Ah, well, don't stir it then.' |
| The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: 'A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: "Remove the top and bottom steps.' " |
| A small Indian boy appeared in the class of a London School teacher for the first time and she asked him his name. 'Venkataratnam Narasimha Rattaiah,' he said. When she asked, 'How do you spell it?' 'My mother helps me.' |
| A young
soldier who was on a twenty four-hour pass went to a dance in town and
there met an attractive young woman. As they danced, he kept making passes
at her but without much result. Finally, he said, 'Look sweetheart, I
really go for you in a big way. But I don't have much time. I have to be
back in the morning. I'd sure like to speed like to speed things up
between us.'
'But I am dancing as fast as I can,' she protested wide-eyed. |
| A man who had
just died, arrived at heaven's gate. Before allowing him entry, St. Peter
asked him if he'd ever loved a woman. 'No,' the man replied, 'Not a single one.' 'Did you have a friend you cared for?' 'No.' 'What took you so long to get here?' asked a surprised St. Peter. 'You've been dead for ages.' |
| Little Ernie
was having a problem with his homework. 'Dad,' he asked, 'What is the difference between "anger" and "exasqeration"?' 'Well, son,' said his father, 'I'll give you a practical demonstration.' His father picked up the phone and dialled a number. 'Hello,' said a voice at the other end. 'Hello,' said Ernie's father. 'Is Melvin there?' 'There is no one called Melvin here!' the voice replied. 'Why don't you look up number before you dial them?' ' You see?' said Ernie's father. 'That man was not at all happy with Your call. But watch this!' He then dialed the number again, and says, Hello, is Melvin there?' 'Now look here!' the voice said angrily. 'I told you there is no Melvin here! you have got a lot of nerve calling again!' 'Did you here that?' Ernie's father asked. 'That was "anger". Now, I will show you what "exasperation " is! ' He dialed once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie's father said: ' Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?' |
| Husband to
wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance
counsellor: 'Darling, I love you.' 'There you go again,' snapped his wife, 'I...I...I...again.' |
| Annoyed wife to husband: 'Can't you say we're been married twenty-four years instead of "almost a quarter of a century"?' |