|
My name is Publius Ovidius Nasonem. I was born in Sulmo, a town east of Rome in 46 B.C. "Sulmo Mihi Patria Est" I was a poet and famous for writing porno flicks, although I did with much eloquence and rhetoric. In later years I came to LA and tried to get a job in writing porno films in Hollywood. But no such luck. So while I was hanging around, someone told me that Jiulius Caesare, Imperatore Di Roma, was going to be in LA at the Pavilion. Downtown LA that is and sing in an opera. Now I haven't seen this guy for two thousand years, so I rushed to the Pavilion to see my friend the Emperor, I wanna to teka HIM to this little Italian restaurant in the Valley, where they make the best "Fettuccini alla Romana." I know that Caesare likes his pasta just right, I remember that many chefs who could not please his palate ended up at the Coliseum (the one in Rome that is) as a meal for lions. But what a surprise. When I saw HIM walking on the stage, I realized that I was facing an impostor. This guy didn't look like Caesare, didn't walk like Caesare, didn't dress like Caesare, and worst of all, didn't sing like Caesare! Believe me, I knew Julius Caesare, and this guy ain't no Julius Caesare. Why, he didn't even wear his TOGA. He wore some funny pants, totally out of style for Caesare. I know that Caesare wouldn't wear any underwear even in cold weather. And then when he started to sing, I know that there was a bigga problem. Caesare never sounded like this guy. So to enlighten myself, I sneaked a call to Handel on my cell phone while everybody else was asleep around me. I asked the Great Composer what the hell was going on. He explained to me that in his time they would castrate young boys so they could sing like women. So now I know! At the end of the performance, I asked the impostor where did he get castrated. He got real mad and had to be restrained by the Centurion in charge. He screamed at me and said that he got the voice thru technique and lots of study. I said I'm sorry and went my way. Anyway it wasn't all lost. Because when Cleopatra at one point during the play got into the Jacuzzi, naked, and showed her beautiful "culo." I finally realized that the Grande Maestro Handel really knew how to write operas. But then the rest of the gang sounded very funny, too. So I went to eat my Fatuccini alla Romana all by myself. I told Tony the chef what happened, he didn't believe a word I said. - Publius Ovidius Nasonem - Nos quoque per totum pariter cantabimur orben, 
|
