to Reading volunteers...For implying that instead of volunteering for that worthy job, people from jail who murdered get sent to do community service at the festival. Completely out of order.

to Policemen...For saying that you're so stupid you'd believe that a human is capable of falling into a toilet.

to the security guards backstage at Reading...For making you stupid enough to believe Hannah is actually Natalie Imbruglia, and that at the slightest hint of a threatening, nagging woman having a go at you all, you crumble like a crumble cake.

to Zane Lowe... Making you out to be annoying, stupid, over-eager, an ass-kisser and a social whore. Calling you 'Zit', 'mad dude' and 'daft Kiwi'. Saying you have a crazy name and an unfortunate accent. Making you power-thirsty with a passion to take over the world and not being afraid to use bombs to do it. Also for making you anti-The Darkness. We actually have no idea what your view of them is except for a few years ago we saw you say on Gonzo (MTV2) that you only really liked 'Black Shuk' and weren't that mad on them. Basically for bringing you into The Book again.

to Placebo...For making you all rude to Zane Lowe. You probably like the guy a lot - a lot of people claim to.

to Daniel Johns...For mentioning your name again. For using your name as a form of blasphemy. Also for mentioning you as the object of Hannah's desires on more than one occasion (please, take it as a complement).

to the camera man... We're sure you weren't that annoying.

to psycho Matrix fans...For calling you 'psycho'. For implying that Keanu Reeves wouldn't want to 'hang' with you.

to Keanu Reeves...For making you mutter that arrogant comment about Dogstar being better than Placebo. Ridiculing your Buddha-love and getting rid of you in such a cruel way. Also for all the sexual harassment from Hannah. We can't control her. Honestly.

to Elijah Wood...For calling you 'short arse' and for getting rid of you and not taking you into Space.

to George Bush...For calling you an 'ignorant ignoramus' and being rude by considering you insignificant. Making you Saddam and nuclear weapons-obsessed was probably a silly mistake and implying you wouldn't be happy with World peace.

to Tony Blair...For making you out to be an idiot.

to Euro-lovers... For our comment about Euro destroying the World.

to Natalie Imbruglia...For almost making a World policy that would unable you to marry.

to Dominic Monaghan...For making you an incredibly obsessive and proud father.

to Silverchair... We're not sure whether this World policy would offend you or not, but just in case it does, sorry for almost making bigamy among members of your band legal.

to Brian Molko...For saying that you'd try and seduce EVERYONE. Also for trying to repeatedly get rid of you on the way to Space. Calling you a 'freak'. And apologies for loving you at first with total respect and then turning very quickly to hating you and finding you exceptionally annoying. Oh, also, for the incident involving Keanu Reeve's leg...

to Billy Boyd and Dominic Monaghan...For claiming you're not the 'right' Hobbits - there is no right or wrong.

to Chris Barrie...For punching you in the nose, claiming you haven't got enough money from your fantastic acting career that you have to act as a Butler, calling you a 'pathetic fart' at one point and for telling you to p*ss off.

to Chris Joannou...For being mean to you, slapping you, playing you on and giving you a jealous temper that kills. For making you out to be the desperate lunatic you aren't. For being nasty to you and for Hannah not remarrying you and refusing to discuss it. For Hannah being such a shameless flirt whilst you're around. And last but not least, for hitting you over the head with a shovel and putting you in a locker.

to the small dog...For sitting on you.

to Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler...For using you for your tail. Shamelessly.

to America...For claiming that no-one wants to go to your country.

to Her Royal Highness the Queen...For saying you're not bright and for calling you a 'Royal-B*TCH'. Also for knocking you over by leaping on top of you. And we're totally certain you wouldn't want/need to poach other people's butlers since we know you've got plenty of your own.

to Jess from Hannah...Ok...here's a long list. (You can tell I read the entire book through to find reasons to apologise!). For smacking you on the back of the head. For parting you from Kurt in such a heartbreaking way and for tricking you into parting from your darling Sean Astin. For not letting you become President earlier on in the book when you showed total capability. For calling you an idiot and a b*tch. For introducing hobbits only for the purpose of making sure you made a tit of yourself (although I'm sure you enjoyed it really). Sorry for bossing you around rudely and saying that you look stupid all the time. Also sorry for making you mad for a while by giving you the mental ability of a 3 year old. I'm sorry for all of it. No, really! Oh, and how could I forget? Sorry for Book Six. And the three Versions. Boo.

to Hannah from Jess... Jess will put her Apologies in soon!