Hannah and Chris walked on through the wilderness.
“Is that…is that…?” Chris gazed ahead.
“What?” Asked Hannah wearily.
“It looks like Pamela Anderson, in a tiny gold bikini!” Chris said, squinting into the sun.
“It's a mirage. Ignore it.”
They walked past Pamela, who was on her knees.
“Please…please…help me!”
“LOOK! A PETROL STATION!!” Hannah pulled Chris along and they got to the doors to the shop. Hannah was just about to barge in when Chris held her back.
“What?!”
“Look.” Chris pointed at the doors which whirred open automatically.
“Oh, YES!” Hannah ran into the air-conditioned shop and fell over in ecstasy. Yes, she actually fell over, into ecstasy.
Chris sighed. What else could go wrong? “Get up, Hannah.”
Hannah looked up from the floor. “Well, aren't you being the dominant male.”
“No, Hannah, GET UP.” Chris pulled her to her feet and took her over with him to the phone.
“Hi, taxi please. Um,” Chris looked outside at the address written on the wall, “Middle of Nowhere Road, Petrol Station 1. Thanks!” Chris hung up. “Right, let's get out of here.”
“Are you gonna pay for tha'?” A southern drawl came from behind them. Chris looked where the man was looking – at Hannah's arse, where about 10 ecstasy tablets were stuck.
“Shake your ass.” Chris said.
“Just because we're married doesn't give you the right to-“
There was a pattering noise as the tablets fell to the floor. “Oh.”
Chris dragged Hannah outside and they waited by the roadside for the cab to arrive.
“That must have been the most my arse has ever been worth.” Reflected Hannah.
Chris gazed out into the dusty distance.
“Where do you think this cab's coming from?” He asked.
“Eh?”
“Well, we're in the middle of nowhere. The cab must be coming from the nearest town, but that could be miles away.”
“And, more pressingly, we have no money to pay for a cab ride.” Hannah reminded him.
“Oh crap.”
“We'll have to get some money when we arrive in civilisation. I can explain what happened to the nearest bank and get some help.”
They gazed out into the road.
“Oh my God…did you see that?” Asked Hannah.
“What?”
“I could have sworn I just saw a cactus crossing the road up there.”
“A CACTUS?”
“Yeah.”
Chris looked at his demented bride.
“Hannah, sweetie, cacti don't move.”
“Look!”
Chris looked down the road.
“Oh my GOD!”
Sure enough there went another cactus, walking (well, that's difficult – more like hopping) across the road. There appeared to be a zigzag line in green across the road surface with a sign on either end. Hannah squinted at the distant sign. 'Cacti crossing' with a picture of a cactus wearing a cowboy hat.
“Oh for God's sake.” Said Hannah, fed up with the abnormal surroundings already. There could only be one answer to everything… “Am I mad?”
“Well, let's look at it this way,” Started Chris, “You're not foaming at the mouth.”
Hannah sighed and turned back to look at the spectacle. She met the eyes (oh yes) of a cactus standing 1 metre away from her. And if Hannah wasn't deranged, he appeared to be wearing a sheriff badge.
“Howdy partners.” The cactus tipped his cowboy hat with one prickly arm.
Hannah screamed and jumped back into Chris's arms.
“LOOK!” Chris happily pointed out the taxi that appeared on the horizon and hurriedly stormed down the straight road, squashed a cactus that had been happily hopping over its crossing and skidded to a halt by Chris and Hannah. The water that had been squashed out of the dead cactus immediately boiled off the scorching tarmac.
The cactus standing next to Hannah blew his whistle (a small gold thing hanging round his prickly neck). “Oi oi!!”
“Get in!” Chris exclaimed, opening a door and ushering her inside.
They burst in and slammed the door.
“Where to?” Asked the driver.
“The nearest city!” Chris said. “Or town. Or village. ANY place of civilisation. PLEASE!”
The driver put his foot down and they sped away from the walking cacti.
“That was a close one.” Observed Hannah.
“So, where is the nearest place of civilisation?” Chris asked the driver.
About 30 miles up the road – San Luo.” The driver replied.
“'San' Luo? That sounds Mexican…just HOW long were we in that car?!” Hannah exclaimed.
“Car?” Asked the driver.
“Yes, we-“ Hannah cut herself off and looked up. She looked in the front mirror and gasped as she saw the driver's face.
“Oh my GOD!”
“Sorry, do I know you?” The man stared back.
“No, but OH MY GOD!”
“What?” Chris asked, feeling like a gooseberry.
“It's…it's…JOAQUIN PHOENIX!”
Chris shrugged. “Sorry, I've got no idea who you're talking about.”
“What the hell?” Hannah looked at Joaquin.
“Oh, I'm trying to get into a new film role.”
There was a silence.
“That's bollocks, isn't it?”
“Yes.” Joaquin coughed. “I'm broke.”
Hannah tutted. “Is it true what I heard on the internet that your real surname is 'Bottom'??”
Joaquin ignored her for a while, then said: “No comment.”
“You are aware that you ran over a cactus back there?” Chris said.
“Yeah,” Joaquin said sighing. “Well it was either save the cactus, or kill it and save myself giving you guys $40.”
“Why?”
“It's a service promise I get to you within 10 minutes of you calling.” Joaquin explained.
“Right.” Chris was bored already with this guy. Hannah had already climbed in the front seat beside him.