to Elijah Wood... "For saying you get three boxes of mail a day and that one of those boxes is for credit card bills. For playing on the fact that you live next door to your Mum and that she does your washing - you're probably completely capable of doing it yourself."

to Dominic Monaghan... "For making you madly devoted to Jess, saying that you're her father and making you act the way you did through most of the book."

to Johnny Vaughn... "For insinuating that you emphasise all your words all the time and that this makes you annoying."

to Billy Boyd... "For being surprised when (after your argument with Jess in Pret A Manger, Book 5.1) we found out you were educated. Also for taking more mickey out of your Scottish accent. For also making you scream like a woman...repeatedly. Somewhere along the line we made your house out to be messy and very unkempt (we also possibly did this with your hair too) however, with the house, we don't know whether this is founded or not, so we will apologise just in case it isn't."

to Scotland and Scottish people... "For making fun of your landscapes, accents and ways of life."

to Chris Joannou... "For being so nasty to you. For making out that Hannah would rather marry Daniel than you. For saying that you'd marry Hannah. (Sorry Hannah). For saying that you looked terrible in the Llama Appreciation Society newsletter where you were buying art in Rio De Janeiro wearing cropped trousers and sandals which you did suit, actually. For not consummating your marriage with Hannah - it simply wouldn't have been suitable for our readers. For abandoning you at the airport and making Hannah want to go with Nathan Hauritz rather than you."

to Ben Gillies... "For insinuating that you wouldn't care if Chris had just been kidnapped. Also for calling you a bastard and for Jess clearly not wanting to marry you at all."

to Pamela Anderson... "For ignoring you when you clearly weren't a mirage."

to Joaquin Phoenix... "For saying that your career isn't going well so you have to drive a taxi and for making fun of your original surname (if that rumour is true)."

to Mel Gibson... "For making Joaquin Phoenix call you a bastard and saying you used him."

to Rio De Janeiro... "Jess would like to apologise for spelling the country's name wrong EVERY DAMN TIME. Also, for saying you're a rioting city, you have smelly, annoying Spanish-speaking people and overcrowded buses/streets. Also, if horse isn't a delicacy, we're sorry for saying it was...we really have no cultural idea whatsoever. You probably don't have rats running around your streets either."

to Daniel Johns... "For calling you a b*st*rd and saying that you sit around all day whilst Natalie Imbruglia hoovers around you. Calling you melodramatic. Also for saying you'd laugh if you found out that Chris was in trouble. And for blaming the plane crash on you. And of course apologies for scary general hints that you fathered Daniel Radcliffe with Hannah..."

to Prince William... "Saying that you'd be in Rio De Janeiro with loads of bodyguards rather than experiencing culture for yourself. Also for making you towel-whip people for money. And for making you sleep in the same bed as Chris Joannou."

to Nathan Hauritz... "For bringing you into 'The Book' and then giving you the worst ending ever - completely forgetting about your existence and suddenly no more was written about you...we didn't even mention what happened to you in the end. This has only really happened to one other person before and that was Monkey in 'Book Three', so we're very sorry."

to Daniel Radcliffe... "For kidnapping you, molesting you, mothering you, saying you pluck your eyebrows, scaring your face to make you like Harry Potter, trying to 'suffocate you with a duvet' and then trying to lie to you about you being suffocated by a donkey at the zoo. It should never have happened. We're so sorry."

to Birmingham... "For not wanting to flee to your city."

to all male nurses... "For pretending you're all gay."

to all gay men... "For shamelessly stereotyping you."

to Jess from Hannah... "For making you out to be madly in love with Sean Astin (although it was true at the time of writing Book Five). For hitting you on the head with a cricket ball. For saying you were bringing up an illegitimate child with Paul Scholes...that was a mad mad but funny mistake! For all the offence I threw you in 'Book Five'. But let's be honest, it was a fun ride even if half the jokes were cheap exploitations."

to Hannah from Jess... "Sorry that the marriage didn't work out, but, hey - we're like a married couple already. BETTER than a married couple. You didn't need that Joannou character. Also apologies for the worst honeymoon known to man, the inclusion of 101 Hobbits for no other reason than I fancied it (note: not 'them') and ditching you in Rio. I know that the dust did nothing for your (perfect) complexion."