To Steve Coogan... For saying that you hang onto God's thigh all the time.

To Gollum, Jess' late cat... We'd like to say sorry for calling you scary and dedicate that part of The Book you were in to you. RIP.

To Tony Blair... We would like to apologise for our comment of there being no democracy in the UK but we can't, since there's no freedom of speech and we may offend someone else. Also we'd like to properly apologise for saying that one of the news flashes was that you accepted an offer from the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

To all Postmen everywhere... For insinuating you need drugs to keep happy. For calling you freaks. And claiming that Consignia gave out prozac on subscription.

To Pigs... For saying that if you did have the ability to fly, you'd be stupid enough to be fooled by a window and would fly straight into one, consequently stunning yourselves.

To John Leslie... For banning you from presenting any of our shows. Even 'JANGO!'

To the Monty Python team... For stealing some of your jokes. (Although technically Jess has inherited them... think about it).

To Libraries... At one point Hannah scoffed at the fact that you could be called 'The Fountain of Knowledge'. Sorry.

To 'The Big Issue' and sellers of the homeless magazine... We would like to say a big apology to sellers. We said you were hairy - you're quite obviously not. Jess also kicked you off the pavement, sorry for that. Also saying that you sell door-to-door in London. Big sorry.

To people from Venezuala... We're sorry for saying your country's crap and that there's nothing to see or do there.

To cleaners and waitresses... We would like to say sorry for tarnishing your good reputation. Also for claiming that the jobs weren't good enough for us. We're very snobby. Sorry.

To Tom Cruise... We're sure your handwriting isn't that bad and that you probably did go to school.

To John Rhys Davies... We made blatant fun of your huge food ordering talents.

To entire 'Lord Of The Rings' cast... We wouldn't really try to kill you all with bad food. Honest.

To Naomi Campbell... For making you out to be a stroppy b*tch.

To Orlando Bloom... Hannah would like to apologise for using you.

To Alexander (Xander) Armstrong... Jess would like to apologies for not talking to you when you rang her on her mobile.

To Wales and Australia... For Hannah's comments of you being a slight joke to live in and completely impossible to live in respectively.

To hospitals... For insinuating that nobody turns their mobiles off when asked to, and saying that churches are more important to turn them off in.

To Liv Tyler... Hannah would like to apologise for making you trip up on the red carpet and making everyone laugh.

To Billy Boyd... We would like to say sorry for making fun of your high-pitched girly screams. Your singing. And your height. And your Scottish accent (which is just so cute [note from Jess: Hannah wrote this][note from Hannah: Jess thinks it, don't you even try denying it girl]) and making you continuously go 'Ooh, Hello!'. And for Hannah calling you a b*st*rd on several occasions.

To Elijah Wood... Claiming that you could fit in a very small box was inconsiderate to your size. Sorry.

To Dominic Monaghan... For making you Jess's father and for then disowning you at one point like you weren't good enough. And then for stealing your wallet. Hannah punched you at one point too - sorry.

To all the hobbit-actors... We would like to say sorry for making you all get high on extra-strong mints.

To Lee Evans... We would like to say sorry for making out like you're not our friend. Jess thinks you're fab.

To Ben Gillies... We would like to say sorry for not romantically attaching you to anyone (although seeing what it did to your band mates it's probably for the best, eh?). Jess would like to say sorry for ridiculing the ideas of ever marrying you, but you're just not her type. Also for making you out to be very interested in your food.

To Chris Joannou... For using you shamelessly. For beating you on the head with a stiletto boot down the stairs. For saying you're gullible. Making you out to be mad enough to marry Hannah. Playing you off against your friends. BIG sorry.

To Daniel Johns and Natalie Imbruglia... We're so sorry words can't even describe it. Hannah would like to apologise for her shameless flirting, for kicking you several times and for not exactly, but maybe possibly making fun of your arthiritis and for making fun of your relationship. Hannah would like to bury all disagreements with Natalie - sorry for all the past. We blatantly exaggerated the entire of Silverchair for the amusement of the public and maybe ourselves too.

To Hannah from Jess... Sorry about the whole 'which member of Silverchair do I want' thing, but, let's face it... you had to make a decision, girl! Also apologies for any smacks around the head or sarky remarks I may have made... there are probably several hundred of them.

To Jess from Hannah... I'm not quite sure where to start, but sorry about Book Four. But let's be honest, it was definitely better than Book Three and 100 times better than Book Six (anything's better than that piece of trash). So sorry for all that I've done to you in this book (physically and mentally) and for playing on your fancying one of the hobbits. Sorry about making you completely obsessed with hobbits/Lord Of The Rings (you actually are, but we won't tell anyone that). Sorry for making you out to be boring at times and exaggerating your prejudices. Really sorry for bringing Silverchair into a Book, AGAIN, God am I sorry for that... But the wedding was fun while it lasted.

No animals were harmed in the writing of this book. Particularly no red squirrels or partridges.