"Get off my head, Xander."
"Sorry."
"Where ARE we?" Ben asked, now his voice wasn't muffled by Xander's arse.
"Somewhere in Turkey," Otto said, staring at a photo of Ankara on a notice-board.
"No, you stupid thing, we can't be there… like cows take you to Turkey!" scoffed Hannah. There was a silence. "Guys… CAN we go to Turkey?" she asked, doubtfully.
"Yes," said Lee. "Either that, or we're in a Turkish household. That would explain those two Turks over there."
"AGH!"

The cow mooed disdainfully as they all landed on him.
"Well, that was a waste of time," Hannah muttered grumpily.
"How are we going to find our way home?" Jess asked, miserably.
"Well… we need a cow map, really," said Lee.
"Cow map?" asked Hannah.
"Yes. It tells you where each cow takes you to."
"And… you didn't tell us this earlier?!" Hannah exclaimed.
"You didn't ask."
"You mean we went all the way to that STUPID city… and we could have gone home straight away?!" Xander exclaimed.
"Aw, you men are all the same!" Ben muttered.
"I think you have an identity crisis, Ben," Hannah said, STILL holding her top.
"Well, where are we going to get this STUPID map?" Jess scowled.
"Sweet Slumber Hotel," Lee said. "On the reception desk."
"NO! Not the HORSES!" Hannah cried, falling to her knees in despair.
"Oh, stop being so wimpy," snapped Lee. "I'LL go and get it if you really want." He walked off.
"Well, that was easy," Jess said. They all stood around waiting for Lee to return.
"I need a new top," whined Hannah. "I can't keep holding this ripped one together."
"Well you'll just have to," said Jess. "They don't have a clothes shop around here. Plus it keeps you out of mischief."
"But Otto keeps on… tickling me."
Otto giggled and chased Hannah behind a bush.
"You can wear my jumper, if you want," said Xander, gentlemanly.
"You never offered ME your jumper," Ben muttered.
"Shut UP, Ben." Xander took off his jumper to reveal a bright green shirt.
"Who do you take fashion tips from? Patrick Marber?" Hannah muttered, putting on the jumper.
"Kill-joy," Otto muttered at Xander.
"Pre-pubescent LOSER," Jess retaliated.
"Actually, I'll have you know I'm 20, and you're obviously 72 because you've forgotten what it's like to be young… if you ever WERE!"
"Ouch! Comeback!" said Xander.
Jess slapped him.
"Well, at least I know that the potential difference of a circuit equals voltage times current!"
"At least someone does," Ben said. "You could take over the world with that brain."
Everyone stared at Ben.
"I think you've lost it, mate." Xander patted Ben on the back for consolation.
Lee came bounding back not a minute too soon. "I've got one!" he cried with joy. "This should be easy now."
"Famous last words," muttered Otto, wondering which was the best way to strangle Jess.
"Now, according to this, we need a largish cow with 27 pink spots and a tail of 32.7cm."
"Oh, and you'll be able to FIND this cow, will you?!" Jess exclaimed, indicating the hundreds of cows around.
"If it helps, it has two ears, udders and it's pink." Lee added.
"Idiot." Jess turned her back.

"22… 23… 24… nope, we're three spots off," Xander said from one end of the field.
"Will you hold STILL?" Hannah shouted at a cow whose tail she was trying to measure.
"This one doesn't even HAVE any spots!" Jess yelled from the far end of the field.
"I drink 10 litres of water a day," said the cow. "It's a marvellous detox."
"OK… no luck," Jess concluded.
Suddenly the cow let one rip and Hannah fell down unconscious.
"Ooh… excuse me," mooed the cow. "By the way, I think you'll find I have three spots more than twenty-four."
"Brilliant!" Lee said, suddenly excited that he might get these five good-for-nothing idiots out of his land for good. He ran over and started recounting the cow.
"I think you'll find I know how many spots I have, Lee."
"Sorry, Julie," Lee said, looking at the label on her front right hoof. "I'm just very excited." He leant close to her and muttered, "Between you and me, I'm quite looking forward to getting rid of these freaks."
"That's not very nice," Julie mooed loudly.
"Come on! GO, GO, GO!" Lee shouted, pointing at the cow and clapping his hands (he used his foot as a substitute hand during this).

"This ISN'T my house," said Hannah, emerging from the sofa and looking around.
"But the cow had 27 spots," Xander said, anxiously.
"Did anyone think to measure the tail?" Jess asked.
"Um…"
"I thought Lee did it…"
"No…"
I thought—"
"OH, you idiots!" Jess muttered, getting out of the sofa.
"What are YOU doing here?" came a voice behind them. They all turned to see…Jess's non-biological dad.
"Oh my God! Dad!… kinda…" Jess exclaimed.
"Where the hell have you been for the last three months?"
"Three months? THREE MONTHS?" Jess looked at Lee's head that was poked out of the sofa.
"What can I say? Time flies when you're having fun… or not, as the case may have been. So, bye!" Lee disappeared once more, leaving them all in stunned silence.
"ARGH!" Otto said, randomly.
"Cup of tea?" Jess's dad (non-biological) asked.
"I want to go back to MY house," Hannah whined.
"Oh, grow up," said Jess.
"Well, we've got to do something… since there's 71 pages of the book left."
"I wish my dad was here," muttered Jess.
"I'm HERE!" her non-biological father and Xander both said.
"My BIOLOGICAL father!" she exclaimed.
"Look, Mr Jess's-non-biological-father," said Ben. "We've got a book to fill – have you got any adventures we could partake in?"
"Well… as it happens… we found buried treasure in the garden yesterday," Jess's (non-biological) dad said.
"That'll do," said Hannah. "Let's roll."

<< back to Book 3.4

� Jess and Hannah 2002