“Where are we going?” asked Ian,
running to catch up with Jess.
“The Casino. I have a sneaking suspicion that Hannah isn't
buying lingerie.”
Toby appeared from a bush ahead of them
with Tyke. “What's going on?” he asked (Toby, not Tyke).
“We're going to the Casino,” said Jess. “I think
things are about to get BIG.”
Meanwhile, in the Casino, Patrick and
Hannah were having the worst luck possible.
“I don't believe this,” growled Hannah, staring at the
bottom of her cup in despair - it had run out so quickly.
“I've got 10 left,” said Patrick.
“Shall I go get some more?” Hannah enquired.
“There isn't anymore.”
“Oh.” Hannah looked around. “We've got to win off
of the last 10 then--”
“Six.”
“Ok, the last six then--”
“Three.”
“Right. Well we'd better--”
“Two.”
“--Win--”
“One.”
“Or we're stuffed.”
“Oh sh*t.”
At that precise moment, Jess, Ian, Toby, Tyke, shortly followed
by a grumpy Kelly burst in through the door.
“Put down the money!” Jess exclaimed. She ran over and
snatched the cup. She stared into it and gasped.
“It's...it's empty!”
“Wow...we can't get much past you, can we?” said Hannah
sarcastically and bitterly.
“But...the money was to pay the bills...what'll happen
now?!” Jess cried.
“Don't worry!” Patrick fed the 10 strand piece into the
machine and pulled the lever. The symbols spun around and around
before coming to rest one by one...
An apple.
A lemon.
And.........
A car.
“NO!” Hannah put her head in her hands.
“Oops.” Patrick looked at his feet.
“'Oops'?! 'OOPS'?!” Jess cried. “You've just lost
ALL of our money!” She sat down on the nearest stool in
shock.
“Oh, shut it, you slag.” Hannah spat.
“I'm SORRY?!”
“You heard!”
“I'm a slag am I?”
“Yep,” Hannah said calmly. “I'm going back to the
hotel with Kelly now to f*ck his brains out, so you can go...jump
off the cliff.”
Jess' jaw was now on the floor. “You hypocritical slag!!”
“YOU hypocritical slag!” Hannah shouted
back at her.
“Frankly, I think you're both hypocritical
slags.” Dylan interrupted.
“Oh shut up, you Irish git!” Kelly, (now particularly
happy), shouted.
“Shut up yourself Welsh boy,” Dylan retorted.
“SLAG!” screamed Hannah.
“EVEN BIGGER SLAG!!” screamed Jess.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a big puff of smoke appeared and Austin
Powers condensed out of it.
“Hello babies!”
“Oh my God, how much weirder is this going to get? Now we
have f*ck*ng Michael Myers here...Me and Hannah will go back to
the Hotel now.” Kelly grabbed a hold of Hannah's hand and
made a move for the door.
“No can do babies! I'm afraid your Hotel is being knocked
down.”
Everyone gasped.
“Torn down?” Jess gulped.
“Well, what can I say baby? You played the game of life,
took the risk and lost - that's just the way it goes. Groovy
baby!”
“No, not groovy actually, very ungroovy,” Ian
said.
“No Ian mate, that's his catchphrase,” Dylan corrected.
“Oh, sorry Dyls.”
“S'alright mate.”
“Good.”
“Good.”
“Are you two quite finished?” Jess tapped her foot.
“Erm...yes,” said Dylan.
Jess turned back to Austin. “I didn't play the game of life! Hannah did! She's
the one who lost!” she protested.
“You're both responsible, though, baby. Sorry,” said
Austin.
“Oh...oh, GOD!” Jess smacked her head against the wall
in the hope of knocking herself out.
Ian grabbed her and pulled
her away from the wall where she stood, still bobbing her head
around like a chicken.
“Let her do it, the b*tch,” Hannah muttered.
“You......” Jess searched her extensive vocabulary for
an insult. “...B*TCH!” She ran at Hannah and
tried to pull her eyelashes out.
Kelly leapt onto Jess and Ian
leapt onto Kelly. Dylan decided to join just for the hell of it.
“STOP! Babies please, this is not shagadelic...”
The
pile of bodies dispersed and they all listened to Austin like
naughty schoolchildren.
“We're taking back the island and
sending you all back to where you came from.” As he
finished, a large JCB burst through the side wall of the Casino
and wrecked five machines. Patrick burst into tears.
“I...I come from the 1960's,” Jess piped up, “With
Ian Lavender here...”
“Sorry baby. The S.S.S.S. know all of your past life -
including your mock GCSE results.”
Jess gasped.
“You're
going back to your home town--”
“Which sucks,” said Hannah. “You mean that I can't
go back to Wales?”
“No,” Austin said. “Now get lost and have a groovy
day!”
“NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Jess screamed, not
only expressing her misery, but also breaking the record for the
longest word in the book.
Austin pulled out a bright green remote
controller from his pocket and pointed it at Kelly. “None of you are going to remember a thing,” he said,
pressing the button.
There was a flash and Kelly disappeared.
Hannah screamed, “NO! BRING HIM BACK!”
Austin ignored her and aimed the
remote at Dylan, who promptly disappeared too.
“Oh...GOD! NO!” Jess, still being held from the wall by
Ian, started banging her head on the floor instead.
“And you...” Austin blasted Toby and Tyke into oblivion
(well, Oxford).
Then Patrick.
“Stop it! STOP IT!” Hannah begged.
Austin ignored her
(he was ignoring everyone) and pointed the remote out of the door
and down to the 'Little Llama'. They heard Zane scream as he was
catapulted back to MTV land.
“And, finally...” Austin pointed the remote at Ian.
ZAP! All gone.
“Jess, no longer being held back from the wall, ran into it
and began smacking her head against it. “NO! WHY, GOD, WHY?” she sobbed.
Austin aimed the
remote at Jess and Hannah. “I'm sorry, babies,” he said, shaking his head.
“Better luck next time.”
Just as the remote charged up,
Jess turned to Hannah and said, “You know what? It really wasn't what you thought. We
were racing the floor polishers.”
The room flashed, turned white, and then there was darkness.
“Hannah!”
There was no movement
from behind Hannah's bedroom curtains.
“HANNAH!”
Jess
frowned, suddenly realising what she was doing and where she was. She collapses onto the floor getting covered in gravel and mud.
“Jess!” screamed Hannah, flinging the door open to
reveal herself standing in her nighty.
“I don't know how to deal with this, I need therapy!”
“Let's go shopping.”
Jess nodded numbly.
“Ok,
let's roll..."
To read the next book, follow the link at the top of the Book Two homepage to Book Three.
� Jess and Hannah 2002