to Oxford... "For being so neglectful over your countless years of history, priceless artefacts and universities and only being interested in the shops. Also, we said that there are dead bodies everywhere in Oxford (well, technically Toby said this, but we wrote what Toby said, so it is our fault). It isn't true however, apart from the one in Jess' dustbin, but we weren't meant to mention that."

to Jess... "For insinuating that you have a dead body in your dustbin."

to Kiwis (New Zealand born people)... "Insinuating that you are all good for nothing and have given the British nothing - it's not true. We'll think of something that you've given us in a few minutes..."

to Johnny Vegas or Ben Miller... "For ripping off your gag, whichever one of you made it."

to Zane Lowe... "For saying you're not funny - we know you're very witty really. For playing on your fantastic ability to spew bullsh*t metaphors of your feelings (!). Making you out eventually to be an evil, greedy, good-for-nothing MTV presenter - it's not true!"

to Patrick Marber... "We made you out to be a gambling maniac which certainly isn't true. We also said that you would talk to giant mechanical llamas out of desperation. We certainly know that this is a false allegation."

to Liz Hurley... "For saying that you are a stressy mother and that you wouldn't know the meaning of the word 'boyfriend' - this was very harsh and we didn't mean it. Very sorry."

to Ian Lavender... "Hannah would like to personally apologise for spelling your name wrong several times. She also said that you came from the 1920's, which obviously isn't true. We also suggested that you'd be a Nazi and be comfortable in wearing the outfit."

to Richard and Stuart from the Stereophonics... "For killing you in the first book and not bringing you back to life in the second."

to Kelly Jones from the Stereophonics... "For insinuating that you wouldn't save your two band mates from death. For hitting you over the head repeatedly with a conch shell. For repeatedly blaming you because you were Welsh. Also for making you out to be a cold-blooded killer."

to Brandon Boyd from Incubus... "For suggesting that you would take lessons from Jess on how to walk like a Nazi. Also for saying that you're from a poppy-rock band funded by teenage girls who in Zane's words - "prefer your looks to your 'talents'"."

to Dylan Moran... "For insinuating that you're a leprechaun. Also playing you out to use your persuasiveness for your own amusement only."

to Osama Bin Laden... "Whichever cave you're in at the moment, sorry about turning you in...we guess. Actually, no, we're not sorry. You deserved to be turned in. However, we are sorry about insinuating that you've lived in caves for the entirety of your life. You probably have but it's none of our business."

to Policemen in general... "For claiming you're all stupid, have stupid code names and accuse people stupidly of doing other stupid things. Basically for calling you stupid. Also for being a Welsh-ist."

to Jimmy Joannou... "For killing you. And making you out to be an obsessive... oh yeah, you're a fictional character aren't you?! No worries then..."

to 24-hour-store keepers... "For insinuating that you are all Indian."

to all the random celebrities in The Book Two... "Sorry for making you out like you'd want to come and spend relaxing time on our insane, mad, truly bonkers island."

Jess would personally like to apologise to... Dylan Moran - "Making you watch Powerpuff Girls and making you out to be a persuasive lunatic."
Ian Lavender - "For EVERYTHING - I am so SO sorry."
Toby - "For being so snobby...but, let's face it...you are a commoner."

Hannah would personally like to apologise to... Jess - "Well, I was going to apologise to you, but since you didn't apologise to me, I guess you don't deserve it. Sorry."
Natalie Imbruglia - "Sorry for everything!"
Kelly, Zane, Brandon, Jimmy, Toby...(I think that's it)...(oh, no)...Josh, Heath...(yep that's it)... - "For using and abusing you all. I'm so sorry. Just for the record, you all have your own minds and all do your own things. To Kelly in particular - for hitting you over the head repeatedly with a conch shell until you said you had no girlfriend and for kissing you in the Star Bar solely to prove a point to Dylan Moran. I'm such (Jess' words) a shameless hussy."