Patrick knocked on the door. After a while there was no answer, so he decided to push it open. Thinking the door might be locked he put all his force into opening it, but unfortunately it was unlocked and he fell into the hut and the door banged against the wall. Jimmy, Hannah and Cartman peered in and what they saw shocked them. It was two men in their early twenties sitting in front of a TV screen with a PlayStation control in their hands. They both had shorts, t-shirts and socks rolled up to their knees on, all of which were shades of the same army green. They didn't look around when Patrick stumbled in because they were too involved in the PlayStation.
"'Ang about, mate," said one, without flinching. "With you in a second," he continued, pressing the buttons wildly. The character on the TV screen leapt high into the air… and landed in a pit of what looked like lava.
"Aw, stewth!" the other guy moaned. "You're never going to complete this level, Bruce!"
"Ah will," Bruce insisted, before turning to the gang at the door. "Can I help you, cobbers?"
"Um, yes," Patrick stepped forward, his voice contrasting heartily with the strong Australian accents."We're stuck on the beach here, we were wondering if you had a car or something so we could get to a town… or something…?"
"Wait a minute, how did you get here?" asked Bruce. "You didn't walk over the reef, did you?"
"NO!" everyone shouted in unison.
"Right," Bruce said, suspiciously. "Well, we have a car."
"Great!" Jimmy sighed. "We're not stuck here." He smiled.
Suddenly Jess came running up behind them, looking extremely traumatised.
"Are you OK, mate?" Bruce's friend asked her. "You look like you got too close to a randy turtle in mating season!" He began to laugh at his own joke but stopped when he saw Jess's face. "Oh."

"OK, now I'm pissed!" said Mik, the other beach patroller.
Him and Bruce were giving the car a quick 'spruce' up. Actually, it was less of a car and more of a beach buggy/Land Rover. All the same, it was the only decent thing to travel through the bush in.
"Mik, Bruce?" Hannah said, running over to the car. The two beach patrollers snapped to attention.
"You OK, love?" asked Bruce.
"'Course I am!" said Hannah, ruffling Bruce's hair. "I'm fine now I've got you two boys to look after me!" She smiled. "I was so scared before we found you… now I know I will be OK in your safe hands."
"Heh…heh…" Mik laughed like a baboon and went pink.

Meanwhile, over the other side of the beach, Jess, Cartman, Patrick and Jimmy were kicking about in the sand, waiting to go.
One of Cartman's short chubby legs swung up and hit Jess, who squealed and jumped several feet away. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" she shouted, trying to keep Cartman at bay with her foot.
"Jesus, keep your pants on…" Cartman moaned.
"Oh, come on, Jess – it was just a turtle!" Jimmy said, sulkily (as per usual).
"It sexually assaulted me!" Jess cried, looking at Cartman suspiciously. "I bet your leg has never been raped by a turtle."
Jimmy was defiant. "Well, I don't know; in my days at flight school—"
"Jess, Cartman didn't mean it," Patrick interrupted. "Alright?"
Jess looked away and up at the Land Rover. She saw Hannah ruffle Mik's hair and smile flirtatiously at Bruce. "Christ, she doesn't hang around, does she?!" She laughed.
The others turned to see, and Jimmy went scarlet.

Back over at the 4x4 Hannah was laughing. Just randomly laughing. Mik and Bruce weren't sure what they'd said that was amusing but they laughed anyway. Two minutes later Jimmy stomped over.
"Something funny?" he asked, with false interest.
Bruce and Mik shook their heads. "No. Actually, what were we laughing at, mate?"
"No idea."
Jimmy turned to Hannah.
"You OK?" Hannah asked him.
"Fine." he said through gritted teeth.
Hannah ruffled his hair and then started laughing hysterically.
"You're the ruffle-hair-babe of the bush," said Bruce.
"Right, that's IT!" Jimmy said, now completely purple with rage. He grabbed Hannah by the shoulders, pulled her towards him and went in for the big K.I.S.S.

The three on the beach were watching from the sand.
"Woah, sweet!" Cartman laughed.
"That's relieved some of the sexual tension, then." Patrick said to Jess.
"What do you mean, 'some'?"

Jimmy and Hannah pulled apart.
"Right, so now you're my girlfriend and you have to stop flirting with other guys, OK?" Jimmy almost begged. Hannah was stunned and speechless. Her jaw had fallen open and she stared around.
Mik and Bruce had slowly backed away and dived under the 4x4's bonnet.
Hannah ran over the beach towards Jess and exploded into a frantic ramble of words. Somewhere in the middle Jess caught: "It's terrible! I don't know what to do! How can I meet and go out with Daniel when I'm going out with him? ARGH!"
Jess took a deep breath and adopted the role of 'highly paid, best in the country therapist'.
"OK, Hannah, this is about priorities, OK?" Jess started.
"Priorities?" Hannah repeated, as if she had never heard the word before.
"Yes. You have to prioritise the men in your life," Jess stated.
"Pri-or-it-ise…" Hannah mused, rolling this new word around her mouth like an orange tic-tac.
"Yes. Or, alternatively, like me, you could just forget about men completely and write them all off as w*nkers—"
"I think I'll pass up that advice right now…" Hannah muttered, staring back up the beach at Jimmy. "I don't want to end up like you."
"OK," said Jess, calmly. "Just relax, then."
Hannah sighed with relief. "I know what I'll do; I'll just date him until I find Silverchair, then dump him!" She laughed with ease.
Jess looked at her with an expression that one could relate to a constipated duck. "This is not good," murmured Jess, watching Hannah cartwheeling across the sand.
Patrick walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. "Umm… Jess?"
"Yes?" said Jess, her mind on other matters.
"This turtle is gnawing my foot off."
Jess turned around and saw Patrick's foot securely lodged in a turtle's mouth.
"Oh, God!" said Jess. She placed one foot firmly on the turtle's shell, then pushed Patrick backwards. The force sent him flying back, detaching himself from the turtle in the process. "I wonder why you're so attractive to sea life."
"No idea."

<< back to Book 1.2

� Jess and Hannah 2001