to all air stewards.... Sorry, you're not all gay, of course!

to Steven Spielberg.... For insinuating that you're an arrogant, stressy a*se. Hannah would like to apologise for calling you an a**hole and a d*ck. Also for saying that you buy and ruin film locations and eat too much tofu for your own good.

to all Aussie beach patrollers.... We know you don't all dress like Mik and Bruce, or neglect your jobs like Mik and Bruce clearly once did (before Hannah ran them over). You also probably have better hair appreciation so as not to keep it continuously greasy like Bruce.

to all Australians.... For shamelessly stereotyping you; calling you names like Mik and Bruce, making you say g'day and strewth too much and generally making you all look like characters in Neighbours. This is mainly Jess apologising; Hannah has an Australian passport and is therefore allowed to take the p*ss out of her nationality. Jess isn't and is therefore very sorry. *Jess waves a union jack and sings Auld Lang Syne*

to the cast of Neighbours.... For that last comment.

to Natalie Imbruglia.... Hannah would like to apologise for being nasty and impaling you with a pole.

to Josh Hartnett.... Jess and Hannah would like to apologise for the following reasons:
1) insinuating that you're a credit card fraud and thief
2) calling you a crap actor twice
3) using you for money only
4) Hannah would like to personally apologise for being nasty
5) running you over three, no four times (!)

to everyone involved with the film 'Pearl Harbor'.... For being the butt of criticism twice. We said that it was a crap movie but it was actually...crap. Oh.

to Patrick Marber.... For insinuating that you're a loner on an island with a Post Office and also for saying that you scream in a 'high-pitched girly voice' in times of crisis! We know you don't hate Michael Palin and Steve Coogan really. Well, at least Jess hopes you don't.

to Ben Affleck.... For calling you a crap actor and not caring when a bus carried you screaming off to Sydney.

to Silverchair.... Very sorry for involving you all in this scandalous piece of literature.

to Rolf Harris.... For telling you to 'shove yourself up your own fudge tunnels'!

to Steve Coogan.... For playing you out to be an arrogant b*st*rd and for throwing you off a dragon. Hannah wrote the bit about throwing you off the dragon, Jess still loves you, particularly in 'Wind In The Willows' - you've got a very nice nose, she thinks.

to Michael Palin.... For suggesting that Jess is your illegitimate child. But she's still suspicious ('I love you daddy!').

to New York and all involved in September 11th.... For the cheap and tactless joke in book 1.4. It wasn't worth it and frankly made us no richer.

to Ian Lavender.... For the references to you dressed in a Nazi uniform. Jess is really *really* sorry, but she just can't help it.

to Hannah (from Jess).... Where do I start?! Firstly, sorry for making you out to be some insane man-eater... also a HUGE apology for even *suggesting* you could ever fancy Bruce... the comment about you getting the runs after eating tofu (and in front of Jimmy, too) was *particularly* tactless, so sorry for that... and for making references about you being naked/taking your top off in front of your admirers/anything rude too much. I couldn't help myself.

to Jess (from Hannah).... Rarrrr!! (Ahem, sorry!) Sorry for instinuating that you are continuously obsessed with all your favourite comedians and getting angry with Steve (oh, and making Patrick push him off the dragon!). Sorry for not being supportive during your tearful period moment... and for slapping you continuously! I would mostly like to apologise for my insane, wacky, but mostly terrible spelling. Finally, sorry for introducing the thousands of famous rock stars and actors into the book and overcrowding it!