Seventy-Five (Tim); Delirium Without Cure.
I don't know how I'm carrying on, how I'm coping.. I can't deal with this. Not at all. It's three in the morning, and I'm still awake. Everyone's gone, I made them; I need the silence. I need the solitude. I don't need people around, trying to make me feel 'better', to 'cheer me' up and 'take my mind off' the fact my wife has disappeared seemingly off the face of the Eart, and my best friend's done the same! Oh yeah, and to top that off I received a letter from their kidnapper, only signed in their own fucking blood! The tiny 'x' after Heather's name made me want to cry then, and brings a painful lump to my throat now. What if that fleeting kiss before she ran backstage is the last time I get to kiss her? What if the night before is the last time I get to-- hold her? What if--
There are too many 'what-ifs'. I'm so scared of losing her. I miss her, and I don't want to go back onto location tomorrow! I've been acting like nothing's wrong, like my heart isn't breaking, like my world isn't falling apart, like I'm not terrified of what might be happening to Heather and Danny... Like...wondering whether they're alive anymore or not... Oh God... I push my hair back off my face, wincing at a few snags and the unpleasant, sweaty feel of it. I feel dizzy and feverish. All I want to do is die. Or, at the very least, sleep.
But if I go back to sleep the nightmares will come again, and I can't deal with them on my own... I don't have the capacity to do that anymore; I lost it when I found Heather. I used to be able to scare the nightmares away by myself, but now I have to have her... And I don't know what to do now she's gone. I want to have her back... Have her comfort me... I want to feel her again... The feel of her hands on my chest, on my shouders, in my hair, on my face... The sound of her voice whispering sweet comfort or evil sex into my ear, either calming me or driving me crazy. Like Danny she controls my emotions to a degree I both like and dislike. But whatever it is, she's gotten into my system, and I need her back!
She's gone. She's not here. I don't know where she is... Or even if she's alive... And I don't know how I'll survive if she's not...
Chapter 74 ; Contents ; Chapter 76
