Thirty-Seven (Heather); Nothing.
I really am useless....... We stand at the stage door of "The Hall of The Stars", the new purpose-built Starlight Express theatre in Battersea (what was once the power station), waiting for Jenny to come out. I always said that if one of us was going to 'make it' in the stage world, then it would be her. She never believed me, but I'm gonna relish saying 'I told you so!' now. Because here I am, career-less and job-less, whilst she's Joule in the latest version of Starlight Express. God I'm useless!
And cold. I'm dressed as Dinah, and she has a decided lack of coverage everywhere! Ick. I move closer to Tim, shivering slightly. Poor soul looks like he doesn't quite know where to put his hands --I've grown somewhat since I last wore this, and I do rather look like my bosom is about to explode out of the doily-lace-thingies!--, bless him. Jeeze I feel like some cheap crappy whore.....
"Jen!" I exclaim, glad to have a distraction from my rather morose thoughts as Jenny steps out of the stage door. Lisa Marie walks over and hugs her, then lets the surprised-and-rather-pleased-looking actress go. God, once I would have classed myself as an actress... Not any more, though. I'm nothing now, like Dad always said I would be.
"You were great, Jenny!" Lisa's saying, her sentiments echoed by those around me. I agree, numbly; as hard as I try I can't stop the ever-increasing feeling of jealousy from filling ever pore of me, burning me, freezing me. I used to get told I was 'brilliant'. Guess I'm just a wash-out now. Fuck it all.
Then again, I must have something of my old acting 'skill' left, because when Tim asks me in a soft whisper right by my ear making me shiver slightly if I'm okay, I just nod and smile, and answer in a voice so normal I surprise myself.
"Yep, fine!" Fucked-up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Yep, that's me alright. God bless Aerosmith. Thank goodness Tim doesn't guess the implication of those words. He doesn't listen to Aerosmith much.
Why do I always become such a wreck when one of my friends does something they've always wanted to do? Jenny's now a professional musicals actress, Gemma's a published author, Amy's a cinematographer. Why should I feel as bad as I do? It shouldn't affect me like this! I should be happy for them, dammit! And of course I am, I'm happy they're doing what they want to, seeing their dreams as reality. But in another way I feel like I have 'failure' and 'disappointment' stamped across my forehead. I never made it. Never. Never 'got in'. I'm just what Dad said I'd be.
Nothing.
Chapter 36 ; Contents ; Chapter 38
