Bella layed unconscious in her bed. Her skin was glazed with a thin coat of sweat and her lips still held blue tint on them from lack of blood. Ruu sat in the corner watching her, a book set on her lap, and worry across her face. Now that no one was around, she felt comfortable letting her emotions shine through. She was concerned for her friend. She had, indeed, felt fear when Bella had been stabbed. And now she sat there, waiting for some hopeful sign of Bella's recovery.

Ruu shut her eyes and lowered her head, letting her long green bangs brush against her eyelids. After a moment, she set her book on the night stand and stood up. She bit her lip briefly and walked over to Bella's bed, dragging the chair with her and sitting down close. She picked up Bella's limp hand and shivered at its coldness. "I.. I'm sorry I'm always a bitch to you." She lowered her gaze, distantly. "I'm sorry I criticize you. And I'm sorry I always leave you." Her hand now gently stroking Bella's, "I'll try and hold my tongue from now on. I..." she licked her lips, unsure of what she was even trying to say. Unsure of whether Bella could even hear her or not, but needing to say it. "If it means you'll get better, and come back... I'll try."

Bella made no move or sound, aside from a soft flickering of her eyelids. Ruu listened to her shallow breathing and moved the cover around the younger girl more tightly. Her eyes moved across Bella's stomach momentarily. She wondered what had happened last night. What had caused that sound and the sudden healing of the knife wound. She shut her eyes. So much in one night. New people, new horrors. "Does this place ever bring good things?" she asked herself, silently. Cojin had come and threatened their lives. Nothing she wasn't used to, granted, but always a rude awakening. Then there had been Jenova. Always a bad thing, Jenova's arrival. And seeing Sami act out Her deeds was completely shocking. Someone so nice, being so evil made her stomach churn. She paused in her thoughts, waiting for that sinking feeling to pass. Jack... She didn't know too much about him, yet. She hoped he would be better than the other one. Maybe a breath of fresh air around here. Then again, maybe not. "The air in this place seems to deteriorate everything around it," she thought again.

She frowned at herself. Not everything was so bad. There were a few couples at the hotel that worked. Tawnee and Izuri were cute. Sukita and Yoku-chan. Ruu sighed. Bella and Sami had even started growing on her. At least she knew it was love that based their committment to one another, and not some superficial pledge or notion of what should be or happen. Now she snorted. "Or due to some stupid coin toss." She thought almost hatefully. It also wasn't just some little crush that people always mistake for love. Most couples at LLAnon, she thought, were fake. She knew she could be wrong, and there were probably others that she didn't know as well that also had their merits. But for the majority, she thought most relationships phony.

Ruu frowned at herself again. Kate was right in a lot of the things she had told her in their talk. She also knew that she was being a hypocrite. She accused Bella of being one, too much, but really had no right to say anything. Half the things Bella did that Ruu hated, were things that Ruu did herself and refused to acknowledge the majority of the time. And leaving. She desperately wanted to leave again, but at the same time, felt lost at the idea. The last time she had left, she had caused worry. This unnerved her. In such a short time, so many people had come to depend on her, and want her. If she left again, then what? But then, why should she care? It wasn't as if she could do anything to help any of them. "So many problems, so little solutions," she said outloud.

Then there was Harlequin. She shut her eyes tightly. She had promised him, maybe not out loud, but in her heart that she wouldn't be able to leave him again. Whether he did actually love her or not, it didn't matter anymore. "I love him," she thought, still amazed at being able to think or say that. She didn't think she'd find happiness, if she left, without him. She didn't know if she'd find happiness at all. But at least with him, there was a chance. He had said he loved her. He could have been lying. "But do I really believe he was?" She shook her head in answer to herself. No. She didn't think he was THAT good an actor.

"So where does that leave me now?" she wondered. She would stay. She had to. Would she wallow in the suffering around her? Ruu had always fallen back on that, for some reason, and now had to think about that. "No. I want to be independent. I want to think and feel freely, and NOT base it on everything around me."

"But then would you still care?" her mind asked her in response. She shut her eyes tightly again, putting a hand to her head. Sometimes she hated being so realistic. To live in a fantasy world seems so alluring sometimes. With no worries. She thought of Jackiland. Of how peaceful and ...right it always seemed. It was so easy to forget your troubles while there. Her mind briefly flickered on the image of Harlequin and his smile. But she quickly pushed that away. "ASIDE from Harlequin, is the place really all that great? You can escape from your troubles, yes. But then what? A life without worry is empty. Drama adds emotion. And emotion adds purpose." Ruu blinked at her own reasoning and set Bella's hand down to her sides. "Does my life have purpose?" She knew the answer before she asked the question. No. All she ever did was sit around and breeze through life without straining herself. "What kind of life is that?" Another pause. "Not much of one."

She glanced at Bella again, and brushed some hair back from the sleeping girl's head. "You.. you're willing to give your life for your loved ones," She said softly, in reference to countless times Bella had risked her life. "You're not stupid for it, as I've always said you are. Forgive me for that." Ruu stroked her cheek gently. "You're the strong one." Admitting it to herself and outloud was a shock to her own ears. She had always thought herself strong. But now she realized she was the weak one. She had always tried to remain stoic and not feel anything, never wanting to have pain, and always avoiding situations that inflicted it if she could. Whereas Bella stood her ground against her adversaries. Took the pain given to her, if it meant helping someone. Ruu understood now. That was real strength. And she knew she didn't have it. But that was okay. She recognized her weakness. And maybe with time, she could gradually get better.

Ruu paused again, then opened her eyes. She bent down by Bella's ear and whispered softly, "I wish I was more like you," and stood up straight, moving her chair back across the room to its corner. She picked up her book, turned off the lights and walked out, not noticing in time the stir Bella made, and her eyes fluttering softly.

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