June 28, 2004

Dear Mia:

I feel it�s long past the time that I should�ve written this letter. It�s overdue by what? A year? Two years? Seven?

Seven�

Can you believe it�s been seven years since the day we met? Seven long, strenuous years when you first introduced yourself. It wasn�t with a shout, either � more like a demanding whisper.

At first I was skeptical of your ideologies. You promised things that glittered far beyond the sparkle of diamonds.

Wish on as many stars as you want � nothing will grant that wish the way that I can�pull me close to you, because I, unlike so many others in your life, will never forsake you.

You were my Mephistopheles. Who could refuse an offer like that?

To a heart that wanted someone or something to stay forever, I accepted. Gods, I wanted forever to mean SOMETHING�

I didn�t know it meant this. Too na�ve, I was before I realized the depth of your promise.

We became inseparable, one. No one could tell where you ended and I began. Slowly, your promises became reality. Everything you claimed was coming to pass.

It wasn�t too long that I also recognized that I was falling in love with you.

I loved you for the person you were making me. The beautiful person you were making me.

I told you that I could do it. I never abandoned you. Even when everyone else was gone, I was still there for you.

I can�t deny it. You were there for me through everything. When there was no one who could console me or when they went on to live their lives, you were still there for me.

I felt alive when we were together. I could do anything because in our relationship, you made me beautiful. You molded the piece of shit I used to be into gold.

It took me a long time to realize that you were not the one� not the one for me.

I tried to explain it to you but you wouldn�t listen. You pointed out all the other people and asked me if that was what I wanted to go back to.

You told me that I couldn�t be anything without you - that I was nothing. You made me and you could undo me.

Hurt, like a kicked puppy, I crawled into a corner. Licking the wounds of scorn that leaked from every pore, I healed� or so I thought.

I thought I had slowly pushed you out of my life. I thought that I had made it clear that you were not wanted anymore.

Like that lost friend that looks for the open door to return, you came knocking � and what did I do? I answered.

I told you I would never leave you.

You belittled me and tore me apart - making me unable to live without you. Why? How could you?

You were such a jealous friend. I could never have any other friends around when it was �our time�. Jealous and vindictive.

And here you are again - wanting to come back into my life.

My fear is that I�m just not strong enough to say no.

You want to know strength? I taught you what it was to be strong, to be in control. I taught you how to control your body, to control your life. You are the keeper. I showed you how you could dictate what entered and left your body.

I taught you self-jurisdiction. I liberated you.

Instead of being grateful for taking you under my wing, you chose to discard me. (As if it was that easy�)

How convenient it was to cast off that which gave you your heart�s desire after it had been met.

Like a faithless wench whose prayers had been answered, only to forget the god who gave them to you.

What kind of �friend� weighs the merit of an individual based on looks alone? How do you consider yourself a liberator, when you hold me captive?

You don�t let go. You keep me leashed to your own pleasures and the need to watch me spiral further and further down.

No, you do not liberate; you enslave.

You bind people to their own crumbling self-esteem, until they reach out to whomever and whatever comes their way. You become a beacon of light to the same people whose radiance you destroyed.

You are a virus � feeding off of the emotions of those you supposedly emancipated. To deny you is to starve you � and you couldn�t handle a taste of your own medicine, could you?

Starve you and we feed ourselves. Starve ourselves and we feed you.

I taught you what it was to purge and cleanse yourself. I have taken your impurities, your imperfections and your dull visage and polished them away� I left a diamond standing where there once was a lump of coal. What was once hideous, transformed into something beautiful. And still you don�t get it. (In perpetual continuation...)