Listening To: Me - Dream of Shadows
I Feel: here.

i sometimes wish i could stitch myself closed.

take the needle and thread and patch the holes in my incomplete psyche, sew the shield around me so no one could see me, know me, or get inside of my head...

... i pray for a moment when someone isn't trying to fix me. Even myself. Especially myself.

I am irrevocably damaged, broken beyond the point of return.

I accept this.

Maybe all I am is this angst-ridden wannabepoet who spends too much time trying to find a place to immortalize herself because she cannot accept that this is all she is.

This is all there is. This is all I am. This is all you are, Kate.

I'm running with my rain face on, no idea what to say, no idea what to do.

~~~~~~~

There's something comforting with being able to speak in third-person to yourself. It's like taking a step back and addressing yourself in a way that no one else could. It's a way to truly look at the disgrace I am and am becoming.

A way to talk, face-to-face, per se.

Fucked up? Yes. Effective. Completely.

November 30, 2004

Listening To: Delerium - Underwater
I Feel: numb, always numb.

Please, take a picture before I the moment fades away...

I am running on empty. Isn't it then, simply a matter of time before this machine stops?

I am a mechanical thing meant for nothing, programmed for nothing.

I am not a robot; i am cybernetic. Part human, part machine - needing both but losing lost one...

I am the sum of my parts - now fully taken by the machine.

I am a robot.

Listening To: Conjure One - Tears from the Moon (Hybrid remix)
Currently Reading: Invoke the Goddess by Kala Trobe
I Feel: numb, always numb.

I'm so tired... so tired of fighing against current after current after current. Is there no reprieve? No rest for the weary? Will I be perpetually forced to swim upstream?

I'm tired of feeling numb. I'm tired of wearing the mask that smiles. Please, don't misunderstand me - I have happy moments... but they are just that: moments.

Those who are argumentative would state that all life consists of are a series of moments. There would be some merit in that statement, as well. My exhaustion, however, stems from the lack of LENGTH in those moments of happiness that are so fleeting. In observation, I am a rarity.

Yes, I am the circus side-show freak. Forgive my differences but there's no where else that I am "accepted".

Please, bring your children to laugh and to mock. Throw stones if it will make you feel better about your own bitter lives...

Tear me down and break me because no one else can do it better.

Listening To: Ocean Lab - Sky Falls Down (Original Vocal mix)
Currently Reading: my memories...
I Feel: numb

Please let me inside of you so I can know who I am .

Ouside looking in is such an unfair advantage. I hate being able to see what will happen and yet unable to stop it from happening.

Follow you? Never. I cannot even follow myself.

I choose to remain sedentary in a world that will run in circles until the vertigo sets in.

Do not blame me for these eyes that hold no emotion. Blame the ones who stole the feelings from the heart that beats out of instinct alone.

I am too tired to fight it and thus: I give in and up to whatever the Fates decide.

Listening To: Sarah McLachlan - Fear
Currently Reading: My own words, scrawled in the debris of a fragile mind.
I Feel: like a puzzle.

Out of place, like a first-place trophy at the bottom of a dumpster. I couldn't tell you why I feel like shit wrapped in gold.

I am sparkling on the outside and rotting away within.

Life constantly shows me that no matter how good things seem, there is always the Shadow behind you.

Brighter days are the reminder that nothing lasts forever - for the Light keeps it at a distance - but always there... you can always see it.

Where is the Shadow on days when the light is gone? It is upon you.

Listening To: Mesh - I Fall Over
Currently Reading: Nothing
I Feel: defeated

It hangs heavy, pulling at my shoulders � the crux of life�s design. Meticulously carved, intricately placed � wrapped around the circles of my eyes.

I will always see. I will always know.

You made it this way � to keep me under the pressure of your hands. Will there always be strings for you to pull; strings to play like the minstrel�s harp? Is that what I am? Your instrument to tell a story?

Oh, how interesting this story has become.

I am a caged bird who cannot sing. Mute. The larynx you ripped out holds the song. An organic music box that no longer winds. Broken. I am. You wanted to be.

Instead, you must paint the words onto a canvas of stretched flesh with the bones.

What does YOUR picture hold?

May 18, 2004

Listening To: Depeche Mode - Barrel of a Gun
Currently Reading: A Spy in the House of Love - Anais Nin
I Feel: pensive

You found me at the foot of the stairs; a ball curled around itself, the paper still crumbled in my hand. So many letters, words written in sepia ink, smeared through impatience� or was it me wanting to forget, crumbling the velvet soft parchment before the meaning had dried?

Permanence frightened the child in you who always longed to chase the rainbow.

- liquid spheres floated across the meadows �

They lived a beautiful, perfect life � the wind carrying them up, higher and higher; catching the rays of the sun on a flawless summer day.

Instead of finding the sweet caress of the zephyr, I tasted the bitter soil, crashing as so many beautiful things do. The blades tore through me until there was nothing left � only a spilled shimmer of dew, splattered across the ground.

There is Nothing except this letter.

Words and feelings written so long ago that I cannot remember clear pictures � only hazy, surreal fragments remain. I am a puzzle that had long since lost it�s pieces. Still I read the letters scrawled hurriedly, in handwriting I recognize as my own.

Time has worn away complete sentences, leaving only this cryptic message:

Listening To: Sarah McLachlan - Adia
Currently Reading: A Spy in the House of Love - Anais Nin
I Feel: steadfast

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be."

Listening To: Melissa Etheridge - Breathe
Currently Reading: KISS - A Guide to Digital Photography
I Feel: Done

I am the host to the emotional leeches of the world. Yes, come to me, for here you can feed.

I'm so tired of it all. I'm tired of giving, giving, giving and the moment I reach to take having it all fall upon me.

It's my fault, right? That's what you're going to say. Go ahead, say it then. I know when I'm at fault and I'm not the one who's afraid to admit their own mistakes.

My fault was in believing that it could've been different than all those other times that have left me cynical and jaded.

I knew better. I knew that if I handed you the knife, you'd do what everyone else did... you'd turn it on me.

I dream of beautiful things when everything I touch, I break. Chewing on bitterness and the sticks that cut deeper into my flesh, I wait for metaphors to become reality in a room that has no walls.

I have befriended the Sloth.

1, 2, 4, 11, 13 spinning stars fall into my pocket. Make a wish. I breathe in and reach down to find a hole burned into the faded denim pocket � the ruin of something complete.

I wish the stars wouldn�t have fallen away from me.

Now I see them floating downstream on a river of broken promises and dying dreams.

Collapsing stars devour my small world, plunging me into the void.

The void is where I stay.

Listening To: Chakra - I Am
Currently Reading: In the House of Incest by Anais Nin
I Feel: Lonely

As I tossed and turned in bed - I had disturbing twilight visions.

I dreamt of being tied with transparent thread, my most fervent prayers and wishes only inches from my constricted closed-palm hands. A single step would mean failure as I tumbled into the downward spiral.

Motionless and stationary would be tasting the dreams but never holding them, never making them mine.

I ache for liberation, for true wings that could carry me above and beyond. Instead I bleed through this razor-sharp web that digs deeper and deeper into my flesh, slowly and painfully becoming me until you no longer can decipher where I end and it begins.

I am prey. I shall wait for the spider.

Listening To: Andain - You Once Told Me

Well, I've decided that I need to officially stop being hooked on creating webpages and various weblogs. It's becoming rather annoying how addictive it can be. Already, I've developed a private blog, a musical blog, a community blog, a spiritual blog... I think I have a problem. ;-)

On another note - I'm very pleased with this layout that I found and have tweaked a bit. I've always been facinated with angel imagery (hence my eternal handle, Liquid x Angel) and the symbolism behind those beautiful beings.

Unfortunately, I am painfully aware at how such a gorgeous concept can be skewed, twisted and broken. Fallen angels, the epitome of what was once perfect, cast down with torn wings... never to soar again; never to ascend.

And they would be as I am; beautifully misguided.