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Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one's cousin or is
the reverse true - marry from afar to produce strong pogeny?
It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one's cousin nor is the
reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strong progeny. This whole
question is left to the social customs or norms.
I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal society that the
cousin has the social right upon his female cousin and that she is not to be
offered to him first. No one may propose to her until he has expressed his
wish not to marry her. In a way, within the Arab, particularly tribal
societies, they consider marrying within the family, more honourable, more
protective; keeping lineage pure and well established.
However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly to the
Messenger of Allah, "Marry from outside the family, otherwise your offspring
will be weak." In fact this, or something similar, is correctly attributed
to Umar ibn Al-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, "Your offspring are
becoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin." In discouraging
this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deen says, "Familiarity and
close family tie weaken the sexual desire in both of them. As a result,
children become weak." This is not a good reason. For surely, when partners
marry, after a few months they become familiar, there may be nothing new to
attract as they know each other inside out, but the natural desire is there.
However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of close relatives
leads to the accumulation of negative inherited qualities. For scientific
reasons therefore it may be advisable to marry from afar.
Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?
Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches. The
possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with or familiarising oneself
with the male partner-to-be was not widely available. It was left to
families, who know one another in static immovable communities, to arrange
such a proposal. Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the family
setting. If they like one another, the match may go further and marriage
preparation proceed.
One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day that he proposed
to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, "Have you seen her?" He said, "No".He said
to him, "See her. For this would bless your marriage with success". The same
is true as far as the girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given
the girl the right to express her views on the proposed person. He said,
"The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she does not object,
her silence is her permission." As for the divorced or one who is widowed,
no one has a say with her.
That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in accepting or
rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way. Nowadays girls go to
school and proceed to universities. They meet with boys in classrooms,
Islamic societies and at universities up and down the country. They get to
know one another in a decent moral environment. They are mature, well
educated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be taken into
consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamicly committed young Muslim
attracts the attention of a like minded Muslimah, their parents have to be
reasonable. Of course, they are interested in the happiness and success of
the marriage of their son or daughter, but they have to realise that they
are not buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion and love for
their children should not make them extra protective or act as a barrier
between their children and their children's future. In the words of the
hadith "If a person with satisfying religious attitude comes to seek your
daughter in marriage, accept that. If you do not, there will be great
mischief on earth and a great trouble." At the same time young people who
are blessed with education have to show patience, understanding and should
argue their case in a rational and respectable manner.
What should we look for in a partner ?
It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people are individuals
and as such have different priorities when selecting a life long partner.
However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) has given us some clues as to what
is to be desired most in both men and women. Because it is usually the male
who proposes, the address in the hadith is directed to the male
would-be-suitor. He said, "A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for
her beauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the last and you
will be the more successful." The same holds for the female in the choice of
a partner.
However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of the qualities
satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that is required in the young
woman, it is required in the man too. Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW)
as saying, "Do not give your daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For
they desire of men what men desire of women."
The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, "My face and his
face will never look at one another" He asked her, "Why?" She said, "I
looked at him coming in the company of other of his friends and he was the
shortest and the ugliest." The messenger asked her, "Will you return to him
the dower he has given you?" She replied, "Even if he asks more, I shall
give it to him." The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, "Take what you have
given her and release her." He did.
The age difference between potential partners should not be too great. It is
not fair to give a young girl to a man who is twenty or thirty years her
senior. If she, for one reason or another, accepts, or he accepts, then it
is their choice. But they should be aware of the future of their
relationship and the implications of such a marriage.
A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and he proposed to
her. She looked at him and said, "I accept, but there is a snag". He
enquired to which she answered, "I have some grey hair." The man passed on
without a word. She called out, "My uncle, look at my hair!" She had hair as
black as coal. He said to her, "Why did you say what you did?" She answered,
"To let you know that we do not like of men what they do not like of women."
Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life long relationship. For
that reason, any factor detrimental to the relationship should be avoided as
much as possible. Highly educated males and females should seek partners of
similar educational background. Cultural and family background is very
important. Common language is an essential way of communicating. Such things
help the two partners to understand, communicate and relate to one another
and are factors of stability and success.
Financial independence and the ability to provide a decent acceptable level
of maintenance. Again, this is a way of insuring that outside influences do
not spoil an otherwise happy life.
All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases for new human
experience which is expected to provide a framework for a happy, successful
and amicable life. All this is to be considered within the context of
Muslims living in Britain today.
A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. A Muslim man has to
think very seriously indeed before marrying a woman from the people of the
book and conversion just for the sake of marriage may not be a genuine
reason. In a non-Muslim country a Muslim man has no right to bring up his
children as Muslims, and this obligation particularly if love gradually
dries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.
The question of common language, background, education and age etc. are
meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise the chances of success and
stability in a very important Islamic institution - that of marriage.
However, considering the particular position of Muslim communities living in
minority situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all
sorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial or social. The most
fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one. As far as
language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not
significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can
take place, indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslims
living in Britain as they have common language - English, and the social
positions of their families in their countries of origins may well be
equalised living in Britain. If the prospective partner is of a good
character, strong religious inclination and the two young people are happy
and feel compatible with one another other considerations are not of such
importance.
Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for his daughter on the
basis that the suitor is not of the same race/caste?
There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a fact of life.
The Qur'an considers the difference of race, colour or language as signs of
the creative ability of Allah: "And of His signs is the creation of the
heavens and earth and the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here
indeed are signs for men of knowledge."(Ar-Rum:22).
In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human equality and
brotherhood: "Oh mankind! We have created you from a male and a female, and
then rendered you into nations and tribes so that you might know one
another. Indeed the most honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he
who is most pious."
There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his commentary on this
Qur'anic verse where the messenger of Allah condemned outright any racial
impact on the Islamic society. For the very reason we come across many
examples of people who, from a racial view, were not considered equal to
Arab women marrying among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of
AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies of the
tribe of Quraysh and so on.
But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they start to
reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the daughter of Umar, the
khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable, pious son and great companion of
the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said,
"Leave it to me and I will get him to retract from that." When Amr met
Salman he said to him, "Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the
Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give you his
daughter in marriage." Salman felt slighted by this and thought and
retorted, "By Allah, I will never accept to marry his daughter!"
Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of Muhammad
ibn Ja'far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious. He said to Muhammad,
"You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite women to a slave from Thaqif!" and
he ordered Al-Hajjaj to divorce her.
So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright. It does not
make a difference whether the parents are well educated or unlettered. In
the new environment of living in Britain the situation may ease gradually.
However, young educated people who find themselves locked in such situations
have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would advise them
to read my article, "Guardianship in Marriage' (See page 11 for details).
Should children deliberately go about altering the views of their
parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they know is allowed but frowned
upon by the others ?
This should be the last resort if they really are very emotionally attached
to one another. Marriage is a solemn, important bond. It cannot be played
about with as a means of changing die-hard customs. The marrying couple will
be the first victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if they
really love one another, so that this love may sustain them until they are
able to change the attitude of their parents, then well and good. Though, it
will not change the attitude of the whole community.
However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type of relationship just to
change people. It may prove that the couple do not have the common cause to
sustain this gesture of rejection. They themselves may reject the attempt.
The consequences of such actions can be far reaching.
What are the rituals of marriage of that are the sacred/important ones ?
There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simple form of
expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife. The procedure is as
follows: There is a young man wishing to get married and a young woman who
is ready for marriage. Their families know one another and so the man's
family approaches the woman's family - (The opposite is also appropriate).
If there is acceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,
exploring - in a chaperoned, not in a private manner - with one another. If
they choose to settle down, some gifts may be exchanged and a date set for
the announcement of the match and working out of the marriage preparations.
The families may arrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or
house where the formal Islamic agreement may take place.
The woman's guardian, usually the father, will say to the would-be-husband,
"I give you my daughter, (the girl in my guardianship), in marriage in
accordance to the Islamic Shari'ah, in the presence of the witnesses here
with the dowry agreed upon. And Allah is our best witness."
The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, "I accept marrying your
daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself" - repeating the other words.
Thus, the marriage is concluded.
It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold it in a mosque
and to have some form of entertainment. In the words of the Prophet(SAW),
"Declare this marriage, have it in the mosque and beat the drums." This is
used to be the best the way of establishing that great, sacred relationship.
What is dowry and who gives it to whom ?
The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim woman as part of
the correct contract of marriage. The Qur'an states in chapter 4, verse 4:
"And give the women their dowries as a free gift, but if they are pleased to
offer you any of it accept it with happiness and with wholesome pleasure."
The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: "the wealth the wife
deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract of marriage on the
consummation."
So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctly wedded wife. It
is enjoined by the Qur'an, the practical examples of the Messenger of Allah
and the consensus of the companions of the Prophet(SAW).
There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of the community play a
great part in deciding the agreed amount to be given as dower. In the past,
families would ask of a dower which reflects the social status of them.
After the spread of education and the maturity of age of both husband and
wife, families began to relax this custom, taking into consideration that
young people who start work after graduation do not have much money to offer
for the girls they have going to marry. Families have come to the
realisation that dower is a symbolic gesture. It is good to start building
their family life without incurring a debt which may ruin their happiness
and future prospects. If both husband and wife are working, the families may
prefer that the young couple build their life from scratch together, rather
than burdening them with hefty dower which they cannot afford.
It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband. This is not
a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamic requirement is not because the man
is going to buy the woman, it is to express his love, care and the dignity
of the woman. Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, is
considered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because it expresses these
feelings.
Is it necessary to have a civil marriage ?
It is important to have a marriage registered with the civil authority so
that it may be recognised. There are many legal implications as a result of
such a registration. Firstly, it is the recognised marriage in this country.
The civil marriage if it is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses
amounts to a correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect which
leads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating, although
these things are not required Islamicly.
Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement to inheritance,
pension and legal documentation are not accepted by the authority. For the
sake of legality it must be registered.
In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrative obligation
to register the marriage. This is to officiate and recognise all aspects
that come from the marital relationship. So, if for nothing else, it is a
must for the sake of the children.
Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is one required to spend huge
sums on a wedding ?
Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages. Moderation is
the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim's life. Weddings should not
be ostentatious nor are they supposed to be expressions of pride and
competition. It is not fair for the parents or the young couple to start
their life debt ridden as a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of
hours or a little longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage should
not be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties, expensive
hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided. But at the same time,
it should not be a dull and gloomy occasion. It is an occasion of great joy
and happiness and should be celebrated as such.
The most important is the walima - the dinner party. It is the sunnah so
that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come to share the joy of the
occasion, to give thanks to Allah and to entertain needy people within the
community.
This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was the
responsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW) saw some
coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about it and AbdurRahman
replied, "I got married". The Prophet(SAW) told him, "Make a walima with at
least one lamb." The Prophet(SAW) himself made a number of walimas each time
he got married. The walimas differed according to the financial position of
the time. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly three hundred
people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On other occasions the
Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bring whatever food was available.
The important part is the coming together, sharing the happiness and
advertising the new relationship in a moderate and inexpensive manner.
Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities where girls or boys marry
without parental consent, knowledge or approval ?
The word used in the question, `secret', is anathema to the concept of
marriage which is a relationship built to secure peace, happiness and
tranquillity. There are many rights and obligations resulting from agreement
of marriage. These include the honour and integrity of the woman concerned,
her family and relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many
instances, even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they
face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the young couple tire
of one another after taking what they want from one another? Who loses in
such situations? That is why Muslim scholars frown upon secretive
arrangements even though other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue
that the Shari'ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every
available way. They quote a number of statements of the Prophet(SAW) to that
effect. For example the statement, "There is no valid marriage without a
guardian and two witnesses. Any arrangement short of that is invalid,
invalid, invalid." Another statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, "Any
marriage not attended by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication.
They are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses."
Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as common
marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well documented marriage. The
first is when marriage takes place without being officially recorded. But it
takes place within the family, is known among the friends and neighbours but
for other reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing
unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious marriage
even though there are unethical motives behind it.
The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question. When the two
parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two friends to witness the
marriage with the understanding that they do not talk about it. And they did
not, I repeat, they did not register it. This does not amount to a secure,
tranquil marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The comment
of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of the Islamic
Shari'ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is that "We do not
condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is far from the real concept of
marriage. Families and girls' honour should not be treated so flippantly. In
my life as a judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases
resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah's Shari'ah has to be respectfully
followed. Any so called legal fictions in this particular matter must be
shunned."
And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.
Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of
UK Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters, answers some frequently
asked questions about marriage. These questions are taken from the magazine
called "Trends".
Guardianship in Marriage by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah Publications
FAO Ashfaq Ali,
841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3 8QJ |
