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Everywhere in this society, sex, and sexuality are openly
displayed for all to see. In this climate of free sex and loose
moral standards, it becomes imperative for Muslim parents to be
proactive in the sexual education of their children. Now,
although for many of us, the thought of telling our children the
whys, hows, and wheres of the proper sexual behavior between a
man and woman, might make us cringe, when we think of the
alternative, we'll see that we have no choice. Sexual education
is a phrase that is taboo for many Muslims. Part of the reason
for this misunderstanding, is that people who encourage
fornication and sexual deviations, are often the ones who teach
sexual education in this society. How can a Muslim parent then
not worry when schools and mass media portray fornication as
sexual freedom, and homosexuality as an acceptable 'sexual
orientation'? But does this mean that Muslim parents and
educators should choose that their children have no sexual
education at all? The answer is no! Children will always receive
some kind of sexual education, and even if you isolate them,
they will still get it from other children! The correct attitude
should be to give our children the right sexual education, one
that is derived from the Qur'an and the Sunnah. It is therefore
the obligation of every parent to be prepared to carry out this
task, and to be able to do so in the best manner. This article
will, inshaAllah, present some guidance that may make the chore
less stressful for all parties involved
The Different Stages of Sexual Education
As a child goes through different developmental stages, his
sexual education should too be planned in stages, and each
lesson should be appropriate to the age of the child. Although
children's maturity vary greatly at any given age, there are
four main stages that most children go through:
7-10 Years: the Age of Discernment
At this age, the child should know the etiquette of entering the
parents' room, and the rules concerning looking at others.
10-14 Years: Adolescensce
At this age, the child should learn how to avoid sexual arousal,
and should be protected from it.
14-16 Years: Puberty
When the child should know the etiquette of sexual intercourse,
if he or she is ready to get married in the near future.
16 and Above: Young Adults
The unmarried young men and women should learn sexual
abstinence, and the dangers of adultery and fornication (zina).
THE AGE OF DISCERNMENT
In most homes, young children move about quite freely, and often
take for granted that they can enter wherever they want.
However, there are limitations for older children, who at
certain times should ask their parents' permission before
entering their bedroom.
Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "O you who believe! Let your
slaves and the children among you who have not come to the age
of puberty ask your permission (before they come to your
presence), on three occasions: before morning prayer (salatul
Fajr), and when you put off your clothes for the noon rest, and
after the late-night prayer (salatul Isha). These three times
are of privacy for you, outside these times, there is no sin on
you or on them to move about, attending to each other. Thus
Allah makes clear the Signs to you. And Allah is All-Knowing,
All-Wise." [24:58]
It is then preferable that when the child is old enough to
discern between right and wrong, and easily understands and
follows directions (usually around age seven), that he should
ask permission before entering. This is especially emphasized at
the times when the parents are usually undressed, i.e., from the
time after Isha prayer to the Fajr prayer, and during an
afternoon nap. There is no doubt that this teaches the children
to be decent, and aids to protect them from unintentionally
stumbling upon scenes that may prove shocking to them. When the
child reaches puberty, he should be taught to ask permission
before entering at all times, as Allah says, "And when the
children among you come to puberty, then let them also ask for
permission, as those senior to them (in age). Thus Allah makes
clear His Signs for you. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise."
[24:59] By teaching and reinforcing these lessons over time,
decency and modesty can gradually be integrated into the child's
character.
MEETING THE OTHER SEX
The Etiquette's of Lowering The Gaze
One of the hardest lessons for us raised in the West to unlearn,
is this notion of eye contact. Although most of us were taught
from childhood that it is impolite to stare, we were also taught
to look at someone when they were speaking to us, there was no
such thing as lowering the gaze. The evidence of this is seen
everyday, as men and women openly ogle and drool all over each
other in the streets. This is why it is so pressing for us to
make sure that Muslim children become aware of what is lawful
for him or her to look at and what is not. This is more pressing
in the case of children who live here in a non-Muslim society,
where they are constantly exposed to indecent scenes of both men
and women, in the streets, on television, in magazines, on
billboards, etc. Indeed the eye is the window to the soul, and a
lustful look can lead to feelings of desire, which can lead to
thoughts of fornication.
This is why looking at the opposite sex is regulated by the
Islamic Shari'ah, where the rules depend on whether they are
mahram (plural maharim) or not. This refers to women with whom a
man has a specified degree of relationship that precludes
marriage.
ETIQUETTES OF LOOKING
Men Looking at Mahram Women
A man is allowed to look at women who are his mahram, but only
at what is usually exposed of their bodies for the necessity of
working inside the house, such as the head, the hands, the feet,
and the neck. For Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, says, "And say to
the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard
their private parts, that they should not display their beauty
and ornaments except what ordinarily appear thereof. That they
should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their
beauty except to their husbands, their fathers, their husbands'
fathers, their sons, their husbands' sons, their brothers, or
their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons." [24:31] However,
one should not look at what is usually covered such as the
knees, the breasts, the armpits, etc. This means that the woman
should be decently clothed while in the presence of her mahram
relatives.
Men looking at Non-mahram women
It is forbidden for a man to look at women who are strangers to
him (i.e., who are outside the mahram relationship). He should
lower his gaze as Allah orders him, "Tell the believing men to
lower their gaze, and protect their private parts. This is purer
for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do." [24:30]
Adolescent boys (and even younger ones) that can distinguish
between a beautiful woman and a less beautiful one, and can
appreciate women's physical attributes, should be taught to
lower their gaze. This protects them from getting their sexual
desires aroused. It is sad to hear people saying that there is
no harm in an innocent look, especially in the case of
teenagers, with the idea that this may somewhat extinguish their
sexual desire. On the contrary, a lustful look may lead to a
greater sin, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"It is written on the son of Adam his lot of zina
(fornication/adultery), that will inevitably afflict him. The
zina of the eyes is looking, the zina of the ears is hearing,
the zina of the tongue is talking, the zina of the hand is
assaulting, and the zina of the foot is walking; the heart
desires and wishes, and the genitals affirm or deny." (Bukhari
and Muslim)
In fact, lowering the gaze is a good deed for which a Muslim is
rewarded. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "No
Muslim whose eyesight falls inadvertently on the beauties of a
woman and then he lowers his gaze, but Allah will credit for him
a worship he will appreciate its sweetness in his heart."
(Ahmad, at-Tabarani) While the first inadvertent look causes no
sin on him, the young man should be taught not to follow it by
another, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said to
Ali Ibn Abi Talib, "O Ali! Do not let the second look follow the
first. The first look is allowed to you but not the second." (Tirmithi,
Ahmad and Abu Dawud)
Men looking at other men and women looking at other women
Today, both men and women walk about practically in a state of
undress, therefore it is more important now more than ever, for
Muslim children to be taught to lower their gaze and this
applies to both men and women. A man is not allowed to look at
another man's awrah, i.e. the area between his navel and his
knees (these two parts included), as the Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "A man should not look at the awrah of
another man nor a woman of a woman, nor should a man go under
one cloth with another man, nor a woman with another woman."
(Muslim) He also said to a man he saw uncovering his thigh,
"Cover your thigh, for the thigh is awrah." (al-Hakim)
It is clear from this that a man should always cover himself
from the navel to the knees in the presence of others, and
should not uncover his awrah while swimming or playing sports
games, or while taking showers in the presence of others. It is
highly recommended to teach boys to cover themselves down to the
knees at a young age (around seven) so that they grow up with
this habit.
This rule applies equally to Muslim women looking at other
women, whether these are Muslims or disbelievers. Many of us
however, feel no shame at sitting and browsing through a
Victoria's Secret Catalogue, or through the pages of a swimsuit
or fitness magazine, where the women are practically naked,
doing so either out of indifference or ignorance. It is
regrettable to see a Muslim woman allowing herself to look at
non-believing women who are barely clothed, believing that this
is allowed. Girls should be taught to lower their gaze when they
see such scenes, and should learn to cover their awrah at all
times, when they are in presence of other women, Muslim or
otherwise. The awrah of the woman with respect to other Muslim
women is the same as the awrah of the man, i. e., from the knees
to the navel.
Men looking at teenage boys
While in general, men are allowed to look during usual
activities at teenage boys whose beards have not yet grown in,
they are forbidden to look at them if there is a fear of
temptation, especially in the case of handsome boys. Looking
then becomes unlawful, because this may lead to sexual desire
and sexual deviation.
Women Looking at Men
A woman is allowed to look at men while they are walking on the
street, for the purpose of buying in the market, or other lawful
activities, provided that they are properly clothed, with their
awrah completely covered.
The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, allowed Aisha to look
at the Abyssinians playing with their spears in the courtyard of
his masjid, while she was hiding behind him. Women are not
allowed to look closely at a man, however, or to have a lustful
or provocative look, or to look deliberately at them when they
happen to be in the same setting (such as on a bus, or in a
room).
The reason for this rule being somewhat more relaxed for women
is that usually they are not the ones who initiate a
relationship, due to their nature, and that men are usually more
daring.
Looking at a Small Child's Awrah
There is a consensus among the scholars that children who are
four years old or younger have no awrah, meaning that there is
no harm in looking at their naked bodies. The awrah of children
over four years is the genitals and the buttocks. When the
child's consciousness of sex has developed, or when evidence of
sexual urge is noticed in him/her, the awrah limit becomes the
same as that of adults and should be treated as such. However it
is better to accustom the child to being always properly
clothed.
All the rules of prohibition of looking become void in cases of
necessity such as in administering first aid or medical
treatment or during a trial testimony as the judge requests.
Other exceptions are looking at one's spouse, and a man looking
at a woman for the prospect of marrying her. These two
exceptions will be discussed later.
A child who is raised in the context of these divine rules of
lowering the gaze will no doubt acquire a distinguished Islamic
personality, and a noble social character. Indeed, there is no
better way to teach the child these manners, than for us the
parents to lead the way and set the proper example for them to
follow.
WHO IS CONSIDERED MAHRAM?
Any woman, with whom a man has a relationship (of blood or
foster) that precludes marriage, is considered a mahram to him.
Mahram women include his mother, grandmother, daughter,
granddaughter, sister, aunt, grandaunt, niece, grandniece, his
father's wife, his wife's daughter, his mother-in-law, his
foster mother (the one who breastfed him), foster sisters, and
any foster relatives that are similar to the above mentioned
blood relatives. For the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "What is forbidden by reason of kinship is forbidden by
reason of suckling." (Bukhari)
These are considered maharim because Allah mentions them in the
Holy Qur'an, "And marry not women whom your fathers married,
except what has already passed; indeed it was shameful and most
hateful, and an evil way. Forbidden to you (for marriage) are:
your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your brother's
daughters, your sister's daughters, your foster mother who
breastfed you, your foster milk suckling sisters, your wives'
mothers, your stepdaughters under your guardianship, born of
your wives to whom you have gone in -but there is no sin on you
if you have not done so (to marry their daughters), the wives of
your sons who spring from your loins, and two sisters in wedlock
at the same time, except for what has already passed; verily
Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [4:22-23] All the man's
female relatives mentioned in these two verses are considered
his maharim, because it is unlawful (haram) for him to marry
them, except the wife's sister mentioned last, who is not a
mahram because he can marry her if he divorces his wife, or if
she dies. Reciprocally, if a woman is a mahram to a man, such
her brother, her father, her uncle, etc. then he is a mahram to
her. One of the hardest things for my family to adjust to is the
fact that I can't be alone or get undressed in front of some of
my male relatives. To them, it's just Patrick or Mike or Kari,
what's the harm? They do not understand that some relatives are
not considered maharim who fall under the category of strangers,
and are, therefore, legal for marriage under the Islamic
Shari'ah.
Remember: Two habits that are commonly practiced in some Muslim
communities and societies, which are unlawful, and Muslims
should be warned against are:
Privacy with non-Mahram
Satan is always eager to tempt people and to make them fall into
what is unlawful, and for this reason Allah subhanahu warns us
saying, "O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Satan.
And whosoever follows the footsteps of Satan, then verily he
commands what is indecent and wrong." [24:21] One of the Satan's
means to tempt people into sin, is privacy with non-mahram
women, for this reason the Shar'iah has prohibited it. The
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A man does not meet
privately with a woman without the Satan being the third
(present)." (Tirmithi) Ibn Umar narrated that the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, also said, "From now on a man must
not drop in on a non-mahram woman unless accompanied by one or
two men." (Muslim) Therefore, a man is not allowed to be alone
with a stranger-woman in a house or a room, or in a car, even if
that woman is his sister-in-law or his maid, or his patient [in
the case of a physician] etc. Many people are very lax
concerning this rule, thinking they have confidence in
controlling themselves or confidence in the other party, but
this leads to fornication or to its preambles, and causes the
increase of illegitimate children.
Shaking the hands of non-mahram
The traditions of certain societies have prevailed over Allah's
Shari'ah concerning this matter. Their wrong habits have
overcome the rule of religion so much so that when one presents
the rule of the Shari'ah to them, he is accused of being
backward. Shaking the hand of one's female cousins, or one's
uncles' wives has become as easy as falling off a log in our
societies, but if people considered seriously the dangers of
this matter in the Shari'ah, they would not do it. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "It is better for one of you
to be pierced by an iron needle in the head than to touch the
hand of a woman that is not allowed to him." (Tabarani) This sin
is considered a fornication of the hand, as the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "The eyes fornicate, and the
hands fornicate, and the feet fornicate, and the intimate parts
fornicate." (Ahmad) Is there a person purer than Muhammad,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam? And in spite of that he said, "I do
not shake women's hands." (Ahmad) He also said, "I do not touch
women's hands." (Tabarani) Aisha, radhiallahu anha, said, "No by
Allah, the Prophet's hand never touched a woman's hand, he used
to accept their pledge of allegiance by [hearing their] words
only." (Muslim) Men who threaten to divorce their pious wives if
they refuse to shake their brothers' hands should fear Allah. It
should also be known that wearing a glove or wrapping the hand
with a cloth while shaking hands is not allowed either.
ADOLESCENCE
It is widely recognized that adolescence is the most dangerous
and tumultuous period in the life of an individual. If the child
passes this period safely, it is hoped that he will have a happy
and successful life later. For this reason, Islam prescribes on
every parent whose child approaches adolescence to guard him
against anything that might arouse his sexual desire, and this
should begin when the child is around ten.
SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN INSIDE THE HOME
The parents should supervise their children by making sure that
they behave in an Islamic way and are aware of the Islamic rules
that protect them from sexual arousal. These rules are
summarized as follows:
When the boy is ten years or older, he should not enter a place
where women are gathered, especially if they are wearing their
beautiful attires and have adorned themselves with makeup and
jewelry. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam said, "Beware
of entering [places] where women are!" (Bukhari and Muslim)
Children ten years and older should not share the same bed even
if they are of the same sex, as the Prophet advised, saying,
"Enjoin your children to perform salah when they are seven, and
spank them for it when they are ten, and let them sleep in
separate beds." (al-Hakim and Abu Dawud)
Adolescent boys and girls should at this age be familiar with
the etiquette of looking at the opposite sex, and apply its
rules.
The child must be supervised as to what he watches on
television. Better yet, television should be avoided altogether.
Nobody in his right mind can deny the overwhelming presence of
sex in all television programs, including cartoons, news and
documentaries. Bringing a television set into one's house is
like bringing a fox into the chicken coop. There is no excuse
for the Muslim parent to let his child watch such debasing
programs, which the disbelievers themselves criticize.' The
child who knows that the Shariah enjoins him to lower his gaze
will realize that it is almost impossible to watch television
and at the same time observe that divine order of lowering one's
gaze, and that watching television will undoubtedly arouse his
desire to commit sins.
The child should be supervised concerning the materials he
reads, such as books and magazines. Moreover the books the child
gets from, or that are assigned to him by non-Islamic schools
should be closely monitored. Parents should not hesitate to
enter the child's room - after asking permission - in order to
make sure that he does not turn it into a hiding place for
forbidden materials.
Finally, by the age of ten, the child should not be allowed to
befriend anyone from the opposite sex, whether a relative or a
neighbor, not even for studying or competing. It is a dangerous
slip that might lead the child to fornication.
SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN OUTSIDE OF THE HOME
Muslim children leaving home are like soldiers going to the
battlefield, they should be armed to ward off the dangers
awaiting them outside. Although too numerous to cite, here are a
few:
The dangers of the cinema and theater, which base their products
almost entirely on sex, for their belief is that 'sex sells'.
The danger of women's clothing where the woman's dress is ever
shrinking in length.
The dangers of the brothels, and prostitutes are obvious.
Needless to say that these are diseases that have become a
fixture in almost all societies, and hence the child should at
any price be protected from them.
The dangers of indecent pictures intended to sharpen the sexual
appetite, and which are exposed everywhere in the streets.
The dangers of befriending other children who might have a bad
influence on the child. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, warned against befriending bad people, saying, "A man is
of the same faith as his bosom friend, so make sure whom you
take as a bosom friend." (Ibn Hibban)
The dangers of intermingling the two sexes. It may appear that
the mixing of young boys and girls in school presents no harm,
but in fact the child becomes so accustomed to being mixed with
the opposite sex that later the idea of segregating himself from
the opposite sex becomes strange to him.
COMMUNICATION IS THE BEST STRATEGY
In the face of all these dangers, supervision outside the house
becomes impossible, and in fact may not even be a good strategy,
considering the more mature personality of the child at this
age. A more positive attitude is to help him regulate his own
sexual desire, and correct himself. Some of the ways in which
this can be done include:
Educating and enlightening the child about the dangers outside
the home. The child should realize that these diseases of the
society are not part of his Islamic heritage. Some of them are
the result of foreign ideologies and philosophies, ranging from
the Freudian theories which base everything on sex; to the
Marxist and Communist theories which deny the existence of the
Creator and make man his own god; to the Hippies and the sexual
revolution, etc. The child should be educated about his own
Islamic heritage and should know that Islam preaches decency and
chastity, and that what the child sees in the streets is the
result of the deviation from the true religion, Islam.
Parents should constantly caution the child about the dangerous
consequences of fornication. No sinful act has greater
repercussion on the person's life, and the society as a whole,
than the act of fornication. Parents should explicitly caution
their child about these dangers as soon as they sense that he or
she is mature enough to understand them. Some of these harmful
consequences include:
1-Repercussion on the child's health: Many children and young
men are unaware that sexual promiscuity leads to many sexually
transmitted diseases. One such disease is AIDS, a deadly disease
that has become the plague of sexually promiscuous societies.
One single sexual act may ruin the child's health forever. This
danger alone is an incentive strong enough to caution the child
against the sin of fornication and any path that leads to it.
2-Repercussion on the society: Any society in which sexual rules
are relaxed suffers from many illnesses such as a high number of
unwed mothers, children born out of wedlock, a high number of
rapists, and finally the gradual destruction of the nuclear
family.
3-Repercussion on the economy: No doubt that the wave of
fatherless children resulting from the plague of fornication,
constitutes an economic burden on the society. On the other
hand, a man who commits such acts acquires a sense of
irresponsibility, which will no doubt reflect on his work, and
on the society as a whole.
4-Repercussion on the Hereafter: It is very important that the
child should fear Allah's Punishment if he commits this
abominable sin. Allah says, "And those who invoke not with Allah
any other god, nor kill such life as Allah has forbidden, except
for just cause, nor commit illegal sexual intercourse; and
whoever does this shall receive the punishment. The torment will
be doubled to him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide
therein in disgrace." [25:68-69]
Connecting the child to his religious roots. Parents should
teach their children Islamic culture and history. The child
should also know the norms within a Muslim community and the way
social activities (gatherings, sports, hobbies, etc.) are per
formed according to the Islamic Shari'ah. Parents should
encourage -even insist- that the child chooses his friends from
the company of well-behaved Muslim children.
SAFE PASSAGE
Puberty is the most turbulent and confusing period in a person's
life both physically and emotionally. Things begin to happen to
your body that you don't understand and you begin to experience
feelings and emotions that were before this, alien to you. All
of this can cause drastic mood swings, and behavioral changes in
children that parents must be aware of. It is also a time, when
the lines of communication between parent and child need to be
wide open. As parents we need to listen, be empathetic to their
situation and explain what all these changes mean in regards to
their lives and their religion.
When a child reaches puberty, he becomes fully accountable for
his deeds in the Sight of Allah.
The parents of the adolescent boy should inform him that the
first time he ejaculates, he becomes accountable for his actions
in front of Allah, and he should perform the acts of worship in
the same way that adult Muslims do.
When a girl is about nine years old, her parents should inform
her that the first time she sees blood (menstruation), she
becomes accountable for her acts and that the acts of worship
prescribed for Muslim women are also prescribed for her.
When the child reaches puberty, there are certain rules that the
parents should explain to him or her, which include:
If the child has a sexual dream, he does not have to take a bath
(ghusl) unless he sees or feels wetness on his clothes or bed
sheets due to sperm ejaculation. In the case of a girl, vaginal
discharge, the type of viscous discharge that commonly occurs
after a woman has had an orgasm, should be noticed before it is
necessary to take a bath. Such was the answer of the Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, to Khawlah Bint Hakeem, who asked
him if a woman should make ghusl when she has a sexual dream. He
said, "No ghusl on her unless she has a discharge, similarly
there is no ghusl on the man unless he ejaculates." (Ahmad and
Nasa'i)
When the child wakes up and sees or feels wetness due to sexual
discharge, he/she should perform ghusl even if he/she did not
remember having any dream.
When the boy ejaculates due to sexual arousal, whether voluntary
or involuntary, he should perform ghusl. The same rule applies
to the girl if she had an orgasm or vaginal discharge.
Young men and young women who are about to get married should
know that during sexual intercourse, as soon as penetration
occurs they both should perform ghusl whether there was
discharge or not. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "When he sits between her arms and legs, and the two
organs touch, and his organ disappears (in hers), there should
be ghusl, whether he ejaculated or not." (Muslim)
When the girl does not see anymore blood at the end of her
menses, she should perform ghusl. The married woman should know
that after childbirth she should make ghusl as soon as the
bleeding stops. The next step is obviously to teach the child
how to perform ghusl and the Sunan acts of ghusl. He or she
should know the acts that are unlawful to him or her while in a
state of sexual impurity. These include:
During menstruation, or after birth bleeding, a woman is
forbidden to pray, fast, hold the Qur'an, enter a mosque unless
passing through it, make tawaf (i.e., circumambulate the
Ka'bah), or have sexual intercourse. For Allah says, "They ask
you about menstruation, say: it is a harmful thing, therefore
keep away from women during menses and go not unto them until
they are clean." [2:222]
Men and women who are in a state of sexual impurity (janabah)
are prohibited from reading the Qur'an or touching it before
making ghusl. For the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "The menstruating woman and the one in a state of sexual
impurity must not read anything from the Qur'an." (Tirmidhi).
They are also forbidden to pray, enter the mosque, or make
tawaf.
The child should learn to inspect his clothes and keep them
clean from sperm (or vaginal discharge), or in fact, any liquid
discharge from the sexual organs.
UN-MARRIED, STAYING CHASTE
Today, young people, especially young men are under constant
pressure to conform to the norms of the larger society, and to
express his manhood through loose sexual behavior. To be a
virgin in this day and age is looked upon as a sexual deviancy,
while promiscuity and sexual perversions are looked at as
normal. Muslim youth should always be guarded against such
thinking, and steps should be taken to guard their chastity
until marriage becomes a viable option. But what should young
men do, if they wish to get married but cannot afford it? Allah
says concerning them, "And let those who find not the financial
means for marriage keep themselves chaste until Allah enriches
them of His Bounty." [24:33]
Many means are offered to Muslim youths to help them to preserve
their chastity. Some have been discussed earlier, such as
lowering the gaze, keeping away from anything that induces
arousal, seeking the company of righteous people and fearing the
punishment of Allah. Some other ways are:
Filling one's idle time with physical and intellectual
activities, so that one does not engage in sexual fantasies that
arouses the desire. Physical activity is also a good way to
expend extra energy, and also to relieve pressure.
Practicing voluntary fasting, as fasting decreases the sexual
drive, and brings one closer to Allah. The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "Those who cannot (marry) should fast,
for it is a means of cooling sexual passion." (Bukhari)
Most of all, unmarried people should strengthen the religious
deterrent within themselves. One good way is to remember the
many verses in the Qur'an warning against zinaa. Also, they can
consider the story of Yusuf, who is the perfect example of the
chaste man, "And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce
him, she closed the doors and said, 'Come on, O you.' He said,
'Allah forbid! "' [12:23]
DEVIATIONS ARE WRONG
Regardless of the consensus of the larger society, homesexuality
is not a sexual norm, or alternative. Islam considers
homosexuality as a sexual deviation leading to a perverted act
which goes against the natural order Allah intended for mankind.
It is a corruption of the man's sexuality and a crime against
the opposite sex. Therefore, the Islamic Shari'ah strictly
prohibits the practice of this perverted act, which is mentioned
in many places in the Holy Qur'an.
The story of Prophet Lot's people, who were addicted to this
practice, is the best example. Prophet Lot, alayhes salam, said
to his people, "Verily, you do sodomy with men, and rob the
wayfarer! And practice all wickedness in your meetings." [29:29]
And he said to them, "Of all the creatures of the world, will
you approach males, and leave those whom Allah has created for
you to be your wives? Nay, you are a trespassing people!"
[26:165-166] But their answer to Prophet Lot, alayhessalam, was,
"Bring us the Wrath of Allah if you are telling us the Truth."
[29:29] And so Allah gave them the punishment they deserved,
"And We rained on them a rain of torment. And how evil was the
rain of those who had been warned." [26:173] Because of the
danger, and the atrocity of this crime, Allah has punished the
people who committed it by four kinds of punishments. No people
have been punished by all four combined before: He blinded their
eyes, He turned the town of Sodom upside down, He rained on them
stones of baked clay piled up, and He sent against them a sayhah
[a torment and an awful cry].
Just as a person who has a sexual urge should not satisfy it by
committing zina, a person who has this perverted thought should
not act upon it. In order to maintain the purity of the Muslim
society, most Muslim scholars have ruled that the punishment for
this act should be the same as for zina (i.e., one hundred
whiplashes for the man who has never married and death by
stoning for the married man). Some have even ruled that the
punishment of both partners in sodomy is execution by the sword,
if they committed the act by their own choice and agreement. For
Ibn Abbas narrated that the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "Whomever you found committing the crime of Lot's
people [i.e., sodomy], then kill both partners." (Ahmad) The
unprecedented plagues and the many dangerous diseases that have
appeared in our time such as the fatal AIDS disease, and which
are the result of this immoral crime, show the wisdom of
inflicting such strong punishment for this sin.
WHAT ABOUT MASTURBATION?
Guarding one's chastity also includes staying away from
masturbation. Sexual arousal may drive a person to masturbation.
Such a person should know, however, that the majority of the
scholars consider this practice unlawful. This ruling is based
on the Words of Allah Who says, "Those who guard their private
parts except from their spouses or those whom their right hands
possess, for them, they are free from blame. But those who crave
something beyond that, are transgressors." [23:5-7] The one who
masturbates is considered be among 'those who crave something
beyond that' specified in the verse.
A Muslim should therefore resist this temptation by avoiding
anything that leads to sexual arousal. The Prophet's advice to
the Muslim youth is to seek help through frequent fasting, for
it strengthens the fear of Allah, teaches self control, and
cools one's desire.
GETTING READY FOR MARRIAGE
Unlike the misguided thinking of some 'people of the book',
sexual urge and desire is neither a sinful thing, nor does
abstaining from expressing it in a lawful manner, lead to a
higher level of spiritual awareness. Allah created sexual urge
in mankind, as it is the means by which the procreation and
continuity of humanity is ensured. Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala,
says, "And Allah has given you wives of your own kind, and has
given you, from your wives, sons and grandsons." [16:72]
Sex is indeed a strong driving force in the human being, which
demands fulfillment. Islam recognizes this urge and never denies
it, but regulates it through the institution of marriage. Just
as Islam strictly forbids sex outside marriage, and all means
leading to it, it also prohibits celibacy. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Young men, those of you who
can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking
at women and preserves your chastity. " (Bukhari)
A young man who is physically and financially capable to marry
should be encouraged to do so as early as possible. The parents
of a young woman who is ready for marriage should let her marry
as soon as an acceptable man proposes to her.
It is not enough to tell our children about the dangers of
fornication; we should make it a point to explain to them the
many benefits of marriage. By denying them one set of behaviors,
it then becomes necessary to offer them legal and acceptable
alternatives. Besides being a lawful way of satisfying one's
sexual urge, marriage is considered a form of worship, and the
sexual act itself is a good deed for which the Muslim receives a
reward. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "And in
the sexual act (with your spouses) there is a charity (you will
be rewarded for)." He was then asked, "A man satisfies his urge
and gets reward for it?" He said, "Do you see if he satisfied it
in an unlawful way, would he not get a punishment?" They said,
"Yes." And then he said, "Similarly if he did it in a lawful
way, he would be rewarded for it!" (Muslim) Through marriage,
men and women can find tranquillity and peace with each other.
Allah says, "And among His Signs is that He created for you
wives from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquillity
with them, and He has put between you affection and mercy."
[30:21] Marriage ensures the growth and spread of the Muslim
ummah. It splits the responsibilities of raising the child
between the parents, and tightens the bond between the
generations.
When young people become aware of the many benefits of marriage,
they will no doubt look forward to it. The tremendous task of
choosing a spouse for the young man or woman lies more on the
shoulders of their parents, who should know about the Islamic
way of choosing a spouse for their child, and also should inform
the child about the etiquette of betrothal.
Their next responsibility is to inform the would-be-groom and
bride about what is lawful and unlawful, liked and disliked for
them to do on their wedding night and beyond.
SUGGESTIONS FOR SPOUSE SELECTION
When choosing spouses for their children, many Muslim parents
nowadays, look for physical beauty and economical prowess, and
disregard requiring them to have good Islamic character. The
proper choice of an appropriate spouse for one's offspring
ensures a good foundation for the family they will establish.
For this reason Islam pays great attention to the way one
chooses a spouse. In choosing a bride for their son, the parents
should take into consideration his preferences regarding her
physical beauty and character, but most importantly they should
seek a Muslim woman of high moral and religious standards. The
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally
sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or
her deen (religiousness), so choose a religious woman and you
will prosper." (Muslim)
Similarly, the girl's father should not postpone nor refuse to
marry his daughter to a man who proposes to her, if he is of
sound religion, character and of equal status. The Prophet,
sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "When someone with whose
religion and character you are satisfied, asks to marry your
daughter, agree to his request. If you do not do so, there will
be corruption and great evil on earth." (Tirmithi)
Before engaging in the search for a bride, the young man and his
parents should avoid certain things:
It is unlawful for a Muslim to marry a woman who is a mahram to
him. Also, he should not propose to a woman who is actually
married; a woman who is in her iddah (the waiting period of the
divorced or widowed woman); a woman whom another Muslim man has
already asked in marriage -unless she has already refused the
first or if he permits him-; a disbeliever, with the exception
of Jewish or Christian women; or a prostitute (unless she has
sincerely repented from it). It is also unlawful for a Muslim
woman to marry a non-Muslim man.
There are also steps a girl's father should take before agreeing
to the man's proposal. The father should at least:
Should make sure that the man who is asking to marry his
daughter is of sound religion, and is capable of supporting her.
Should seek his daughter's consent before accepting the offer of
the proposing man. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam,
said, "A woman who has been previously married has more right
concerning her person than her guardian, and a virgin's consent
must be asked about herself, her consent being her silence."
(Bukhari and Muslim)
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
It is permissible prior to proposal that the man sees the woman
he intends to marry. Jabir Ibn Abdullah, radhiallahu anhu said
concerning his wife, "(Before marrying her) I used to hide
behind a tree to see her." The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, said, "When one of you intends to marry a woman if he is
able to look at what would induce him to marry her he should do
so." (Abu Dawud)
There are, however, rules concerning seeing the woman, that they
both should respect:
The man's intention of marriage should be sincere. He should not
seek to meet the woman until he is satisfied about her other
attributes such as her deen, morality, and character, in such a
way that he is inclined to marry her, and looking at her is for
him the last step toward this decision.
He should first send a woman from his family whom he trusts, to
see the girl and describe her to him.
The girl's father should not allow the man proposing to her to
look at her unless he is completely satisfied with him.
The girl's father should not hide from the proposing man any
serious faults his daughter may have.
The man is allowed to see only the face and the hands of the
woman he intends to marry. If he wants specific information
about her physical appearance, he may send one of his mahram
women to inquire about it, and describe it to him. There is no
sin on him to look intently at her to confirm his desire to
marry her.
He does not have to ask her permission to look at her, it is
rather better that he does it without her knowledge if he can.
This way, if for any reason, he changes his mind this will not
hurt her feelings.
Even after the man and the woman accept each other for marriage
and thus are engaged, they should remember that they are still
considered strangers (non-mahram) to each other and that what is
unlawful to the non-mahram is unlawful to them. This especially
pertains to: looking at each other, being alone together, and
going out together. Their relation to each other changes only
after the marriage contract is executed.
WEDDING NIGHT & BEYOND
Both men and women alike look forward to no other day with more
anticipation, than their wedding day. And perhaps no night can
cause more joy, fear and anxiety than their wedding night. There
is, however, ways described by the Prophet of Allah, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, to help make the wedding night as pleasant as
the wedding day. There are desirable acts that the couple are
encouraged to do on their wedding night, as well as prohibited
acts, which they should avoid.
Desirable Acts
It is a desirable Sunnah that the groom puts his hands on the
bride's head and pray for her. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa
sallam, taught us to say, "O Allah, I ask You her goodness, and
the goodness of the inborn dispositions which You have given
her, and I solicit Your protection from her evil, and the evil
of the inborn dispositions which You have given her." (Abu Dawud
and Ibn Majah) The groom can make this supplication aloud or
silently.
It is also desirable that they make two raka'at of voluntary
salah together then invoke whatever supplication asking from
Allah what they wish for themselves. The Prophet, sallallahu
alayhe wa sallam, said, "Verily, affection is from Allah and
repugnance is from Satan who wants you to hate what Allah has
allowed to you. So when your wife comes to you, ask her to make
two raka'at with you and then say, 'O Allah, bless my wife for
me, and bless me for her. O Allah, unite between us in good, and
if You separate us, separate us in good." (Abu Shaybah)
The groom is encouraged to please his bride and treat her with
kindness. It is a sunnah that he presents to her something to
drink or to eat. Asmaa bint Yazeed, radhiallahu anha, said, "I
adorned Aisha, radhiallahu anha, for her wedding night, and the
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, came to her side and
brought a big cup of milk from which he drank and then presented
it to her, but she blushed and lowered her head." (Ahmad)
It is permissible that they take off all their clothes and be
completely naked but it is better for them to be under a common
sheet, for the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"Verily Allah is modest and discreet and He likes modesty and
discretion." (Ahmad, At-Tirmithi and Abu Dawud)
The couple is encouraged to engage in foreplay before having
intercourse. The Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
"One of you should not fall upon his wife like the way an animal
does, let there be a messenger between them." He was asked, "And
what is the messenger?" He replied, "Kissing and talking."
(Ad-Daylami) This indicates that the man should seek to satisfy
his wife's desires as she satisfies his.
Before starting intercourse, it is a sunnah to make the
following supplication, "In the name of Allah. O Allah, keep
Satan away from us, and keep Shaytan away from (the offspring)
that which You grant us." (Bukhari)
They are free to have intercourse in any position they wish, as
Allah, subhanahu wa ta 'ala, says, "Your wives are as a tilth
unto you, so approach your tilth when or how you wish." [2:223]
They are free to have intercourse any time they wish, but
moderation is advised and sexual activity should not become an
obsession as it may take over other activities of life. Having
intercourse on the night before Friday is desirable as the
Prophet said, "Whoever makes ghusl on Friday to clean himself
from janabah (i.e., after having intercourse), then left for
salah, it is as if he offered a camel in sacrifice." (Bukhari)
After intercourse, it is desirable that they take a bath (ghusl)
before going to sleep. If this presents a hardship on them they
should perform ablution (wudhu) and can postpone ghusl until
before Fajr salah. If they want to have intercourse a second
time, it is desirable that the man performs wudhu first. For the
Prophet said, "If one of you had intercourse with his wife and
then wants to come to her again, it is better for him to perform
wudhu, for it gives him vigor to come again." (Muslim)
Prohibited Acts the Couple Must Avoid
It is unlawful for them to speak to others about (or otherwise
mention) anything that happened between them in intimacy. The
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, "Among those who
will be in the worst position in Allah's sight on the Day of
Resurrection is the man who has intercourse with his wife, and
she with him, and then he spreads her secret." (Muslim)
It is strictly unlawful for the couple to engage in sodomy, as
the Prophet said, "Cursed is the one who comes to his wife in
her anus." (Ahmad and Abu Dawud) A man asked Ibn Abbas,
radhiallahu anhu, about one engaging in sodomy with his wife,
and Ibn Abbas said, "This man is asking me about kufr." The
Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam has even said, "Whoever has
intercourse [with his wife] during her menses, or commits sodomy
with her, or comes to a diviner, then he disbelieved in what was
revealed to Muhammad." (Tirmithi)
In spite of the fact that some pious women who are on the innate
nature, and refuse to comply, their husbands threaten to divorce
them if they do not obey them. Some men lie to their wives who
are shy to ask the religious scholars about this matter.
Concerning this act, they may tell them that it is allowed, and
might even present them a 'proof' from the Qur'an where Allah
ta'ala says, "Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your
tilth when and how you will." [2:223] But the sunnah of the
Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, clarifies what is
mentioned in the Qur'an, when he stated that the man is allowed
to approach his wife in any manner as long as it is in the place
of conception (i.e., the vagina). Among the causes of this crime
is to enter the pure marital life with filthy habits of
forbidden perverted acts inherited from the times of jahilyiah,
or with a memory full of pornographic scenes from movies that
some had watched and had not repented to Allah for them. It is
well known that this act is forbidden, even when both parties
agree on it.
It is forbidden for the husband to have intercourse with his
wife during her menstruation and childbirth bleeding, as Allah
says, "They ask you concerning menstruation. Say, that is a
harmful thing, therefore keep away from women during menses and
go not unto them till they are clean." [2:222] Therefore the
husband is not allowed to have intercourse with his wife until
she purifies herself by taking ghusl after her menstruation
stops, because Allah ta'ala says, "And when they have purified
themselves, then go in unto them as Allah has ordained for
you..." [2:222] The seriousness of this sin is such that that
the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, compared it to
disbelief.
If a person commits this sin out of ignorance of the rule of
Shari'ah, then there is no blame on him, but if he committed it
intentionally while he knew of the rule, then he should atone
for it. The atonement is either one Dinar or half a Dinar. Some
scholars say the man is free to choose between either sum of
money. Other scholars say he should pay one Dinar if he had
intercourse during the first days of menstruation when the
bleeding was heavy, and one half Dinar if it was in the last
days of menstruation when the bleeding was lighter, or before
she took a bath [ghusl]. The value of one Dinar is the value of
4.25 grams of gold, which he should give to charity.
The woman should not voluntarily fast before asking permission
from her husband, as this deprives him from having intercourse
with her. This of course excludes the obligatory fasting such as
Ramadhan, or when she has to make up for the days she did not
fast during Ramadhan.
The wife should not refuse to satisfy her husband's sexual need
without any legitimate excuse. Abu Hurairah, radhiallahu anhu,
narrated that the Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa sallam said,
"When the man invites his wife to his bed, but she refuses, and
so he spends the night being angry at her, then the angels will
curse her until the next morning." (Bukhari) Therefore, the wife
should hasten to answer her husband's call, complying to the
words of the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, "When the man
invites his wife to his bed she should satisfy him even if she
were on the camel's saddle." (Sahihul-Jami') On the other hand,
the husband must take into consideration his wife's disposition
if she falls sick or is pregnant, or is in grief, so that their
relation remains in harmony and to avoid any discord.
Article by, Alia Amer
Source > > http://www.zawaj.com
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