The Japanese have a game called janken, and you already know what it is. It�s rock, paper, scissors, and they�re crazy about it. Many countries seem to have something similar to rock, paper, scissors, but Japan's is exactly the same as ours, hand gestures and all (and the names even mean the same things). They�re nuts about this game and they use it to decide everything, from simple tie breakers, to the order in which members of a group participate in a class activity. And the get into it. Shouting, grimacing, hands to the head, and falling to the floor are all standard parts of many janken games, and that might be just deciding who gets to go first in the main game they�re playing. For added amusement (to me, the foreigner), it�s almost equally popular among adults. Unlike in America, where people tend to grow out of rock, paper, scissors as a means of deciding things by the time their 22 or so (or was that just me?), in Japan, it never really dies. I was sitting in the teachers� room one day, just doing my thing, when I overheard some teachers discussing something, and they apparently needed to decided who would have to do whatever (the details are a little sketchy here, I know, but my Japanese still isn�t that great, and the details don�t really matter). So, they ended with a quick game of janken, the man who lost grimaced and let his knees buckle appropriately, and that was it. Done. It�s amazing--janken has the final word, and nobody argues, no two-out-of-three, nothing.
This brings me to my latest revelation. I think America should take a similar stance toward �rock, paper, scissors� (RPS). I mean, this could revolutionize so many aspects of our life it�s almost unbelievable someone didn�t already come up with this. Let�s think about it for a minute or two. RPS could stand in for dozens, if not hundreds, of decision-making dilemmas, from arguements to sports to politics! Tell me, just tell me, you don�t want to see a bunch of big, burly football players take the field for the coin toss only to find it replaced with RPS. I�d watch more games, just for that. And what about all these election debacles that have caused us so much grief. Obviously, the most notorious is the presidential election of 2000 (did you know that the 2000 Almanac is the first not to include the president of the United States? They didn�t know yet when it went to press), but there�ve been others that have been sorted out in various, less ridiculous ways than that election. Still, wouldn�t it all just be easier if we defaulted to RPS? Whole new segments could be added to pre-game shows and campaign coverage alike! I can just imagine it,
�Well, Earl, as you know, this year�s Presidential election is certain to be a close one again. Both candidates are garnering a lot of support and record voter turnout is expected, to try and turn the tide in each candidate�s favor. That said, some estimates predict that the overall effect will be the same, and we may have to default to the newly implemented Rock, Paper, Scissors Factor. This is the most recent, and controversial, revolution in determining a national leader since letting the people decide for themselves, and it brings us to the newest element receiving attention on the campaign trail: I am of course talking about the RPS Quotient. Now, recent history shows that the Republican candidate tends to lean heavily on Rock. He has so far won a number of close campaigns, and mock-RPS Runs using the ubiquitous and generally-favored stone. But, this penchant for Rock is widely known, and could easily tip his opponent off, causing the Democratic candidate to shift his own Quotient more toward Paper. However, it stands to reason that Republicans have pointed out this potential Achilles Heel to their candidate, and I would propose a different solution for the Democrats: shift your attention to Rock. If the Republicans stick with their heretofore proven strategy, the worst-case scenario leaves you with a tie, and another bout. However, if they anticipate the obvious Democratic move to Paper, and thus shift their own attention to Scissors, we could see an upset to rival that of the infamous 2000 Presidential campaign.�
Now that�s riveting television (by today�s standards anyway). I mean, that has to at least give American Idol a run for it�s money. Or maybe the Powerball drawing. And you just know that the folks at ESPN are scratching their heads for something to add a few more precious minutes to the Superbowl pre-game coverage--this could do it, and Budweiser could add another gimmicky mock-football thing to it�s perennial Bud-Bowl.
So, Americans, let us unite in a common cause to save everyone a little stress (no more recounts, please?) and add one more crap �funny� thing to the already laughable comedy of errors that is modern American television. I mean really, why not? It�s better than another Fear Factor.