| Sarcastic Title for Pocahontas Spoof Scene 1: (We are in England at the harbor as a ship is about to set sail for the New World.) History Teacher: Ah, a nice film based on an actual historical event and its Disney so my kids should like it too. Sailors: We�re off to the New World to go kill some Indians and we might pick up some gold while we�re there. Wives: OK, dear, I�ll be waiting at home for whenever you decide to come back. (sniffle) (John Smith enters.) History Teacher: (after snarfing his beer) OMGWTF its Mel Gibson�playing John Smith�but-but he�s tall�and blonde and- Mel Smith: Pretty. I know. Isn�t it great? History Teacher: But John Smith was a short, fat guy with red hair in his forties. Mel Smith: Hey this is Disney. What did you expect? (He boards the ship. Then a carriage with three very strange passengers pulls up.) Fat Bitch: Salutations. I�m a fat bitch. I wear pigtails and a lot of purple. History Teacher: Dude�? Servant: I�m the Fat Bitch�s gay servant. Fat Bitch Dog: And I�m the fat bitch dog. Rat: And I�m a rat crawling on board this ship to show you that life was dirty back then! History Teacher: Well at least that�s historically accurate. But about the pigtail guy seriously dude�? Scene 2: (On board the ship during a storm.) Sailors: It�s a storm! We�re all going to die! Oh shit, The Wuss just fell off the boat. Mel Smith: Never fear, Mel Smith is here! I�ll save you! (He does so.) The Wuss: Thank you, Mr. Mel Smith sir. I want to be just like you. Mel Smith: (to the tune of Popular from Wicked) Well let�s start because you�ve got an awfully long way to go. The Wuss: � Mel Smith: Hey, here�s your hat. (Fat Bitch et al enter.) Fat Bitch: Are we all right up in here? Don�t worry we soon will be when we get to the new world and dig up all of our bling-bling. Right, fat bitch dog? Fat Bitch Dog: Damn straight, yo. Fat Bitch: Okay carry on men. (He exits.) Mel Smith: Okay that was completely pointless. History Teacher: Hey what�s with the random sailor that looks like Jesus? Scene 3: (Meanwhile, across the ocean Powhatan and his warriors are home from war.) Powhatan: Honey, I�m home! Indians: Woot! Powhatan: Where�s my daughter? Medicine Man: Oh she�s like her mom you know� Powhatan: No I don�t. Where is she? Medicine Man: Damned if I know. Scene 4: (Pocahontas is standing atop a cliff with a raccoon and a hummingbird.) History Teacher: Dude what the hell? There are no cliffs in Virginia! At least not near the coast! Best Friend: Pocahontas, you�re father�s home! (Pocahontas proceeds to jump off the cliff animals in tow.) History Teacher: The fuck? Does she not like her dad? Best Friend: Of course she does; why? History Teacher: Because she heard he was home and threw herself off a cliff. Best Friend: Oh we haven�t even gotten started yet. Wait until the ripples scene. History Teacher: Ripples? Best Friend: Yeah. Scene 5: (Pocahontas and her Best Friend return to the village to see her dad honor Kocuum for his brave fighting against another tribe.) History Teacher: But the Powhatans didn�t like to fight. They kept mostly to themselves. Best Friend: Oooh hotness at 12:00. Pocahontas: Eh. I�ve seen bigger. Best Friend: Hey baby! Let�s make out! Kocuum: (glares manfully) Pocahontas: Daddy! Powhatan: Where the hell have you been? We have lots of important things to talk about like�nothing. Pocahontas: Daddy I�ve been having this really weird dream recently- Powhatan: Oh yeah. Kocuum wants to marry you. Pocahontas: Why? Powhatan: Um, because you�re the chief�s daughter and that would work out really well for him. Pocahontas, I want you be steady like the river. Pocahontas: The river? Powhatan: We�re Indians we must use nature metaphors. I really want you to be steady and that�s really hard with you doing all that crack up there with Grandmother Willow. Pocahontas: Mommy did it too! Powhatan: Notice that we never explain how she died. Pocahontas: !! Powhatan: The wind, the water, the sky, the door, I�m out. Scene 6: (Pocahontas sings a song about the river on her way to meet her dealer Grandmother Willow.) Pocahontas: Hit me big time, baby. I really need it. My dad is home for, like, five seconds and he�s already planning my wedding. He also wants me to be steady like the river. I tried and its really hard. Grandmother Willow: Oh you poor thing. Let your heart guide you in life. Pocahontas: Thanks for that. That totally wasn�t a clich� or anything. Oooh, now I see leaves and sparkly things in the wind. Grandmother Willow: What�s it saying? Pocahontas: Strange clouds are coming. History Teacher: Those freaks at Disney really need to get out more. Scene 8: (The Englishmen come ashore in the new world.) Random men: OMG trees! Fat Bitch: Okay so I�ve claimed this land for King James so hopefully he�ll finally appreciate me more because I�m harboring this deep resentment that�s of no use to the plot whatsoever. So these dudes can build my fort and the rest of you get to dig up my bling! Gay Servant wash the fat bitch dog and Mel Smith go make sure there aren�t any Indians okay? Great, thanks! Mel Smith: (walks about ten feet away) Awwwwww, it�s a cute little raccoon that eats biscuits! Fat Bitch: I�m so glad we had you along with us to bond with raccoons. You�re really a big help. Mel Smith: Stop it, you�re embarrassing me. I will keep an eye out for Indians though. (He doesn�t notice the one hiding behind a bush right behind him.) Scene 9: (The Indians gather to discuss the strange white creatures on their shores.) Kocuum: Let�s go kick their asses! All in favor of having albino ravioli for dinner tonight raise your hand. Indians: Woot! Powhatan: Wait just one minizzle. Medicine man what do you see? Medicine Man: They�re stubborn bitches that wear lots of metal and think they own the world just because they�re British. History Teacher: Wow this guy�s good. Powhatan: Kocuum take some men down to where they�re staying to observe them. Kocuum: Then can we kill them? Powhatan: Maybe. Kocuum: Better than no. Scene 10: (Kocuum�s observations of the white men.) Notes: Pale as my mother�s ass in winter. Not that I look at my mother�s ass in winter but whatever. Hair on their faces as well as their heads. Have not built anything that resembles a shelter. Weird clothing. They like to dig lots of random holes apparently looking for something that they do not find. Led by a fat bitch in purple. Dude�? The fat bitch has one butt-ugly dog with him. They appear to have a different meaning of the word ambush. Now they�re going postal with their sticks that shoot fire. Oh, SHIT- Scene 11: (An Indian has been shot in the leg by a white man. The Medicine Man does not know how to treat this strange wound.) Powhatan: Okay now they�re going down. Medicine Man: Fo� shizzle. Kocuum: Yay! Powhatan: Kocuum, send a message to our brothers in the neighboring tribe. We need backup. Kocuum: Will do. This is going to be so much fun! Powhatan: You have issues. Scene 12: (After wandering around for possibly several hours Mel Smith stops at one of the many waterfalls in Virginia. Finally he notices the Indian that has been stalking him. He has his musket loaded ready to fire when suddenly the mist clears and he gets a good look at Pocahontas.) History Teacher: Oh my GOD. They�re not going to romanticize this. There was, like, a thirty year age difference between them in real life. And now the mist clears and they�re playing the Music of Impossible Love and- oh jeez� Mel Smith: Whoa. Break me off a piece of that. I didn�t know they had chicks over here. At least not hot ones. Pocahontas: (runs away) Mel Smith: (chasing her) No wait don�t run away! I want to talk to you! You�re fine, baby! We don�t have to talk at all if you don�t want to but for the love of God I�ve been on a boat for, like, six months! Have pity on the manhood here! Pocahontas: I don�t understand a word you�re saying. Are you coming on to me? Maybe if I let my heart guide me I�ll understand you. Disney Dude 1: That should take care of the whole language barrier thing, right? Disney Dude 2: Yeah pretty much. Mel Smith: I�m Mel Smith. What�s up with you? Pocahontas: I�m Pocahontas. I was getting a drink down at one of the many waterfalls in Virginia� History Teacher: (facepalm) Pocahontas:�then you showed up and chased me to my canoe. But let me show you around. This is a big tree. This is my hummingbird who has to be on some sort of medication to be acting like this and you�ve already met my raccoon. I�d take you to my village to meet my people but they�d spaz. Mel Smith: I wish I could take you to my village. There are huge buildings of wood and stone. We have cobblestone streets- History Teacher: That literally have shit in them. Mel Smith: and castles and pubs and jails and all sorts of cool stuff. Pocahontas: I�d like to see some of that stuff. Mel Smith: That�s cool because we�re going to build them here. Pocahontas: I said I�d like to see them. Not have them here. Can�t you send me a postcard or something? Mel Smith: Oh don�t worry our stuff is going to be so much better than those tee-pee things you guys have going on. Pocahontas: So basically our culture is barbaric because we�re not like you? Mel Smith: Yup. But you will be okay. Pocahontas: (sigh) I must sing to you to show you the error of your thinking. (She does so.) History Teacher: Nice try sweetie. Four hundred years later, people still think like that. You know, this movie could be considered really political� George Bush: OMG Pocahontas was a commy! Pocahontas: So Smithy take that to the bank. I�ve got to get going. The tribe is playing the Drums of Woe. Scene 14: (The warriors arrive.) Indian: Backup is on the way, ahoy! Kocuum: Now we can kick some major butt! Best Friend: So Pocahontas, anything new? Pocahontas: No. Best Friend: Mm-hmm. Come on, I�m not stupid. What�s up? Pocahontas: The sky? Best Friend: You�re hiding something. Pocahontas: I am not! (Mel Smith shows up.) Pocahontas: Well okay I was hiding one thing. Just keep quiet okay? Mel Smith: I�m so glad to see you again, Pocahontas! Best Friend: !! Mel Smith: Let�s get out of here! (They run off.) Best Friend: Don�t blame me if you end up being blown to smithereens by their Sticks of Doom! Kocuum: Where�s Pocahontas? Best Friend: I dunno. Scene 15: (In the Fat Bitch�s tent.) Fat Bitch: Alright, Gay Servant, who has my bling? Gay Servant: Maybe there isn�t any. Fat Bitch: Of course there is! The Spanish found some! Gay Servant: They were in Mexico. Fat Bitch: You know what? I bet those Indians have it. Gay Servant: What? Fat Bitch: Yup. They�re probably pimpin� with my bling right now. Go send two men to find Mel Smith. We need to negotiate the bling-nabbing. Gay Servant: (le sigh) Whatever. Scene 16: (Note to Mel Smith: Just say no.) Pocahontas: I want you to meet a friend of mine. Grandmother Willow: Welcome to the Love Shack, baby. Turn around, let me look at you. Nice ass. Not bad, Pocahontas, not bad. Mel Smith: Uh, Pocahontas, I think that tree is hitting on me. Pocahontas: Here have some crack, it will all make sense. Grandmother Willow: So Smithy, what�s your purpose in Virginia? Mel Smith: To dig up some bling. Pocahontas: What? Mel Smith: Bling. Gold. (Pulls a gold coin out of his pocket.) Like this. Pocahontas: If you had it in your pocket why did you come all the way out here looking for it? Mel Smith: Good question. Grandmother Willow: Man, I want some of what he�s been smoking. Pocahontas: Anyway, I haven�t seen anything like that around here. Will you leave? Mel Smith: Are you kidding? With the chicks and the drugs, this place is awesome! Grandmother Willow: Woot! Party over here! Pocahontas: Don�t do that. Englishmen: Smith! Where are you? Show yourself now please. This place is giving us the heebie-jeebies! (Grandmother Willow gives them a smack on the ass with her vines. You know, just because she can.) Englishmen: OMG we�ve been bitch-slapped by someone who�s not even there! Mommyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! Pocahontas: You better go. If you need me I�ll be getting high. You�ll understand. Scene 17: (Mel Smith shows up back at camp.) Fat Bitch: Smithy, there you are. New plan- Mel Smith: We had a plan? Fat Bitch: We are going to attack the Indians and steal our bling back since they stole it. Mel Smith: There is no gold. Fat Bitch: Oh yeah sure. Mel Smith: Dude, if there was gold there�d still be some left for us or we�d see it on them. That�s how the Spanish noticed the gold; the Indians were wearing it. History Teacher: THANK YOU! Mel Smith: Don�t mention it. Anyway, they wouldn�t go dig it all up and then hide it away somewhere so no one could see it. That totally defies all logic. Fat Bitch: Do I look like I�m educated? Or that I care? All I know is that I�m getting my bling and even if I don�t people are still going to die. Mwahaaaaaahaaaaahaaa! Mel Smith: You do what you want. I�m not going to be a part of this. (runs off) Fat Bitch: You there, Wuss, follow him and tell me what he�s up to when you get back. Shoot any Indians if you see them. Thanks! Scene 18: (Pocahontas and Mel Smith meet again in Grandmother Willow�s love shack.) Mel Smith: Bad news! My men are going to attack your people. Pocahontas: My people are going to attack too. That�s why the warriors from the neighboring village are here. Grandmother Willow: Well at least its mutual hatred and no one�s being oppressed. Mel Smith: I liked you better when you were hitting on me. Pocahontas: We have to stop them from fighting. Let�s go talk to my dad. Mel Smith: I don�t think that would work out too well. You heard the woman, I mean tree, its mutual hatred. They both want to fight and we can�t stop them. Grandmother Willow: Yes you can. Watch me as I dip my vine into the water. It makes ripples. Pocahontas: Ooh, ripples. Grandmother Willow: But someone has to start them. History Teacher: That is the freakiest shit I have ever seen. Mel Smith: It�s supposed to be a metaphor. Alright Pocahontas let�s go talk to your dad. Pocahontas: OMG I love you! Mel Smith: Or we can make out. (They do so. The Music of Impossible Love plays.) History Teacher: Get a room, or a tent or a tree or SOMETHING. They do realize the tree, the raccoon, the fat bitch dog and the hummingbird are all watching, right? (Apparently two other people were watching. Kocuum who was tipped off by the Best Friend and the Wuss by the Fat Bitch.) Kocuum: Raaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! (He attacks Mel Smith. Pocahontas makes a half-assed attempt to stop him.) The Wuss: Ready�aim�fire! (Kocuum falls over dead.) The Wuss: OMG it worked. History Teacher: Oh come on! Muskets didn�t aim that well! Mel Smith: Um, thanks Wuss but you�re seriously screwed right now. Pocahontas: Murder! Murder! Mel Smith: Go away, Wuss! (The Wuss runs away. The Indians show up and take Mel Smith away.) Mel Smith: This would be the part where you say I didn�t do it right? Pocahontas: Hey baby it was your idea to take the rap. Mel Smith: Maybe I should have run away too. Pocahontas: You think? Scene 19: (The Indians bring Mel Smith before Powhatan.) Indian: So Pocahontas runs out into the woods. Her best friend squeals to Kocuum who goes out to find her and then he sees this guy raping her. Then this guy kills Kocuum with his Stick of Doom which he has also made disappear. Powhatan: We got you now bitch. See this stick of doom? It has a rock on the end and first thing tomorrow morning it�s going to straight into your head. Mel Smith: Thanks for the visual. (The Indians lock Mel Smith up in a tent.) Pocahontas: Daddy- Powhatan: Don�t get me started on you until I�ve gotten my rage out. But let me just say that thanks to you your future husband got blown to smithereens by a Stick of Doom. (Powhatan goes to fume elsewhere.) Pocahontas: Oh this is all my fault! Best Friend: Yup. By the way I was the one who told on you. Pocahontas: Thanks a lot for your help. Best Friend: No problem. Hey, do you want to visit him? Pocahontas: Sure. Best Friend: Can Pocahontas go in that tent to see Mel Smith? Indians: Well we�re supposed to guard him but sure go ahead. (Pocahontas enters the tent. Mel Smith is tied to pole in the middle of it. The Music of Impossible Love and Impending Doom plays.) Pocahontas: So�this sucks. Mel Smith: Tell me about it. I have major rope burn on my wrists. Pocahontas: I was talking about you dying tomorrow. Mel Smith: Oh yeah that sucks too. I�ll never forget you. I�ll always be with you� Pocahontas: Ugh, enough with the clich�s already. (She leaves.) Best Friend: That was it? You guys aren�t going to sing a song or anything? The background music totally wanted you to. Pocahontas: Oh no we cut that one. Scene 20: (The war song �Savages� plays while the armies take a damn long time getting ready to attack.) Katy and Amanda: Snicker, snicker, CABBAGES, snicker, snicker, THUMBS OF WAR, snicker, snicker. (Meanwhile Pocahontas takes her problems to the tree.) Pocahontas: �and they�re going to kill Mel Smith today at dawn which should be coming up pretty soon. What should I do? Grandmother Willow: Oh, gee, I don�t know, how about STOP THEM! Pocahontas: You are so right! (She runs off.) Grandmother Willow: Stupid girl. You know, I practically raised her. You think she would have turned out better. Oh well. Scene 21: (The Indians are gathered on yet another of the many cliffs in Virginia while Powhatan prepares to send Mel Smith to la-la land. The Englishmen gather at the base to watch�or something.) Englishman: Anybody know why we�re just standing here watching Mel Smith get killed? Another Englishman: Nope. (Powhatan lifts the rock-stick thing and prepares to smack down when Pocahontas runs in with not a second to spare.) Pocahontas: Noooooooooooooooo!!! Powhatan: Um, sweetheart you�re kind of getting in the way of a war here. Pocahontas: I know. That�s what I meant to do. Why do we have to fight over cultural differences or our people getting attacked by Sticks of Doom? Why can�t we all just BE HAPPY? Powhatan: You know what? You�re right. Put the arrows down, boys. My bad. Mel Smith: (clears throat) Powhatan: Oh yeah free the albino. Hey, we forgive you for murdering Kocuum. He was kind of annoying actually. Just please don�t make out with my daughter where I can see you okay? Fat Bitch: Okay men take him down. Englishmen: What? Fat Bitch: The Indian leader dude. Clear shot. Take him down. Englishmen: But they don�t want to fight. Fat Bitch: Oh come on. You don�t believe that do you? Fine then, I�ll shoot him. (He does so but Mel Smith throws himself in the way and catches the bullet.) Mel Smith: Okay so Pocahontas saved my life for this? Damnit! Englishmen: OMG you shot Smith! Fat Bitch: But-but he jumped in front of him- Kind of Wuss: Why have we been listening to you? You�re nothing but a fat bitch. Put him in chains and gag him! History Teacher: Whoa kinky. You see it�s the quiet ones you always have to watch out for. Scene 22: (The ship is being readied to take Mel Smith back to England. The Fat Bitch is locked up with the cargo. Pocahontas and her entire tribe show up to say goodbye. To Mel Smith that is.) Mel Smith: (whining) Pocahontas, it hurts! I want my mommy! Pocahontas: Here, Grandmother Willow sent some pain medication. Take it. (He does so.) Mel Smith: WOO-HOO!! (Powhatan shows up.) Mel Smith: Boo! You whore! (cackles) Powhatan: The fuck, is wrong with you boy? Pocahontas: Oh don�t mind him Daddy. He just had some of Grandmother Willow�s pain medication. He�s gone. Powhatan: Lord. Have fun with this guy on a ship. Pocahontas: I�ll never forget you, Mel Smith! Mel Smith: Word, baby. Kind of Wuss: Okay so it�s me with sailors, a Fat Bitch in chains and Mel Smith on pain medication? Why me? History Teacher: Okay why can�t they make a movie out of that? I�d love to see the musical numbers for that one. (He doesn�t.) The end. |