| Nous Sommes Miserables
Act 1 Prologue Chain Gang: Prison sucks, Jesus sucks, your family sucks, life sucks and it�s not getting any better because you�re here until you die. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: �Well, that�s one way to open a musical. Javert: Hey! 24601! Audience: (checks lottery tickets) Jean Valjean: My name is Jean Valjean! Javert: I�m Javert, bitch. Your time is up and your parole�s begun. Jean Valjean: Yay, I�m free! Javert: No you�re not. You get a Yellow Ticket of Discrimination. Yellow Ticket of Discrimination: This man is Jean Valjean, a very dangerous criminal. He stole a loaf of bread and broke a window pane. If you are a baker and have breakable windows, be afraid. Be very afraid. Everybody else- please feel free to discriminate against, shortchange and treat this man unfairly in any way you see fit. Jean Valjean: WOE. Bishop: Hey I�m a man of God. You can shack up here for the night. Jean Valjean: Well Jesus may love you but you�re still an idiot. I steal your silverware! Gendarme 1: Oh snap. Gendarme 2: Hey Mr. Bishop we caught this dude with your silver and thought he stole it but he says that you gave it to him as a gift. Bishop: �yes, I did! I gave him my candlesticks too; I don�t know why he left them here. You can let him go. (to Jean Valjean) What better time than this to plug my Home Boy up in Heaven! Since I just saved your ass, I think it�s time to become Christian. Jean Valjean: He�s got a point. I have changed for the better and I will start a new, honest life! I tear up my Yellow Ticket of Discrimination! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Wait, you�re starting your new, honest life by doing something dishonest? At the End of the Day Fantine: Let�s see everyone�s here for Pay Day; this would be the perfect time to read my Top Secret Letter from the people looking after my Top Secret Daughter. Nosy Factory Chick: OMG you have a Top Secret Daughter! Oh, Mr. Foreman! Foreman: So you wouldn�t sleep with me but you had a kid off some other guy? You�re fired, whore! Fantine: WOE. I Dreamed a Dream Fantine: I had a dream that I could have sex before marriage without having to deal with the repercussions. But I got knocked up and my baby�s father disappeared. My life sucks. WOE. Lovely Ladies Whores: Come on, get �em while they�re hot! Sailors: (drool) Fantine: Okay, what am I doing here? Woman: Hey, I�ll take your locket for four francs. Fantine: For this piece of bling? Bitch, please. Woman: Fine, five. Fantine: Cheapskate. Creepy Woman: Ooooohhh, you have such pretty hair! OMG I�ll take it all! Fantine: Hands off the goldilocks, freakshow. Creepy Woman: I�ll give you ten francs for it. Fantine: Ten francs? That settles a debt. To hell with my hair. But alas I still owe more money. I have to become a whore. Fantine�s Arrest Sleazy Guy: Oh, I haven�t seen you before! And they say variety is the spice of life. The usual price I assume? Fantine: Ewwwww, I don�t want you; you probably have hepatitis! Skeezy Guy: OMGWTF it�s not your place to choose! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Um, he has a point sweetie� Sleazy Guy: It�s the same at the grocery store! I like to squeeze the melons to see if they�re ripe before I buy them! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: I TOTALLY DIDN�T SAY ANYTHING! Fantine: (Jumps on the sleazy guy and claws him like a wildcat) Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Hit him with the chair! Sleazy Guy: OMG I�m telling! Help, police! Javert: �Sup. Sleazy Guy: I was just minding my own business, crossing from the park- Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: They have a park across the street from Whoreville? Sleazy Guy: -and this whore just attacked me with her Claws of Doom. See? I�m bleeding! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Wuss. Javert: We have strict laws about whores clawing people. She will answer for her actions in court. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: She�s going to court for clawing someone? Dude, my cat would be in jail! Fantine: Please don�t arrest me! I have a kid that I have to take care of! Javert: Sure you do. Fantine: No, seriously- Jean Valjean: Hey Javert I think she�s telling the truth. Javert: Oh I got this one, Monsieur Mayor. Audience: WTF? Jean Valjean: I�m undercover as a mayor. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Doesn�t undercover involve being on the down low? Jean Valjean: � Fantine: Why are you trying to help me? You let your foreman fire me! Jean Valjean: OMG this is all my fault! Fantine: Well, actually� Jean Valjean: I must help you! Javert, she can�t go to jail. She needs to go to a hospital; she�s sick. Fantine: I am? Audience: She is? Javert: (whining) But Monsieur Mayor, I want to arrest something! Jean Valjean: Arrest yourself, ass. Runaway Cart of Doom Runaway Cart of Doom: Woe unto thee! I am the merciless Runaway Cart of Doom! I am without mercy! I pin you with my wheels of death, Monsieur Fauchelevant! Monsieur Fauchelevant: &@!#$ Onlookers: Oh the poor thing. Sucks for him. Jean Valjean: Aren�t you guys going to DO SOMETHING?! Onlookers: � Jean Valjean: Fine. Screw y�all, I�ll save him myself! Onlookers: Don�t go near him, Monsieur Mayor! You might get trapped too! We might actually care! Jean Valjean: (lifts the cart off Monsieur Fauchelevent because he has strength like a beast.) Monsieur Fauchelevant: Oh Monsieur Mayor! I gravel at your feet! Jean Valjean: It�s not gravel; it�s grovel. Javert: Wow. You�re really strong. Jean Valjean: Yeah. I�m a beast. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: BEAST. Javert: Especially for someone so old. Jean Valjean: �thanks? Javert: You know, I only know of one other man who has strength like you do. His name is Jean Valjean. Jean Valjean: Huh. Really? Javert: Yeah. He�s a convict from the chain gang- Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: That sounds like the name of a metal band. Javert: -he broke his parole and has been on the run for ten years. Jean Valjean: You don�t say? I wonder what happened to him. Javert: Oh we caught the bitch. Jean Valjean: You did? Javert: Yup. He appears in court today. Of course, he pretends not to know what we�re talking about but he�s a thief, you know. Jean Valjean: He appears not to know what you�re talking about? Are you sure you have the right man? I mean, who knows, I could be Jean Valjean. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Be more obvious why don�t you. Javert: No we have the right one. I�m positive. Who Am I? Jean Valjean: You know, this could work out real nicely. Now that they have a Jean Valjean in jail I won�t have to worry anymore! God: (clears throat) Jean Valjean: Oh, FINE. (to the court) I am Jean Valjean! See, I have my prison number tattooed on my chest! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Dude, that�s hardcore. Come to Me (Fantine�s Death) Fantine: (is delirious) Cosette, it�s time to come in! It�s getting late! Alternate Universe Cosette: Aw, Mom! Five more minutes! Jean Valjean: Fantine, we don�t have much time until you croak so let me just say- Fantine: Look, Monsieur, at all the kiddies playing! Jean Valjean: �um, yeah. Anyway, I�ll raise Cosette for you. How I�ll do that in jail, I don�t know but I�ll find a way. Fantine: Thank you so much. You�re a saint! Jean Valjean: Tell me about it. Fantine: (dies from�something.) The Confrontation Javert: Excuse me, Monsieur Mayor- oh wait I mean Jean Valjean. You�ll be wearing a different chain now. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: You�re enjoying this too much. Jean Valjean: Wait just one minizzle. I promised this woman her child would live in my protection. Give me three days, at least. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: You�re going to raise her kid in three days? Javert: What do you take me for? A fool? Do you really think I�m going to let you go gallivanting off somewhere when you�re supposed to be in jail? Jean Valjean: I�ll come back! Javert: Oh yeah, sure. This isn�t a negotiation. You have no rights, bitch. You�re coming with me. Jean Valjean: Like hell I am. (breaks off the leg of a table like a beast) Now it�s on. (They fight and Jean Valjean wins because he is a beast. He escapes.) Castle on a Cloud Little Cosette: I am a poor abused child that has to do all the cleaning while the other girl gets spoiled. WOE. Cinderella: Poser! Madame Thenardier: I saw that! Little Cosette: What? Madame Thenardier: You were thinking about being naughty weren�t you? Go get some water from the well in the wood you weasel-faced child! Little Cosette: No! Not in the middle of the night! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: First of all why is the well in the middle of the wood and why do you need water in the middle of the night? Madame Thenardier: Go get that water! Don�t make me come over there! Don�t make me get the hose! Little Eponine: (pushes Little Cosette out) Master of the House Thenardier: I run this inn and I like to call myself Master of the House! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Heh. He said Master. Thenardier: I rip my customers off and steal from them. As for the food I use various animal organs and grind up a bunch of shit to put in the meat. Cary Academy Cafeteria people: (take notes) Thenardier: Yay! I�m Master of the House! Madame Thenardier: What was I on when I married him? Waltz of Treachery Jean Valjean: I found this child wandering alone in the woods in the middle of the night! Did you two know anything about this? Thenardiers: No, of course not! We had NO idea! Jean Valjean: BTW, Fantine croaked. I�ll be Cosette�s father now. Thenardiers: Aren�t you going to pay us off? Jean Valjean: You want money for a kid? Don�t you have any morals? Thenardiers: Um�no. Jean Valjean: (sigh) Here�s fifty francs; have a party. Cosette, let�s make like a banana and split. Look Down Poor People: We beg! We starve! We freeze! Gavroche: Bienvenue a la Paris ghetto! Let me show you around! We have whores! Whore: (whores) Gavroche: We have crazy old ladies! Crazy Old Lady: OMG that whore is in my spot. That is MY spot! Gavroche: And we have a criminal gang that robs people. Thenardiers: Yo. Gavroche: FYI, according to the book they lost their inn so that�s why they�re on the street. But the musical doesn�t tell you that. Madame Thenardier: What are these schoolboys doing up in here? Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Really. Marius: Hey, what�s up, Eponine! Eponine: (is grown up) Nothin� much. You have books! I could have been a student too if, you know, if my family had money. But don�t think I�m stupid. I know a lot of things! Marius: Yeah, but they don�t write books about the things you know. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Ouch. Eponine: I love your hair, Marius. Marius: You�re so funny, Eponine! Eponine: Dude, do I need subtitles or something? The Robbery Thenardier: I smell rich people! Break out the waterworks, Eponine! Eponine: Go away, Marius. I don�t want you to see me be a bad girl! Marius: Did I miss something? Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: You miss a lot. Eponine: Go. Scram. Marius: Why? Eponine, what�s going on? (bumps into Cosette who is also grown up) Oh, sorry about th- DAMN! You fine, baby! Thenardier: (to Jean Valjean) Please, monsieur, please give me money that I�m totally going to use for honorable reasons! Wait a sec, you�re the guy that borrowed Cosette! Jean Valjean: Um, I didn�t borrow her. I wasn�t planning on giving her back. Thenardier: (rips open Jean Valjean�s shirt to reveal the numbers on his chest) Jean Valjean: What the fuck is wrong with you? Eponine: It�s Javert! Run away, run away! Jean Valjean: OMG WTF BBQ! (grabs Cosette and runs) Javert : Another fight in the ghetto, what a surprise. Where did the other guy go? Thenardier: Oh he ran off. Probably because he�s a CONVICT. I saw the numbers on his chest. Since I helped, can I go free of charge? Stars Javert: Yeah whatever since apparently the only purpose of my life is to find Jean Valjean. Dear God, please help me find him. Amen. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Dude, get a hobby. Eponine�s Errand Eponine: Cosette! Now I remember! That pretty, rich girl in the square was Cosette! Talk about role reversal. Marius: Eponine, who was that foxy lady? Eponine: I dunno. Marius: Find her for me! Eponine: How can I find her if I don�t know who she is? Marius: I�ll pay you. Eponine: Accepting money to stalk someone? I am simply not that kind of a girl! But what the hell, I�ll find her. Marius: Just keep in mind that I�ll be consumed with teh angst until you find her. Eponine: Yeah, well I�ve got some angst of my own, not that you CARE. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: ANGST. Red and Black Enjolras: Behold, my friends! The time to rebel for the poor people is coming! But not yet. We�re waiting for a sign. I can�t tell you what it is but you�ll know because it�ll be a sign. Marius, you�re late. Marius: OMG you guys, I was hanging out in the ghetto with Eponine when I bumped into this chick. Literally. But man was she HOT! I mean TOTALLY HOT! Which is why it sucks that I don�t know who she is. Grantaire: It has hormones! Thank God, I was starting to worry about you there, buddy. Here, have some wine. Joly: Oh sure, give it alcohol while it�s in heat, go ahead. Enjolras: ANYWAY, we�re waiting for a sign. But I�m the leader so it�s only a sign if I say it is. Marius: No seriously, you guys she was so beautiful and I have no idea who she is or where she lives! Enjolras: Um, Marius, we kind of have more important issues and don�t really care about your daytime soap opera so STFU. Gavroche: Yo. Enjolras: Feuilly, do we have the guns we need? Gavroche: YO! Lamarque kicked the bucket. Enjolras: That�s the sign! I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes; I saw the sign! Marius: (pines) Do You Hear the People Sing? Students: We revolt for the poor people! Poor People: You do that. We�ll just chill here. In My Life Cosette: Alas, this is my sexual awakening as a teenager and it is very confusing. Jean Valjean: Cosette, you�re such a lonely child. Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Gee, you�re nice. Jean Valjean: I feel bad that you only have me to hang out with. Cosette: Yeah, that sucks. How about you tell me about my early childhood? Jean Valjean: I�ll be inside. Marius: Thanks for showing the way here, Eponine. Eponine: Why am I doing this again? Oh yes because I love you even though you don�t feel the same way about me. Hell, you don�t even know. WOE. A Heart Full of Love Marius: OMG I love you! Oh wait, I don�t know your name yet. Cosette: I think I love you too. Marius: Will you tell me your name? My name is Marius Pontmercy. Cosette: Mine�s Cosette. Marius: Is there a last name that goes with that? Cosette: � Marius: Apparently not. Oh well, I love you anyway. Eponine: I have a last name! It�s Thenardier! Marius and Cosette: (love) Eponine: (mourns) Attack on Rue Plumet Thenardier: This must be his house. You know about ten years ago he came and took away this girl Cosette who we were looking after; we were totally using her as our bitch. And now she�s gone. That must be the root of all of our financial problems so this is payback and- Brujon: Dude, we don�t care. We�re just here for the loot. Eponine: Oh no! I can�t let them rob this house. Marius might think I�m involved and he won�t like me then! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: And people could get hurt. Eponine: Oh yeah, that too. Thenardier: Who is this chick? Claquesous: Don�t you recognize your own kid? It�s Eponine! Thenardier: Oh that�s right. Eponine get out of here. Eponine: Daddy, if you try to rob this house I will scream and warn everybody here! Thenardier: You better not! Eponine: I�m gonna scream! Thenardier: Don�t scream! Eponine: I�m gonna scream! Thenardier: Don�t scream! Eponine: I�m gonna scream! Thenardier: Don�t scream! Eponine: (screams) Thenardier: Oh SHIT. Thenardier�s Gang: Run away, run away! Marius: Hey, nice going, �Ponine! Eponine: Yeah, whatever. One Day More Jean Valjean: Cosette, what was that screaming sound? Cosette: That was me, Daddy. I saw three men lurking in the shadows and they scared me because besides you and Marius, I�ve never seen men before. Jean Valjean: Must be Javert! Looks like we have to move again! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Javert wouldn�t lurk in the shadows. He�d show up at the front door and say �Come with me, bitch.� Jean Valjean: Tomorrow we go to Calais and then across the sea! French People: No! Not England! Marius and Cosette: Tomorrow we may never see each other again. Eponine: Tomorrow he still won�t know I�m alive! Students: Tomorrow we revolt for the poor people! Javert: Tomorrow I join the students as a spy to sabotage them! See, I do have a life! Thenardiers: Tomorrow we�ll still be jerks. Cast of Les Mis: Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow! You�re only a day- Audience: Wrong musical. Cast of Les Mis: Oh whoops. One day more! Act 2 Upon These Stones (Building the Barricade) Enjolras: Okay, you guys build the barricade! Chop, chop! Marius: Hey Eponine, you�re a cross dresser now? Eponine: I�m putting myself in mortal peril because I want to be with you! Marius: Well don�t. Take this letter to Cosette, plzkthnx. Eponine: Wow. You are really slow, aren�t you? The Letter Eponine: I have a letter for your daughter Cosette, Monsieur. Jean Valjean: I�ll take it, my boy. Eponine: For Cosette. Jean Valjean: She�ll get it after I read it because I�m nosy that way. Eponine: Whatever. Jean Valjean: (reading) Dear Cosette, I can�t believe we�ve only known each other for a day! I really hope I don�t die at the barricades because I�ve got a girlfriend now. Hopefully I�ll be home for Christmas. Pray for me? I�ll need it. Your pookie, Marius. On My Own Eponine: Now I�m all alone and Marius still doesn�t love me. My life sucks. WOE. Upon These Stones (At the Barricade) Students: We rebel! Huzzah! Javert: (in disguise) So I checked out the other guys camp. They�re loaded, y�all. Enjolras: Damn, we�re in a tight spot! Grantaire: Hey, who elected you leader of this outfit? Javert: ANYWAY, they�re not attacking tonight. Starve us out, you know. Gavroche: Liar, liar, pants on fire! This guy�s Inspector Javert, y�all. You know, a SPY. Jean Prouvaire: Oh, snap. Grantaire: Way to go, Idaho! Wait, Idaho? No, you da ho. Feuilly: Let�s shoot him! Enjolras: No, let�s tie him up and leave him over there for ensuing plot points. A Little Fall of Rain Joly: Look, a boy�s climbing the barricade! Eponine: Dude, I�m a girl. Marius: OMG Eponine you�re bleeding! You were shot! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Funny, I didn�t hear any gunshots. Eponine: Monsieur Marius, can I die on you as a last wish sort of thing? Marius: Um, sure. Eponine: (sings) I died in your arms tonight. Marius: (pets) Eponine: (dies) Marius: OMG she was in love with me! Audience: (rolls eyes) Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: (bawls) Marius: (tear) Enjolras: Suck it up, man. We�ll fight in her name. Night of Angst Jean Valjean: Hey guys, I�m a volunteer. Enjolras: Really? Our last volunteer was kind of a disappointment to us. (points to Javert who is all tied up.) Jean Valjean: I�m not a spy! Courfeyrac: You�re pretty old. Jean Valjean: Yeah, but I�m a beast. Lookout: They�re attacking! Enjolras: No time to talk, here�s a gun but if you shoot us in the back you�ll never live to tell. Jean Valjean: Wouldn�t it be the other way around? Oh well. (shoots a guy aiming at Enjolras) Attacking Army: (leaves) Grantaire: OMG we won! Joly: Woot! Enjolras: They�re coming back, idiots. (to Jean Valjean) Thanks for that, man. Now I�ll get to live about six more hours! Is there something I can do to repay you? Jean Valjean: Yeah, let me take care of that spy, Javert. Javert: Oh shit. Enjolras: Sure, whatever. Jean Valjean: (to Javert) What are you doing here? Javert: I�m omnipresent, bitch. Go ahead, kill me, you beast. Jean Valjean: I�m not going to kill you. Javert: WTFshit? Jean Valjean: You�re free. Javert: And I suppose you want me to stop stalking you in exchange? Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: That�s a good idea. Jean Valjean: No. You can go. There are no conditions. Javert: You realize I�m going to come after you then? Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Dude, GET A LIFE!! Jean Valjean: Go. Run. Be free. Now! Before I realize I�m being stupid! Javert: (runs) Drink With Me Enjolras: Okay guys they�re probably not going to attack until tomorrow but just in case, we can�t go to sleep. Courfeyrac: What do we do now? Enjolras: Get drunk. Grantaire: That�s what I�m talking about! Marius: Cosette, I miss you even though I just saw you yesterday and you weren�t the one that just died on me today. I really hope I don�t die because�that would suck. Bring Him Home Jean Valjean: Dear God, I know you�ve had your hands full with me over the years but this is the last thing, I swear. God: It�s not nice to swear. Jean Valjean: Whatever. Please take care of Marius. He�s like the son I never had even though I�ve only known him for about ten minutes. So please don�t let him die. God: What about the others? Jean Valjean: � God: Okay then, suit yourself. Dawn of Angst Enjolras: Okay, we have no back up so the women and fathers of children can leave. Feuilly: You realize we are so fucked right now. Enjolras: Whatever. We still have wine. The Second Attack (Death of Gavroche) Feuilly: Hey Enjolras, we don�t have enough bullets. Marius: I can go into the street and collect used ones. Enjolras: No! Not you! I don�t want you to get hurt! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: OTP! Jean Valjean: Hey I�m an old fart I can get them and if I die no one will care! Gavroche: No you need someone small and quick. I�ll do it! Lesgles: Gavroche don�t do that. Get down please. No honey. Listen to me. Get down. Now. Gavroche: (gets shot and dies) Audience: They did NOT just kill off the cute little kid! What is wrong with you people?! The Final Battle Army Dude: (with megaphone) Hey you guys, we really don�t want to do this because you have no chance and The Price is Right is on so can you just give up? Enjolras: What are you scared? Army Dude: You realize you�re basically committing suicide. Combeferre: Bring it! Army Dude: Are you sure? Courfeyrac: We�re sure that we�re gonna make your life a living hell! Army Dude: Fine, fine. If someone asks, this is totally not our fault. Guns: (fire) Marius: (gets wounded in the first thirty seconds) Everyone except Marius and Jean Valjean: (dies) Jean Valjean: Wait a minute, I was the only one who had no qualms about dying and I�m the one that escapes without a scratch? Do you think this is funny? God: Hey man, you only prayed to me about Marius and he�s still alive. You might want to save him. The Sewers- Dog Eats Dog Jean Valjean: (is carrying Marius over his shoulders like a beast. Collapses because he�s not quite as beastly as we thought.) Thenardier: I have no morals! I have no honor! I have no hygiene! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: You have no toothpaste! Thenardier: I rob corpses! (is standing over Marius) I will take this ring for future blackmailing! Jean Valjean: (wakes up and picks up Marius again) Javert: Oh snap. Jean Valjean: You again? Javert: I told you I was omnipresent. Jean Valjean: Please, this man is close to dying! I must save him! Javert: What are you Mother Theresa? You are coming with me! NOW! Jean Valjean: You can�t just let him die! He didn�t do anything wrong. Javert: Fine, take him away- WAIT, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?! Javert�s Suicide Javert: I don�t understand this concept of mercy! Apparently it�s infectious! I throw myself off a bridge in despair! Turning Women: Wow. All the schoolboys died. That is SO depressing. Audience: Yeah, we know. Empty Chairs at Empty Tables Marius: Wow. All my friends died. That is SO depressing. Audience: We KNOW. Every Day Cosette: You�re getting so much better, Marius! Marius: How did I get here from the barricades? Cosette: Let�s see, my father is the only besides you who survived and he�s here. I really don�t know! But we have each other! I still love you! Marius: You still don�t have a last name! Marius and Cosette: (love) Jean Valjean: Butterfly kisses and bedtime prayer� Cosette: (leaves) Valjean�s Confession Jean Valjean: Can I tell you a secret, Marius? Marius: Sure, go ahead. Jean Valjean: I�m a released convict who broke parole to raise Cosette and I�ve been on the run from the law for almost twenty years. Now I have to go away. Please don�t tell Cosette the truth, she�d be SO ashamed. Tell her I went on a long trip. Marius: She�s not that stupid. Jean Valjean: Tell her something. The Wedding Chorale Cosette: Wow, Marius, since all your friends died and I�ve always been a recluse it�s a wonder there are so many people at our wedding! Marius: Yeah, that�s really weird. Thenardiers: Oh Marius, we would like to blackmail you with your own ring we found in the sewers the night the barricades fell. We saw your bride�s father carrying a dead body on his back! Marius: That must have been me! OMG Jean Valjean was the one that saved me! You two are liars just out for money! Audience: (rolls eyes) Cosette: Wow, he is really slow. Why did I marry him again? Marius: (punches Thenardier) Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: (applauds) Beggars at the Feast Thenardiers: We have no morals! We have no honor! We have no hygiene! Tomorrow we�ll still be jerks! And DAMN is it fun! Finale Jean Valjean: Dear God, I�d like to die now, plzkthnx. Ghost of Fantine: Thanks for raising my kid; just five more minutes okay? Cosette: OMG Daddy, Marius told me everything even though you told him not to! Jean Valjean: Am I forgiven? Cosette: Duh! Marius: Please forgive me for being so slow and not realizing that you saved my life. Cosette, your father is a beast. He carried me like a baby all the way from the barricades! Audrey, Lady of Sarcasm: Um, he had you over his shoulders. Who carries babies like that? Jean Valjean: Now Cosette, you may learn about your abused childhood! Cosette: Finally! Ghosts of Fantine, Eponine and Everyone Who Died on the Barricade: (to Jean Valjean) Let us escort you to heaven. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. |