| Divas, Monkeys and Phantoms, oh my! Scene 1 (In the ruins of the Opera Populaire where an auction is being held in 1919. Two servants wheel in le Vicomte de Chagny in a wheelchair. Another servant enters carrying a jar with the ashes of Madame Giry.) Auctioneer: Lot 664, a pair of underwear that was actually worn by the so-called Phantom of the Opera. Let�s start the bidding at five francs. (The underwear is sold to a group of Phantom Phangirls.) Old Raoul: Ha! Erik wore tightey-whities! That fag! No wonder Christine married me. Wait- did I give something away? Auctioneer: Lot 665, a music box with a really demonic monkey attached to it. Let�s start the bidding- Old Raoul: That is so my monkey! Five francs! Madame Giry Jar: Oh no he didn�t! That tub of lard on wheels did not just bid on my monkey! Ten francs! Old Raoul: Hey, I used to be pretty- I mean sexy. Fifteen! Madame Giry Jar: Well even though we are supposedly in France, I�m the only one who speaks French! Vingt! Old Raoul: Shit. Um, thirty in French. Madame Giry Jar: Look, that thing is so demonic it would give you a heart attack and you would die. As for me, well I�m already dead! Old Raoul: Why do you need a monkey? You�re in a freaking jar bitch! Madame Giry Jar: Point taken. Auctioneer: And the Vicomte de Chagny gets the creepy-ass monkey music box thing. Next up, the broken chandelier of death. This is ironically Lot 666. Can I get a collective groan from the audience at this horrible pun? (He does. We are then transported back to 1870 with some really cool cinematography and some demonic masks.) Scene 2 (We are at the Opera Populaire. The new managers with really bad hair get out of a carriage holding hands.) Andre: Welcome to the Opera Populaire in Frengland, sweetie. Firmin: Frengland, dear? Andre: Yes of course, muffin. It�s France but everyone has British accents! Firmin: Oh I see. (They go inside. The cast of the Opera is rehearsing. Actually, they�re standing around while Carlotta talks on her cell phone. Throughout her conversation there are random shots of a midget making weird faces. Verne Troyer gets ready to file a lawsuit if the midget ever decides to go �Eee! Eee!�) Carlotta: That�s what I said, a low-carb Big Mac. (Pause while the person on the other end tells her there is no such thing especially in 1870.) Fuck you. (To the woman holding her dog.) You, go fire my publicist. Woman holding dog: I am your publicist. Carlotta: Well then fire yourself. Firmin: (clears throat) Um, I hate to interrupt since you all seem to be very busy rehearsing but my darling Andre and I are your new managers. Lefevre wants you to know he will be in Casablanca not accepting your calls. Andre: We are so happy to be here! The Opera Populaire is just spiffy! Firmin: Calm down, love. We�d also like to introduce our new patron le Vicomte de Chagny. (The young, pretty Raoul enters. The Phantom, who is furtively lurking nearby swishing his cape, begins collecting rat fat for his newest voodoo doll.) Raoul: Hey everybody. I�m an American in Paris! (Nobody laughs.) Raoul: Actually, I�m really happy to be the new patron at the Opera Populaire. (He pronounces this with a really bad American accent and will continue to do this to all the French words throughout the movie.) Raoul: And before you guys get any crazy ideas I want you to know that I am prettier than everyone in this room except perhaps Christine who I haven�t noticed yet. Meg Giry: What about me? Raoul: Well, you have big boobs but I have better hair. Anyways, I�m out. (He exits. A sound clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is played.) Galahad: What a strange person! Madame Giry: (to the managers) I just received an email from the Opera Ghost. Firmin: Opera what? Madame Giry: Meg, you have a line. Meg Giry: Oh yeah. (gasps) It�s him. The Phantom of the Opera. Madame Giry: He instructs you to leave Box Five empty for his use and to remember to pay him twenty thousand francs a month to buy for more candles for his secret lair. Andre: Say what now? Twenty thousand francs? Firmin: Hey this is Frengland. Why do you have a French accent? Madame Giry: I�m an illegal immigrant. Audience: Hey, does this have to get political? George Bush: Everything�s political! (Another Monty Python clip is played.) God: Get on with it! Madame Giry: Lastly, he asks you not to remove the surveillance cameras placed at various angles around Christine�s dressing room. Andre: Um�ew. Carlotta: Hey, no one placed surveillance cameras in my dressing room! Since you�re all ignoring me I might as well just leave. Bring my doggy and my posse. Bye, bye, I really mean it! I�m walking out the door! See, this is me, walking out the door! Madame Giry: Don�t trip, honey. Now Christine can sing in her place. Christine: Um, okay. (She does. The crowd goes wild. Madame Giry notices that the Opera�s special effects crew is not doing anything.) Madame Giry: (whacking them with her cane) Get to work! (They push a random cloud across the stage to make it look like they�re doing something. Raoul is watching Christine from the Phantom�s box.) Phantom: (lurking and cape swishing as usual) Dude, what the fuck? Raoul: Can it be? Can it be Christine? Phantom: Naw, shit. And she�s mine damnit. (Raoul doesn�t hear this and runs off to meet Christine in her dressing room. The Phantom rushes off to lurk behind the mirror and swish his cape.) Scene 3: Raoul: Knock, knock. Christine: Who�s there? Raoul: (tosses hair) Me. Aren�t I pretty- I mean sexy? Christine: Um, sure. It�s good to see you again. Raoul: I know. Let�s go out for supper. Christine: I can�t. My curfew is 9. Raoul: Says who? Christine: Says the Phantom. His name is Erik but no one ever calls him that. Raoul: (looks around) Phantom? I don�t see a phantom. Phantom: Key word- phantom. Raoul: I�ll go get my carriage to take us out. Get changed for supper. (Raoul exits) Christine: Actually I think I�ll put on the obligatory corset and turn off the lights and wait to be corrupted. Phantom: Thank God. Christine, come with me to my lair. Christine: Okay! Scene 4: (The title song plays.) Christine: I love 80s music! Phantom: Me too. I have David Bowie on my Ipod. Christine: Do you stalk him too? Phantom: You know it. He calls me Don Juan. (The horse, C�sar, from the book makes his obligatory cameo for about five seconds. Christine is then escorted to the lair via gondola.) Scene 5: Phantom: Do you know why I brought you here? Christine: To study my face for another life-size Christine doll? By the way, that is just freaky. I�m going to faint soon. Phantom: I brought you here for the betterment of my music. Christine: Oh is that what they�re calling it these days? (She faints. The Phantom catches her and carries her to the Turkey bed.) Scene 6: (Christine wakes up to the music of the demonic monkey music box thing.) Christine: Now that is something you don�t want to see when you wake up in the morning. (She climbs out of the Turkey bed and sees the Phantom.) Christine: That is. (The Phantom is writing a menacing note to Carlotta.) Phantom: (writing) If you try to return to the Opera House and take Christine Daa�s place I will take your doggie and shove it up your- Christine: Good morning! Phantom: Evening. It is always night here. Christine: So can I, like, take your mask off? Phantom: � Christine: I guess that�s a yes. (She takes it off.) Phantom: You bitch! Slut, whore, transvestite! Any other insult that can apply to women in corsets! Now you can never be free! (He swishes his cape at her.) Christine: And that�s bad? Phantom: Work with me here. I�m supposed to hideous but I�m the sexiest horribly disfigured person you�ve ever seen. Yes not letting you go is bad. I�m going to bring you back now. Christine: But you just said I could never be free. Phantom: Details, details� Scene 7: (The Phantom postal service has been at work.) Andre: Darling, you cannot possibly pay someone that doesn�t exist. And why does this person seems obsessed with Christine? Firmin: Someone thinks they�re being funny. Well I am somewhat less than amused. Carlotta: I think Mr. Hanson Ancestor did it. We all know he�s sleeping with her. My spy network told me Little Lotte is his sex name for her. Raoul: The outrage! (tosses hair) I am simply not that kind of a boy. I think it was the butler. Andre: Why? Raoul: It�s always the butler! Andre: We don�t have a butler. Raoul: Oh. Firmin: Whatever. Carlotta you can have the lead tonight. The people outside are so happy to see you! (He opens the door.) Crowd: (Chanting) Christine! Christine! (Closes door.) Firmin: Never mind. Person working at theater: Hey where should I set up the Christine Daa� merchandise stand? Firmin: The what? Person working at theater: The merchandise stand you told me to set up. Firmin: That wasn�t me. That was my evil twin. Carlotta will you perform for us? Carlotta: On one condition- you drink champagne out of my shoe? Everybody: What the fuck? Scene 8 (The opera puts on a production of Il Muto and ignores the Phantom�s demands. The Phantom skulks to his box and notices that Raoul is once again there.) Phantom: Why are you always in my box? (Raoul doesn�t hear him. He�s too busy wondering why he�s so turned on by seeing Christine dressed as a guy. The Phantom darts to one of his secret passage ways to grab his voice throwing megaphone. Unbeknownst to him Joseph Buquet notices this passage way and starts to poke around.) Phantom: (over megaphone) Okay who put the pretty boy in my box? Christine: (gasps) It�s him. The Phantom of the Opera. Meg: Hey, that�s my line! It�s like my only line. (gasps) It�s him. The Phantom of the Opera. Carlotta: (gasps) It�s me. And you�re annoying me you little toads. Phantom: Oh now you walked right into this one. (The Phantom practices his mad ventriloquist skills making Carlotta sound like she�s croaking like a frog. She runs off the stage in terror.) Andre: (to the audience) Ladies, gentlemen and frogs everywhere, we apologize. We will return with this production with Christine Daa� playing the lead. While she gets ready we give you �Le Ballet de Sheep.� (Several ballet dancers frolic in a springtime setting with many fat sheep. Overhead in the see the Phantom is strangling Joseph Buquet.) Phantom: You have learned the secret behind many of my mad ninja disappearing moves and must therefore die. (He releases Buquet who hangs over the stage by a rope before it breaks and falls to the floor.) Meg: (screams) It�s him. The Phantom of the Opera Sheep: Actually, that�s Joseph Buquet Meg: I know. But he did it. The Phantom of the Opera Firmin: (to the audience) Sit down, damnit! What�s the matter, never seen a dead body hanging from the ceiling in the opera before? Fans of the stage show: This is the part when the chandelier falls right? RIGHT!? Scene 9: (Raoul teleports himself to wherever Christine is backstage.) Christine: Come on, we�ll be safe on the roof. (The Phantom swishes his cape and follows them.) Christine: Oh Raoul, I�m so glad you�re okay. If he�d kill some random stagehand I was sure he�d go all Punjab lasso on your ass. You see, I�ve been there; to his secret lair. It actually wasn�t that bad demonic monkey music box things aside. Raoul: You must have been terrorized. Christine: And I will admit the Turkey bed was kind of weird- Raoul: Come on Christine, tell me how terrorized you were. Christine: But it wasn�t that bad. He�s not even scary looking. He�s actually kind of sexy. Really sexy. Raoul: Um, Christine, this isn�t working with the plot. Besides aren�t I pretty- I mean sexy enough? Christine: I mean if we just had sex with the mask on- Phantom: Yeah baby. Raoul: CHRISTINE! Christine: Oh yeah; it was awful! Raoul: Don�t worry; I�ll save you from the dark, mysterious sexy person. Christine: Fine, fine. I mean, thank you. (They make out. A lot.) Phantom: (crying) Is this really necessary? And does the camera have to zoom in on my face when I have a huge snot bubble hanging from my nose? Random commentary: The moral- a phantom in need deserves Puffs indeed. (Two hours later.) Christine: I should really be getting back to the Opera. Raoul: Opera? What Opera? I�m seeing lights! (They leave.) Phantom: I�ll get you my pretty! And you little man-ho too!! (cackles) Scene 10: (At the masquerade ball.) Andre: Oh I love costume parties! They�re just spiffy. Look at me, sweetie! I�m a cock! Firmin: And I�m Horn-y. Get it? Andre: Oh behave. (They go inside. A random guy in a fluffy black and white checked suit jumps out at them.) Firmin: Darling, I told you not to invite you cousin Jean. I mean, he�s almost too gay to function. Andre: That�s only okay when I say it! Christine: Raoul, everyone�s in black and white except us. Everyone else is wearing masks too. Raoul: We don�t need masks. We�re pretty- I mean sexy. Christine: Actually, I can think of someone who is very sexy in a mask. Raoul: Christine, you promised. Christine: Well we also promised Andrew Lloyd Webber that we�d sing this part but we�re not so whatever. (They dance. Suddenly, the Phantom appears in his Sexy Red Death costume.) Phantom: Muahahahahaha! Raoul: Be right back, Christine. Christine: Wait, where are going? Aren�t you going to save me from this crazy sexy person? Raoul: Well, yeah but I gotta pee first. (He exits.) Phantom: Hey everybody. Did you miss me? Katy: (who is waving chains in the air) Yes, YES! Phantom: I thought so. (notices Carlotta.) Hey, I thought I told you to fire this bitch. (To Piangi) Dude, lay off the Twinkies. Anyway, David Bowie and I have been working on a new 80s music stalker opera. The featured song is called I�ll be Watching You. Over a century later the Police are totally going to rip us off with their version of this song. Oh well. Our star will be Christine because she and only she is mine. Katy: Damn. (The Phantom disappears in a random hole. Raoul runs back on with his sword and toilet paper on his shoe.) Raoul: Where is he? (He notices the hole and jumps in.) Geronimo! (He finds himself in a weird mirror box thing. He doesn�t know what to do so he begins to cry. Then Madame Giry appears out of nowhere and whacks him on the head with her cane.) Madame Giry: It�s a mirror stupid. Scene 11: Madame Giry: Raoul, it�s time you learned about the Phantom�s twisted childhood. Maybe then, you would begin to understand him. You see he was part of this traveling circus where people did weird things with their eyelids. Raoul: That�s messed up. Madame Giry: I know, right? Anyway, this dude was showing him off as the devil�s child. One day, he randomly comes up with the Punjab lasso thing and kills the guy. I helped him escape and hid him here in the opera house. He has devoted his whole life now to music. He�s incredible. I mean, I�ll be Watching You is like the ultimate stalker song. He�s a genius! Raoul: Clearly, genius has now turned into madness. (Jack Sparrow randomly pops up.) Jack Sparrow: Funny how often those two traits coincide. (Johnny Depp breaks character.) Hey do I get an Oscar nod for this? (When he gets no answer he disappears.) Scene 12: (Christine is laying flowers on her father�s grave. The Phantom is twirling his cape and lurking behind a headstone.) Phantom: (breathing heavily through his nose) Christine, I am your father. Christine: If you�re supposedly my father is it bad that I�d really like you to ravish me right now? Phantom: Just get over here. (Raoul shows up on a horse. The horse is of course is white symbolizing purity and all that crap.) Raoul: Nooooooooooooooooooo!!! (He tackles the Phantom and they begin a swordfight. Eventually Raoul wins.) Christine: No, Raoul, don�t kill him! Raoul: Why the fuck not? Christine: Because that would alter the plot. We must have our dramatic In-the-Lair scene. Raoul: Oh right. (They ride off. The Phantom swishes his cape angrily.) Scene 13: (Raoul runs into the managers� office excitedly.) Firmin: Dude, don�t bother us when we�re exfoliating. Raoul: You guys I was primping this morning and I totally had an awesome idea. Or something that resembles an idea. Anyway, since Christine wouldn�t let me kill the Phantom I�ve decided to capture him and have someone else kill him. Managers: � Raoul: We can perform the Phantom�s stalker play and have Christine as the lead as he wanted. So then he�ll come to see it. We can, like, have police dudes there, with like uniforms and muskets and shit. They�ll be all scary and catch him and lock him in jail. Andre: That�s great except you forgot the fact that he doesn�t use normal exits and entrances and we don�t know where he�ll be. Raoul: This is the best plan ever! This is better than anything that George Bush will come up with in the Oval Office when he is president over 100 years from now! (He is right.) Scene 14: (Before the show.) Christine: Raoul, I�m scared. Raoul: Don�t be. They have, like, muskets and shit. Christine: Um�okay. Scene 15: (The Phantom�s stalker opera is performed. The Happy Hands Club from Napoleon Dynamite is kidnapped and made to perform in the background. Christine is performing I�ll Be Watching You. The Phantom sneaks on in Piangi�s place.) Phantom: They�ll never know it�s me. Who would notice the 200 pound weight difference? Meg: (gasps) It�s him. The Phantom of the Opera. Phantom: How did they know? (The Phantom and Christine sing about stalking to each other. Raoul is watching once again from the Phantom�s box.) Raoul: OMG he�s raping her! OMG she�s liking it! Christine: (orgasmically) Okay so even though the sexual tension in here is so thick you can cut it with a knife; I�m going to take your mask off. (She does.) Phantom: Why are you always doing that? Audience: Oh my God! It�s a horribly disfigured sexy person! Run for your lives! (They attempt to do so. The Phantom and Christine fall orgasmically into a random hole in the stage. The chandelier falls.) Fans of the stage show: Okay, now it just seems random. Scene 16: Raoul: I must save Christine. Madame Giry: I�ll show you the way. Once we�re at the top of stairs I�ll go away since I will no longer be useful to the plot. (She does.) Raoul: Wait. Let me somewhat strip. Now I�m wearing nothing but this white shirt that is open to show my token chest hairs. I have to look sexy to save Christine. In fact, I think I�ll go for a swim to get that wet look. (He does.) Raoul: God, I hope I don�t drown. (He doesn�t.) Scene 17: (Raoul finds his way to the Phantom�s lair. The Phantom has procured an actually really nice wedding dress for Christine. He is about to force her into matrimonial s&m when Raoul shows up.) Raoul: I�m coming in! Phantom: Sure join the party. (Raoul enters.) Phantom: Ha! You dumb-ass! Now I�m going to tie you to the gate with my Punjab lasso of doom and make Christine choose- marry me or kill him. Christine: (deliberates) Phantom: Any day now would be nice. Raoul: (sung to the tune of �Singing in the Rain�) I�m singing in the noose I�m singing in the noose Phantom: (whispering) You know I was going to do this to Christine but I somehow like this better. Raoul: (whispering) You are one are one sick-ass freak. Phantom: Hey, thanks buddy! Christine: I have made my choice. I choose to make out with the Phantom. Phantom: That was an option? (She does so.) Raoul: What the FUCK? Hello? Pretty boy in noose over here! (They stop making out. The phantom starts to cry.) Phantom: Oh go on, marry the pretty boy! What do I care! I�ll just stay here with my creepy-ass monkey thing until I die. Christine: Are you sure? Because this could totally work. Raoul: Yes he�s sure. (They run off together leaving the Phantom alone.) Phantom: God this is depressing. Oh well. I can still stalk David Bowie. Or maybe Marilyn Manson? Katy, Amanda and Brittany: What about meeeeeeeee!! Stalk meeeeeeeee!! Phantom: I�ll always be there. Not just in your mind but in your soul. The End |