There once was a kid named Eri-uhh, Bobby Sue. Now, Bobby Sue wasn't exactly what you'd call "cool" or "popular". In fact, he was just the opposite. And he didn't have many friends, so he spent most of his time with his lizards and his laptop, his only real 'friends'.
One day, he came across a site called Porn.com. When he saw the pictures on the site, he thought, "Whats that?". He decided to go ask his mom. He showed his mom the pictures, and said "Mom, whats that? I want one of those!". His mother ignored him, thinking he was talking about some kind of new toy, and continued cooking supper. Then Bobby Sue pointed at the... uhh... 'parts' of a girl and said, "Mom, what are those? Can I have some of those? Mom? MOM???". His mom became very irritated and turned around to look, just to make him shut up. When she saw what Bobby Sue was pointing at, she sent him to his room, forbidding him from ever going to that site again. And just to make sure he didn't, she took his laptop from him.
"I'll give it back to you after we block that site on your computer." she said, angrily.
"Mom, you didn't answer my question!" Poor Bobby Sue exclaimed. "What are they? Can I have some?"
But his mother just snorted irritably. Bobby Sue decided he'd better go to his room, like his mother directed. But Bobby Sue was still curious. What were those things he saw on that site? He decided he'd just refer to them as 'lumps'. But how could he get some of those? Suddenly, he had a brilliant idea. It was almost Christmas, so he'd send a letter to Santa! Bobby Sue quickly pulled out a pencil and paper, and wrote:
Deer Santa,
I wud rilly, rilly like sum lumps for Chrismas. Actully, thats all I want for Chrismas this yeer. I've been a rilly good boy.
Sinseerly, Bobby Sue
Bobby Sue checked over his letter for spelling errors, but didn't find any, so he put it in an envelope and addressed it to Santa. He was going to send it the next day.
That Christmas...
Bobby Sue ran downstairs, excitedly. It was Christmas! He rushed to his stocking and opened it, without waiting for his parents to wake up. He looked inside, and...
Inside, there were a bunch of toys, and all sorts of yummy chocolates. But Bobby Sue paid no attention to them. He dug inside, searching for the present he had been wishing for since the first time he saw it. But his efforts were in vain. Bobby Sue did not find any lumps in his stocking.
But wait, he thought, the presents under the tree! He opened each and every one of them, opening things like a computer game, a new laptop, and a giant lizard, but not a single wrapped gift was the one he asked for. Bobby Sue was so disappointed, that he burst into tears and ran back to his room, bawling the whole way.
For the next while, Bobby Sue wasn't very happy. He got tons of presents, but he didn't get the only present he really wanted that year: lumps. He started going insane, and refused to wear anything but pink and purple spandex.
Well, all the kids laughed and made fun of him, or just stared at him in shock. But Bobby Sue thought they liked it, and continued to come to school every day wearing pink and purple spandex.
One day, Bobby Sue's Dutch hooker cousin came over for a visit. It was then that Bobby Sue came up with the brilliant idea of starting his own porn site. He teamed up with his Dutch hooker cousin and together they made a porn site. He then spammed the e-mail inboxes of the world with a link to his site, and told everyone he knew about it.
Eventually, his porn site got shut down, and he became very depressed. Life went on, and then, a few months later, Bobby Sue came to a horrific and freakish discovery...