I want to share a bit about the last 6 months of my life.  It brings you up to date on where I am and who I am.

On November 22nd, 2005 my beloved Mum aged 78 took a stroke.  She went into TSI at the doctor's which was so lucky.  I spoke to her on the phone while she waited for the ambulance.  I knew things were bad and told her I loved her and she replied 'I love you too'.  And that unfortuneately was the last time she ever clearly spoke to any of us.

Dad followed the ambulance in his car. About 10 mins up the road, suddenly the ambulance's lights went on and they roared ahead of all traffic on the road.  Dad thought at first they were being naughty just to get the through the traffic lights then he realised what had probably happened.  I cannot believe he didn't run off the road!  He floored it too going straight through the lights like the ambulance to follow Mum.   Mum had flatlined her heart stopped.  They paddled her.

Before speaking to Mum I spoke to Dad at doctors at told him I'd feed his cat and turn the lights on him for him at their house before joining him at the hospital later that evening.

About 5.00pm the phone rang it was Dad he told me Mum had had major stroke and heart stopped etc.  Mum was alive and in emergency department and could I join him there when it was convenient.  Well, as soon as hubby got home, I met him in emergency and I got my first look at Mum.  She was curled up in foetal position unconscious and already showing signs of major stroke with the droopy lip and all that starting up.  It was devestating.

In the end it took poor Mum a month to die.  I am their only child.  I held Dad up as best I could.  But dammit I wanted someone to hold me up.  Hubby didn't. So I relied on my friends to be my strength. 

Over the month it took Mum to die, it was so hard.  She was in coma, though once or twice she spoke briefly but she DID respond to us. I did all the stuff I'd read about for coma/stroke patients and yes it did help her respond.  One day I got on the bed with her and wrapped my arms around her, and said 'Can you feel me hugging you Mum?' and she moaned yes.  'Can you feel my patting you on the back Mum?' again a moaned yes.  Dad joined us about then and I told him to watch.  I asked her again, "Do you feel me patting you on the back Mum?" and she moaned yes.  Dad started crying a little.  Then I went 'Can you pat me on the back Mum?' and she did four or five times which was so precious. Dad got so excited.  She was there and she knew many things... which were proven over that month.

On December 22nd, 2005 she was weak, emaciated and we knew it was any day now.  That morning my son Dylan who missed us all over the month of Mum's hospital stay, begged me to come home please and have lunch with him.  He was 10 at the time, and cried, cos he felt so lost with no family around, being left with friends and neighbours etc. I swore and promised I would be home for lunch.

When it was time to leave the hospital about 11.00 am for me. I told Mum I had to go feed Dylan and said I loved her, she moaned 'love you too' and I left. An hour or so later at 12.10pm she died.  Dad was still with her.  I got the call at home whilst making Dylan's lunch and dammit it all I never did eat lunch with him that day.

I called hubby he came home from work and we dropped Dylan's at the neighbours. Hubby and I went to the hospital and I will never forget the poor poor vision of Mum so emaciated and dead in the bed with Dad standing over her looking so old, so alone, in such pain and disbelief. He ran to me when he saw me, I was all he had left.  He told me how she passed etc etc.  He asked me what I wanted now.  And I asked to be alone with Mum for a little while.  The others all went up to the family room and I was alone with Mum.  Her eyes were still open.  I cried and told her how sorry I was to miss her passing, that I wasn't there when she needed me etc.  I got to gently close her eyes and arrange her nicely in the bed, so that was something I got to do for her at least.

Oh, I had been preparing her for death, for when in coma their spirit or soul still hears you.  I told her all about Archangel Azriel and I prepared her with a visualisation of a rose garden where we could always talk after she passed etc.I know in my heart I did everything I could humanly do for her, but the shock that I missed her passing etc is something I know longer blame myself for, but I know I will always regret.

So, since Dec 22nd, 2005 my life has been hard.  Mum was my best friend in the world, we spoke every day on the phone a couple of times a day etc etc.  Ever since my wedding in 1992 we spoke on the phone at 4.30 pm.  How I have missed that.

Now time has passed and I doing a lot better and so is Dad.  But I will admit that writing this for you all, I am in tears.  Sometimes I miss her so much, nothing not Dad, or friends or family fill that void. 

I sit alone most days as hubby works 7 days a week out of greed not of need for money, and I know that is wrong I should be out keeping busy trying to forget those empty feelings, but I can't so I have to deal.  I am dealing too, but just sometimes now maybe once a week, I still feel like I'm barely hanging on.  You know the old saying, "hanging on by the skin of your teeth" well that is me.

The death of a beloved parent is one of the most life altering events that can ever befall you.  And those that tell you to snap out of it, never loved their parents very much that is all I can say.

Don't feel bad for me I am ok, life goes on, life ends, I do realise that.  I just wanted to share this with my friends here...

Above is a picture of Mum, Dad and I at our best back when I was 21 LOL

Padmapani Devi