Secret Thoughts
By Isis_uf
([email protected])
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I only own Dee, the rest belong to Joss, WB and Mutant
Enemy. If there's anyone I forgot in the legal circle, don't sue me. I
have no money.
Secret Thoughts
By Isis_uf
([email protected])
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I only own Dee, the rest belong to Joss, WB and Mutant
Enemy. If there's anyone I forgot in the legal circle, don't sue me. I
have no money.
Thoughts on a Long Lost Love
January 10, 2008
There is a time in
the back of mind that I run to, the sole instant of perfection that my
life touched. Ironic isn’t it? It was the sole moment and the time in which
he had his soul. My life is full of terrible ironies. I hate to be cliché,
but “my only love sprung from my only hate.” Unfortunately, the opposite
is true, too. He is the only person I have ever loved and the only person
I have ever hated. I guess that makes him my everything.
Somewhere in my life,
I learned to live without him, at least the him that I loved. I don’t know
how and if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t have the faintest clue where
to begin. Over time the pain has lessened some. It’s never gone away though.
I’m not sure I’d want it to at this point. It’s so much a part of me and
has been for so long. I feed off of it. It’s the only constant in my life,
a comfort. And in some strange way, it makes me stronger.
I still fight him,
or fight for him; I’m not sure which, though it’s not really him anymore.
In essence, I guess I’m fighting his killer, the demon who stole his soul
from me and from him. The demon that stole my happiness. For so long, I
blamed myself for Angel’s death, the loss of his soul, whatever you want
to call it; he’s dead to me. I’ve come to realize over the years that it
was no more my fault than loving him was.
Some might say that
because I was only a teenager, I didn’t love him and didn’t know what love
was. They’re wrong. I loved him more than most people even dream of. I
would have died for him, killed for him, lived in pain for him, whatever
he asked me to do. When we made love it wasn’t pleasure or lust that motivated
us to do it. It was the idea of being as close to him, to his soul, as
I could possibly be. He was all I ever wanted my first thought in the morning
and my last thought at night. Don’t misunderstand me, I loved everything
about him and his looks were no exception, after all, he’s serious eye-candy.
But that wasn’t all that I loved about him. What I loved the most, is the
part of him that’s gone now; he had the most beautiful soul I’ve ever known.
I wonder if his soul
sees me now, if it looks down on me. He would if he could, I know that
much. Though I don’t know that he’d be able to bear the pain of seeing
his demon-ruled body terrorize me. Still, I believe he looks down on me.
Maybe that’s what keeps me sane. Giles wonders sometimes, I think, if I
am sane. I’ve been different since Angel left me, died, so many years ago.
He pities me, Giles does. I see it in his eyes. That’s what binds us together,
I think, our mutual pity for each other. We both lost the loves of our
lives to the demon known to us as Angelus.
Sometimes I think
that Angel and Ms. Calendar were the lucky ones, they didn’t have to live
without the ones they loved. I’m sure they knew pain before they died,
but at least the pain ended when they did. I never had that release. One
day, when I’m not as careful as I should be, maybe Angelus will take me,
too, and then the pain will end.
I just read over what
I’ve written and had to laugh. I could use a good therapist! If only there
were one who wouldn’t send me to the funny farm when I mentioned vampires!
I guess this journal will just have to do, unless Freud really became a
vampire and just decides to pay me a visit. Then again, I don’t think he’d
help much. He’d blame it all on sex and I blamed myself enough for that
already, thank you very much.
I don’t regret that,
as dumb as it may sound. It was my one moment of perfection in my life.
No matter what happened afterwards or as a result of that night, I can
never regret it. It was pure and perfect and nothing that could ever happen
could change that. There’s nothing Angelus can do to take that away, and
he knows it, and it maddens him. It is my greatest strength and most terrible
weakness.
It could easily be
what does me in one day. I may look into his eyes and for an instant see
some shadow of my love within them. In that moment, I will be completely
vulnerable. I saw the moment in my dreams. An instant where I let my guard
down and my memories envelop and betray me. Willow is scared to death that
it’s a prophecy. I can’t blame her, because I agree.
Willow’s stayed amazingly
similar to how she was before all this began. Sure, she’s a little more
outgoing, ten years, two marriages and a kid will do that to you! But,
all in all, she’s the same old Willow who I’ve known for so long. It’s
comforting to me that she changed so little. It reminds me why I do my
job in the first place, to protect people like her and their families.
Her daughter is amazing.
She’s so vibrant and lively. Sometimes I look at her and wonder. If I had
been a normal girl and Angel a normal guy, would we have had a little girl
like Dee? I look in her face and see all I dream about in her eyes. The
pure innocence of childhood is intoxicating. Willow is pregnant
again. I’m happy for her. Xander loves Dee like his own, but she’s still
Oz’s daughter. I swear, I never thought Xander would wise up and realize
what he could have with Willow. It was only after she married Oz that Xander
saw her in any other light than the girl he’d grown up with. Truth be told,
I think he fell for her at her wedding. I remember that day so clearly.
Eight years ago. I was the maid of honor and Xander the best man. I glanced
at his face as she walked in wearing that stunning white gown and knew
instantly that she would have his heart from that moment on.
Don’t get me wrong,
Xander never let her know until well after the divorce. I’m not really
sure what went wrong with their marriage. All I know is that they were
married for two years in which they had Dee and had their problems along
the way. Then, one night, Willow showed up at my door with Dee, in tears
and asked if she could stay a couple of nights. Of course I let her. She’s
my best friend! She mentioned something later about stress and money, both
of which I can relate to totally and understand how they can mess up a
relationship, but never really explained the whole divorce. Then again,
I never pushed her to either.
Xander and Willow
married about four years ago. It was hilarious, Xander gave Dee a cross
necklace at the reception right after the wedding, and told Dee she was
the youngest Slayerette. She of course had no idea of what he meant, but
she accepted the necklace happily. After all, only big girls get necklaces!
I still have the necklace Angel gave me.
It’s a terrible truth,
my life that is. I have no choices, no freedom. I live to fulfill prophecy.
I know I’ll never find love again. I don’t want to, really. Any love I
could ever find would be dwarfed by my memories of Angel. Or maybe it’s
just the parts I want to remember, I don’t know anymore. Daydreams and
reality blend together in my mind. It doesn’t really matter anyhow. The
only thing that matters is that I’m here to protect people like Dee and
Willow and her unborn baby. That I save them, so that they can live free
of fear.
Angel told me once,
over a decade ago, that we all have something to give to the world. At
the time I thought it was service, but now I know it’s my life. Angel’s
gift to the world was giving me one instant of pure happiness, because
my gift to the world has to be devoting and giving my life to the innocent.
I guess that’s another irony of my life, the purpose of it is to die.
Buffy
The Voice of Normalcy
January 11, 2008
Buffy told me once
that writing in her journal kept her sane. So, I figured I’d give it a
shot. I mean, I’m sane and all, well, as sane as anyone who knows vampires
are real can be anyhow, but I’d like to stay that way. So, here I am, I
am writing.
I just told Xander
I’m keeping a journal. He thinks I’m nuts, I think. I mean, he’d never
need something like this. He lets out all his problems by joking. That’s
not a bad idea actually, and I might give it a try, if I were a funnier
person. But, Xander has the share of humor in our family.
Dee’s teacher says
she’s doing well in school. How she turned out so normal, I have no idea!
Once she’s old enough to realize she can never call her father or see him
when the moon is full, I might have some explaining to do. Or if she ever
sees Buffy dust a vamp, that could be of the not enjoyable times.
Buffy’s gotten so
into her work that it’s scary. She doesn’t think about anything but slaying
anymore. I mean, even Giles told her she needs to get out more! That’s
sad! I think that Buffy’s lived longer than any other slayer. I’m not sure
if that’s such a great thing. She’s my best friend and all, and I’m glad
she’s still alive, but I don’t know if slayers are supposed to live this
long. At some point, she cracked. She’s not the same Buffy I knew for so
long. Does that make sense? She stopped partying and trained constantly
after her mother and Cordelia died seven and five years ago, respectively.
Buffy’s Mom knew,
by that point, that Buffy was the slayer. That consoled Buffy somewhat
at least. That her Mom knew why she had been such a problem child and disobeyed
rules and stuff. I think it made it a little easier, but then, finding
her Mom’s body… what was left of it, overwhelmed any consolations she’d
had. Angelus was… is brutal.
Cordelia’s death was
almost as bad. Angelus turned her into a vampire. I’ve seen Buffy cry only
four or five times in all the years I’ve known her. After she staked Cordy,
she broke down and sobbed. I can’t imagine what she’ll be like if she ever
stakes Angelus.
Personally, I’ve been
so very lucky. And careful. Dee knows never to invite anyone inside the
house, whether she knows them or not. Not even if it’s me or Xander or
her Dad, we can never be too careful. She’s never out at night, never.
Xander and I carry stakes everywhere we go, no matter what time of day,
just in case… I almost wish I’d never heard of vampires, that I could live
my life in blissful ignorance, but then I think of all the people I’ve
known who died because they didn’t know and weren’t careful enough.
Then I change my mind.
Willow
The Voice of Reality
January 12, 2008
After how badly I teased
Willow for keeping a journal, I know I’ve gotta hide this or face teasing
just as bad when she finds out! She’s so perfect! Not only does she put
up with my ribbing and bad jokes, but I think she actually enjoys them!
She’s the only person I’ve ever met, with the possible exceptions of Buffy
and Cordy, who could stand my humor.
I miss Cordy sometimes.
Sure, she was shallow and self-centered, but I did love her. God do I hope
Willow never finds this! I don’t think she’d understand. I mean, just cause
someone likes jelly doughnuts doesn’t mean they can’t like the ones with
the little chocolate sprinkles, too! Just so long as they only have the
one with the sprinkles for breakfast, they’re ok. Then again, maybe I underestimate
Willow. After all, I know she loved Oz. Then again, that’s different. Oz
is still of the living, Cordy very isn’t.
It may sound weird,
but I’m glad she married Oz first. I can’t imagine my life without Dee
in it. I love her. I wish she were my own flesh and blood, but even though
she’s not I still love her like she is. I can’t wait for the baby to be
born. I don’t even care if it’s a boy or a girl, which surprised me. I
just want it to get here and be happy and healthy. Who would have though?
Xander Harris, a doting father! I can’t wait!
I think Willow doesn’t
mind waiting though. I mean, she’s been through this before, and it wasn’t
exactly a pleasant experience. She was in labor for twenty hours and it
just so happened to be during a full moon, so Oz was very not there! Buffy
and I were though, believe me, that twenty hours definitely felt every
minute of it! I was so happy for her afterwards, though. Then there was
Buffy. She just looked at Dee with this far-off look, almost like she was
going to cry. It was so painful to see her look like that.
She’s been like that
for a while now. Solemn, pained, and emotionless except when she’s staking
vampires. Then, there’s this overwhelming viciousness that takes her over.
It’s kept her alive and drained her at the same time. She’s not the same
person anymore. She holes herself up in her house whittling stakes, sleeping,
and researching during the day and hunts all night every night.
It’s strange, you’d
think it’d have been what Giles would have wanted. A slayer totally devoted
to her duty, in every sense. But it’s not. He’d like her to be a person
again. He should talk, though.
I miss the old days.
The days when we had problems like having to duck Principal Snyder or risk
volunteering for something. When we’d go to the Bronze and dance all night.
Hell, I even miss Buffy gushing over Angel. It’s hard knowing that we can
never have that kind of happiness again. Will fools herself. She doesn’t
see how much Buffy’s changed. She still sees her as the bubbly teenager
we knew years ago. It’d be nice, but it’s not like that anymore.
Will and I could still
have our best days in front of us, but it’s hard knowing that Buffy has
condemned herself to living in the past. That her best days are so over.
If she’d let herself feel again, maybe she’s have some hope of living again.
Xander
What Might Have Been’s
January 13, 2008
She’s drifted away.
I look at her now and wonder if she’s sane anymore. She’s certainly a different
person from the girl I trained. Perhaps it would have been beneficial for
her had she not survived this long. I never wanted her to know this pain.
There is a reason
slayers are to have no personal attachments. They become targets and make
her vulnerable. It is my fault for allowing her to involve others. I have
destroyed her in the neglect of my duties as her watcher and as her friend.
Yet, if I had to do it all again, I feel I might have chosen the same.
While she suffers now, she has known happiness, friendship, contentment,
and love, things no slayer prior has had the privilege of feeling. While
it has destroyed her, it has also kept her alive. Ironic, in a strange
way.
Along the way, Buffy
became something more than just a slayer to me. She’s like a daughter I
shall never have. I will never be a parent, and so she is the closest thing
I shall ever have to a daughter, her and perhaps Dee, Willow’s child.
Buffy was on the offensive
more than usual tonight. She came in fierce and never backed down. She
destroyed nearly a dozen vampires. Close to a record, even for her. Her
passion for killing these demons was only matched by her passion for Angel.
I think that is why she was so viscous. Tomorrow night is the ten-year
anniversary of the day Angel changed. It’s always a hard time of the year
for her. Her memories surface and she beats the demons in an attempt to
beat the demon in her mind, her memories.
I don’t know how much
longer she can go on like this. She’s hardened herself, emotionally and
physically. She has wrinkles, though she’s only twenty-seven tomorrow.
It is a high stress job. She cares nothing of her appearance. Where she
used to dress fashionably, wear make-up, and style her hair in those ridiculously
complex styles that teenagers seem to love, she now pulls it back tightly
in a ponytail every day. She always wears sweatpants and never wears make-up.
I can’t recall the last time she took a day off, even though I offer it
to her often. Slaying has become her life.
Rupert
The Voice of Innocence
January 14, 2008
Auntie Buffy gave me
the diary. She said to write in it. My name is Dee. I is six and a half
years old. I have Mommy and two Daddys. I love Mommy and both my Daddys.
Mommy says I is spescial ‘cause I have two Daddys who love me.
Katie doesn’t have
any Daddys. I told her she could have one of mine because she needs one
and I don’t want to be greedy they said in sckhool that it’s good to schare.
Mommy laughted and said it didn’t work that way. Why doesn’t it work that
way? Katie needs a Daddy!
Mommy is going to
have a babie. I don’t know what I tink about that. It will be fun to have
someone to play with, but I’m the baby. Auntie Buffy says they’ll still
love me the same, but I’m worryed.
Why is Auntie Buffy
always sad? Mommy says it’s because she has no one to love her. I said
I love her Mommy hugged me and said she knew. So why is Aunt Buffy still
sad? Maybe she doesn’t have a Daddy.
Dee
Unfulfilled Dreams
January 14, 2008
It should have been
more satisfying, killing her. I’ve hunted her for so long, thirsted for
this moment. I killed her on our… her most special day. The day she took
my soul. It was thrilling, but so much less than what I expected.
She was hunting, as
usual, in the graveyard. I watched casually as she bagged a few vamps.
She was so enraged, it was almost intoxicating. I really didn’t care much,
they were young. I had no interest in keeping them alive. Then, she sensed
me, the look on her face, oh I’ll never forget it. This twisted look of
pain crossed her features. I knew in that moment that in my own way, I’d
broken her. Oh, no where near the insanity I drove Dru to. Buffy retained
her dignity if nothing else.
I chuckled as I walked
into partial light and studied her. “You look older, love,” I murmured.
“I grew up,” she replied,
biting her lip.
I cautiously approached
her, not close enough to be killed, just close enough that I could see
her clearly in the darkened graveyard. I suppressed my game face and looked
on her as closely as I could to how I had ten years ago. She looked back
and, for a moment, I think she thought I was her Angel again. Fool. In
that moment of weakness I grabbed her, knocked the stake from her grasp
and drained her of her life.
It was a glorious
moment, but she didn’t really put up a fight. It was almost as if she resigned
herself to this fate. I think she always knew she’d die at my hands.
I thought momentarily
about turning her into a vampire, but decided against it. I don’t really
know why. It might have been fun. But, I decided not to.
I told Spike, many
years ago, that just killing her lacked poetry. Killing her on the anniversary
of the night she and I had sex, draining her of her blood, that was poetic,
but it didn’t fulfill me for some reason and I don’t know why.
Angelus