Sent: Monday, June 21, 2004 1:30 AM
To:
Subject: Stuff
>As it turns out I will not be able to attend the meeting on Monday. But I will be at the meetup on Thursday. Let me know >what happens and if there is anything I can do in the meantime.
Myself, I'm thinking I may stop by only briefly. Just to check in, find out what's up, meet the new guy... and then leave. I don't think anything will come up that requires my attention.
I don't plan to do the 9/11 thing, though I might end up getting sucked in as a result of my own susceptibility to peer pressure. I'd rather not look like a member of the Moonie faction. Besides, Glenn and Pat want to see it and I'm more inclined to go with them. Sort of. Glenn and Pat both slightly lean toward conspiracy as an explanation for some evils--witness his "Skull and Bones" twitch. And I'm uncomfortable with that. Obviously, I love them both dearly, but I prefer to start my political conversations prosaically and over time gradually slide into the dark end of the swamp.
I make them sound terrible, and they're not. They're both very smart, articulate, thoughtful people. I'm just more conventional, I guess. Anyway, I might change my mind, who knows.
>It's Father's Day, of course. My two older kids neglected to give me a call. I feel a twinge but no real sadness about being forgotten. We have an honesty amongst us that comes from making the most of the time we have together. I know they love me -- I also know they aren't always good at
I was going to wish you a happy Father's Day. I don't think I've ever known, on a personal level, anyone around my age with kids in high school. It makes you seem practically venerable.
For years I "forgot" Father's Day. My parents divorced when I was 13 or 14, under weird and messy circumstances, and after that Dad sort of disappeared. He was around, he sent checks, we spoke, but only occasionally. And he never seemed to want to know very much about me. It hurt. So I guess I unconsciously returned the favor. Part of it too is that he can be a needy person, and I felt I had to put some distance beween us.
But of course, that's Dad. He is who he is, with limitations that I try very hard to keep in mind and accept. It isn't easy.
By the way, I hope I don't sound as if I'm comparing you two. I'm not--I'm just rambling. I sincerely doubt you have the same limitations.
>I turned off my computer for 24 hours. I have promised to do this once a week in exchange for volunteering the hell out of my free time between now and November.
Good for you, and good for your wife for holding you to it.
>> Just read what I assume is your poem. Whoever wrote it, it's lovely.
>> It resonates.
>So much for being discreet.
I trust you are not implying that I would ever be indiscreet? Have I been indiscreet?
>If you don't mind being the recipient of my ever-more-direct flirtation, sure, let's carpool. I
If I can't get the control module whatsis fixed on my car, I may take you up on the carpooling suggestion. Cautiously.
>We are our own worst critics. It's probably better than you think.
>Please share it with me.
This feels like I might be rejecting a gift but... No, I'm sorry. I really can't. Maybe later. It's too fresh right now.
>I do the same for the adult sites I visit.(oops -- was that out loud?)
Might I say, by the way, that I'm thinking of opening a separate e-mail account just to converse with you? I just sent off an e-mail (which you have by now) to the planning group. For a horrible moment, I thought I had hit "send" on the wrong e-mail. My stomach was in knots over the idea.
You say I'm direct, but I'm actually pretty guarded. I'm afraid that if I am too expressive or reveal too much too soon that something will happen to take away whatever makes me happy at the moment. It's an old reflex.
This raises an interesting (distracting, tangential) question in my mind. What am I willing to tell you, and why? For what reasons would I hide or reveal information? I know the answers from my own perspective, but I wonder from which angle you view the same information.
I do too. That is, I'm not sure what you mean.
One the one hand, revealing information--ie, "honesty"--is sometimes the best protection one can have. Throughout my life, I've revealed information to distract, to bait, to misdirect, to attempt to be "interesting"... More often now I reveal things simply because I'd rather not be alone with myself all the time.
I suppose asking whether you would want to tell me if you visited porn sites (not necessarily which porn sites) is more an attempt to fish for information about me than it is about you. Not very mature of me. Please forget I asked.
In the interest of reciprocity, though, I've visited porn sites before, out of interest as well as curiosity. Most of it leaves me cold. I have my quirks and contradictions, but I don't like humiliation or cruelty.
I generally try to keep a lot of this stuff out of Glenn's sight. It makes him uncomfortable. He's a little prudish in some respects. And it would make me exceedingly uncomfortable to know that he was aware of this part of my life.