Dear Asshole...

This section is were I put frequently asked questions, and complaints, so lets begin

Dear Asshole: You are constantly using the word "Lynch" what does this mean?, from: Curiosity

Dear Curiosity: to "Lynch" is to tear appart, most commonly done to people with unpopular views, so to answer your question, shut the hell up.

Dear Asshole: Your site sux, bite me, from: Bizar

Dear "Bizar: You're an idiot, aren't you? That isn't even a question, and you misspelled "Sucks", not to mention the fact that you can't even spell your own name. I bet your pants are around knees and your hat is off at a 45degree angel. You probably also like the color "baby blue" and use the word "solid". I bet your also sexually atracted to your sister. No? How about your mother.

Dear Asshole: Were did the idea for a 2 by 4 come from? From: Shinanigens

Dear Shinanigens: The 2 by 4 came from the fact that 2 by 4 is a funny word, funnier then "lead pipe" or "crowbar", so there you go.

Got any complaints or questions?

[email protected]

Dear Asshole: Are all the diseases on your first page real? From: Dumbass

Dear Dumbass: Thank you for saving me the effort of having to insult you. Yes, all those diseases actually exist, no I don't know what any o fthem are..

         Dear Sir Asshole:

          My name is William T. Cosgrave III esq. I live in London, England and simply must confess, I am quite an avid fan of your comic. However, I find it quite offensive that in your recent "Dear Asshole" section, you insulted a gentleman named "Bizar", or more appropriately, "Bizarre". I have been wearing my pants around my knees for quite some time now and I am quite proud of this particular fashion statement. My hat is in fact at a 47 degree angle, not 45. I do like the colour "baby blue" and the term "solid" is part of my vocabulary on a daily basis, for you see Sir, I am a chemist. I am not sexually attracted to either my mother or my sister, however my brother is exceptionally good-looking. I write not to offend you but merely to aid you in your pursuit of accuracy. Good day to you Sir, if indeed you ever come to London, you and I can sit for a nice afternoon tea.

                                         Sincerely,
                             Lord William T. Cosgrave III esq.
                                 English Upper Class Person

Dear Lord Cosgrave: . . . yes

Dear Asshole: My name is Bruce Wayne (AKA Batman) and I just stumbled across your site. I was wondering, why are there no superheros? I am extreamly offended by this, if there isn't a hero up by mid-November of 2008, I will begin to get extreamly mad and pissy. Anywho, since Robin ran away with the Joker, I need a witty sid kick who says things like "Jee Willikers, Batman, holly rusted metal!" and I think that you could fill this void. And I think the goats in the birthday comic are high, and I think you should change it, AND YES I KNOW IT ALL, SHUT UP ALFRED, I'M WRITTING HATE MAIL. DIE ASSHOLE, OR I'LL SICK MYSELF ON YOU!!! From: Duane Bombiea

Dear Duane: If I ever catch you writting me another Dear Asshole I'll kill off your character. You will be smacked for this, in fact, I'm warming up my smacking hand right now, your going down! (By the by, most people only sign with one name, you, however, used Bruce Wayne, Batman, and Duane Bombiea, thats another smack)

Dearest Asshole,

I have been a avid fan of your great comic for the past little while. The artwork is fabulous. The plot lines always keep me in stiches (hehehe...fish....) I might also add that the site lacks nice HTML (so you have an HTML address for your email now, eh? Ingenious) So, if possible, I'd like to help you with the maintenance of this fine site. I'm also a little upset that you ONLY PUT ME IN THE GOD DAMN BACKGROUND FOR A FEW COMICS!!!!! but its ok, I still love you. Other than that, it is one of the most ass kicking comics I've ever seen! Bravado on your work, and keep it up in the future!! Godspeed man! You are truly a wonderful artist!

Doug Campbell Musician at Large

PS: I happen to know you are a fine gentleman. Why are you constantly called "Asshole" here??

Dear Doug: Oh if only all my fans WOULD E-MAIL ME! Anywho, the reason I'm called asshole is because not all readers of the comic know me, judging by the comic I could be seen as a deeply disturbed individual, but Asshole was easier to say, thanks for the e-mail.

Franklin F.Thomson
International Irrelevance Council
New York, New York
USA
58931

Dear Mr.Asshole,

I am an official at the aformentioned IRC where your web publication and its use of 'irrelevance' has been brought to your attention.

As you are most certainly aware of, the issue of irrelevance has been one that has been surrounded by the utmost controversary for most of this century. Since the Relevance Crusades of 1914, there has been much argument about the use of word 'irrelevent', and who and to what it applies to. To this day, the IRC fights for the rights for those who mistakenly idenitified as relevant, but are actually 'irrelevant' in their actual personification.

Upon reading your "comic", the IRC has come to the decision that we are appalled with your "expression of humor". It seems as if you are tricking "Irrelevant" fundelmentalists to come to your web address by adverstising a place to to ecscape from their political-correct lives and find an outlet for their obsercuity. However, it seems as if your "comic" is anything but irrelevant. We are of course addressing the issue of the use of the likenesses of OZZY OSBOURNE, EMINEM, FAMILY CIRCUS, and T-SHIRTS in your comic. These are well known icons in today's current "pop" culture, and act as describing them as 'irrelevant' will simply not be tolerated.

Your comic is an insult to mainstays of irrelevant culture such as the tv shows SAVED BY THE BELL: THE NEW CLASS & SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLEGE YEARS, musical publications such as all SOLO albums, and the use of words 'RADICAL', 'DEMOCRACY', and 'COYOTE'.

We are hearby giving and your followers you a 'cease and desist' order concerning the use of 'irrelevance' on your website. Please elminate all references to that word until an IRC Inspector can anaylse your "comic" and varify that it does indeed meet our 'irrelevance' standards.

Regards,

Franklin Thomson

Dear Mr. Thomson: If you would kindly refer to section 2-78-R of the Charter of All Things Not Pertaining to Relevance or Pointedness, and I quote:

All things, even those of cultural relevance or pointedness, can and may be, if in moderation, to be decided by a jury of peers,, used as or in content not of relevance or pointedness if in, or of, contrast to other parts of this material, thus creating an overall and general lack of relevance or pointedness.

End quote. I beleive this section of the C.A.T.P.R.P. covers the material found on my site, also, if you check Irrelevance Certification N. 16536392563474, I beleive you will find I am a documented and liscened source of non-relevance. I assure you, my organization is just as devoted as you in making this a less understandable world.

David, Irrelevant, comic.