The News for those few who play real croquet!                                May 20, 2007

Brandon Lasher (first place) and Sara Chang (third place) had good reason to smile in Springfield's Jesse Maine Memorial Park on the wettest Spam Classic in history....yes, Brandon wears sunglasses in the rain

Brandon ends three-year winless drought on a wet May Sunday

The 9th annual Spam Classic was held under cold and wet conditions in a Springfield park. Amazingly nine players (Ben, Brandon, Mike, Nathan, Sara, Alena, Steve Roberts, Steve Unfred and Jennifer Miller) fought for nearly three and a half hours to win the middle part of the Spam Triple Crown. Even more amazingly, Brandon Lasher won his first official IMC event in nearly three years.

The event was played at Jesse Maine Memorial Park, a secluded park where no other visitors where found. I guess the heavy rain might have eliminated any spectators. However, Nathan, the course designer, was nice enough to put the middle part of the event under the heavy tree covered part of the park.

The event started in the rain and Brandon jumped to a huge lead. He was able to breeze thru the first three wickets as the rest of the field was stuck on the first two. Brandon had his struggles with his digital camera's batteries and the fourth wicket, a shot near a small pit that bunched the event back up. Mike, Nathan and Sara were able to pass Brandon at this point. The course beginnings slowed the rest down including Jennifer Miller, in her second event. After fighting with the first two wickets and the rain she withdrew and took ninth place after about an hour of play.

As the group bunched up at the fifth wicket, an interesting creation near a pile of rocks, the event was shut down for about half an hour as Steve Unfred and Mike left to move Steve's car. It was blocking the neighbors of the Lasher's and the event stopped. It allowed time for Alena and Sara to share stories of the previous night's bachelorette party for Alena and marvel at how neither were drunk.

Upon his return, Mike and Nathan quickly went thru the sixth wicket, an uphill wicket near some rocks, to jump to the lead. This wicket would prove difficult for the rest and most of the field wasted nearly twelve turns on it. Sara was able to get thru the tough sixth wicket fast and jumped to the lead on the even still more difficult seventh wicket. You had about a two foot landing spot or you just roll back down the hill, pretty close to the sixth wicket. But how did Sara get the lead? Same old same old, Mike screwing over Nathan's chances. Mike had the "fun" of watching his ball roll repeatedly down the hill. On two occasions, Mike's ball hit Nathan's and rolled down the hill. Would Mike attempt to go for the wicket with his extra shot? No, he decided to sabotage Nathan instead, who had lined himself up a few times in front of the seventh wicket. Their rivalry continues.

Sara was the benefactor as she got thru the tough seventh wicket. She was in the lead but saw a scary sight, the eighth wicket was a wicket placed uphill in between dozens of muddy, slippery rocks. It might not have been smart to place a wicket near slippery, pointy rocks but no one said we were smart.

Sara, Nathan and Mike decided to go around and above the wicket to reach it. Brandon had gotten thru the seventh wicket fast and gambled trying a pop shot into the rocks. He was close but landed a few rocks short. Meanwhile, Steve Roberts had the fun honor of accidentally hitting his fianc�e, Alena Woicicki, croquet ball out of its position directly in front of the difficult seventh wicket. While Steve Unfred gave the other Steve gave an idea how to right the wrong, the attempt to do so failed miserably as well. The two Steve�s, Alena and Ben would struggle on this shot thus ended their chances to win. It would become a four way race between Sara Chang, Nathan Cole, Mike Cough and Brandon Lasher for the win.

Brandon was able to recover and get thru the eighth wicket first. His ally, Mike was close behind but Brandon had a few chances at the end stick, an easily accessible end stick under a small tree. The idea was to give a fast charging player to hit the end stick from afar to steal a higher finish. It came close to occurring for the Spam Classic title.

Brandon was lined up only a few feet below the end stick. Mike had a chance to steal the win and watched as his ball missed by a few feet and stopped in front of Brandon's ball. Brandon, on his next turn, hit Mike's ball and then the end stick. The league watched in amusement as Brandon ran around like an idiot in celebration. However, if you had not won since October 2004, you might do the same.

A few attempts later Mike claimed second place. Nathan watched in amazement as a small stick was between his ball and the end stick. Sara was able to claim an impressive third the next turn before Nathan took fourth. Alena was able to claim an impressive fifth shortly before Steve Unfred hit a long distance shot to steal sixth place from Steve Roberts. Roberts took seventh as Ben picked his ball out of the mud to finish a disappointing eighth.

Brandon summed up his victory in a long, post-event press conference. "Ever since, I became a legally ordained Internet Minister my life has been on the up," explained Brandon, "I won today, got briefly engaged to Sara and have been receiving multiple teaching job interviews. Thanks, Internet!"

Steve Roberts and Alena Woicicki, the first (and currently only) couple of Ironman Croquet

By Brandon Lasher

Alena Woicicki issued a statement demanding the entire season of Ironman Croquet be cancelled in celebration of her impeding nuptials to fellow Ironman Croquet player, Steve Roberts. While the league hoped this would be a small affair affecting only Memorial Day weekend and the Honeymoon week after, the league watched in horror as wedding related events affected more and more of league play.

The wedding started to rear its head into Ironman Croquet's tournament schedule as early as last year. Brandon wanted to finish the season with its traditional Tour Championship in early October, Alena said she couldn't come because she had to look at wedding dresses, that weekend, nearly seven months before the wedding itself. While Brandon was able to persuade Alena to change her mind, the wedding would rear its head again in the 2007 season.

The league was slated to host a preseason event but it conflicted with the Wedding Cake Tasting day. When the IMC wanted to start the season in early April, Alena explained that it conflicted with the Flower buying day. When the league wanted to schedule its May events, Alena complained they would conflict with the bachelor and bachelorette parties. While this proved smart, especially with Steve Roberts' bachelor party, the demands were shocking. Then they got worse.

Alena held a press conference to announce her shocking news, "I am hear to demand the cancellation of the Ironman Croquet season. With my wedding, honeymoon, Thank You Card writing parties, Post-wedding debriefing party, Best Man thank you blowout, Maid of Honor day, Ring Bearer Fun day and the In-Law BBQ we don't have enough time to play this season," Alena explained," It would just be best to worry about the wedding instead."

Steve Roberts was found to add, "Whatever, Alena says."

The rest of the league was shocked by Alena's idea. "I am amazed that she would take this rout," said a stunned Nathan Cole, "I have never seen a wedding take up so much of a year."

Ben Lasher added, "I can understand a few conflicts but this list is amazing. You're planning a wedding, not the election of a new pope."

Ironman Croquet commissioner Brandon Lasher said the Elder Board would meet next week to discuss Alena's idea. The idea is a controversial one for sure. But judging by the Board's comments so far, the proposal will likely fail.

Steve Unfred summed up the mood of board best, "If getting married means this much interference with croquet, I guess we know why most the league's males are single." Steve explained before leaving to cry in the corner of the press room.