The News for those few who play real croquet!                                April 9, 2006

Batman gives Marvel stuff to Spam Open winner Nathan Cole

IMC begins 8th season with mud and video recording

The eighth season of Ironman Croquet begun at the Cough Course. As has been tradition the last four years, the Spam Open began the season. As is tradition in Ironman Croquet, Nathan Cole won again.

The event had the "honor" of being the first event to ever be videotaped. Ben and Brandon Lasher taped the proceedings of the opening and closing of the event along with the course walkthrough. Since the league has forgotten that video cameras can have movement, the footage was eight boring minutes.

The event opened with a celebrity appearance that Mike promised. A guy looking a lot like Batman opened the season of Ironman Croquet. Batman did not play and returned to hand out awards at the end of the day's events.

The event begun on the pool table. Steve Roberts jumped to an early lead but was quickly followed by the rest of the seven-person field. The sports ball covered third wicket allowed Steve Roberts, Brandon Lasher and Nathan Cole to separate themselves from the rest of the field. While the others would occasionally get closer, the event became a three-person race.

The fifth wicket dubbed the "Crown of Thorns" shot allowed Nathan and Steve to pull ahead as Brandon got stuck in corner of the Thorn shot. After getting thru the Easter bunny wicket, Nathan was able to breeze thru the difficult wickets located dangerously close to the street. Nathan's good luck gave him a good lead yet again.

The hose shot located on the hill bunched up Brandon, Mike, and Steve Roberts. However, Mike became very street bound allowing Brandon and Steve Roberts to pull away and try to catch Nathan. Ben was battling Mike for fourth and Steve Unfred and Alena were messing with Steve Unfred's ludicrously large umbrella.

Nathan was able to hit a pop shot into the end stick on the pool table just as Steve Roberts and Brandon Lasher arrived in the backyard. The race begun for second as Mike arrived but Brandon was able to line up his shot, use the ramp onto the table and hit the end stick for second. Steve Roberts salvaged another top three a few moments before Mike claimed fourth.

Ben took fifth as the other two players dueled to not win last place peeps. The mud was thick and both Steve Unfred and Alena Woicicki slipped as they had multiple attempts to hit the end stick. Steve was able to claim sixth so Alena took last. Batman returned to give Nathan the tradition Burger King Crown and Marvel action figure. Alena took the customary peeps for last. Thus begun another season with another Nathan win.

The visual proof that Steve Roberts, actually loves Peeps! Disgusting!

By Brandon Lasher

The Ironman Croquet League had spent most of Steve Roberts' rookie year of 2005, teasing him. Whether it was praising other rookies, making anti-Steve websites, giving him pansy awards or complaining when he actually got second at the Spam Invitational, he took a lot of heat. The Elder Board was ready to stop the teasing until something shocking happened, he professed his love for peeps! Disgusting.

The "candy" has had a long and infamous history in IMC lore. In the 2000 Spam Open, legends Rick Siel and Kristy Cough battled for half an hour to not get peeps as the last place prize. The league would continue to hand out peeps for last place prize in many future events. It was a way of welcoming rookies by giving the most disgusting candy we could think of. Brandon Lasher even got a stuffed peep to mock loser with. However, Steve Roberts had to ruin the joke by thinking it was a good thing to get peeps.

"What the heck is wrong with him?" questioned Ben Lasher, "It is nothing but gross sugar and marshmallow. I think this ends what little hope we had of welcoming Steve in the group."

"I gave peeps as last place at the Spam Open for years," explained Mike Cough, "The other league players had the decency to be disgusted to win this candy-like substance." "How will we humiliate the losers now?"

As the league watched in horror, Steve Roberts ate another peep. How could he possibly like them? We asked Steve to answer. "There is something about that marshmallow like sugar that gets to me. I don't see what the big deal is? It isn't like I stuck the Spam King trophy down my pants."

I guess he has a point.

Mike Cough at his favorite event, The No-Lives Classic, in 2005

By Mike "The Mike" Cough

(This is the first part in the series to celebrate the upcoming 100th event in IMC history. Yes, we actually have played that many events. The league long-term members were asked to dicuss some of their favorite moments of the first 100 events in IMC history. The 100th event will be the Scott Balthrop Memorial Tournament and will be held in early June.

My memories of IMC events focus mostly on the travel events that happen during the yearly "No Lives" contest. Our first trip to the coast in 2001 revolved around the high sand dunes at Honeymen Park in Florence, OR. The group got up early and made the drive to the course and finally ascended to the top of the dunes. Then the fun really began with shot after shot rolling down the hill and the player running up and down the dune to retrieve their croquet balls. Being cocky, I choose the yellow ball to blend in with the sand and nearly lost at as it rolled down the wrong side of the dune into the brush. Nathan was able to use a keen eye and retrieve it. As play continued, the wind would whip sand into our faces and Alan, tired of a sand blown face, pulled his shirt over his head only to expose his back and chest. Laughter insured as the wind picked up and Alan was heard yelling, "Ow, my nipples!" Despite losing, the fun of the event followed by a nice lunch after made things stand out.

In 2002, we ventured near Driftwood shores in Florence to play and later the group drove north to Lincoln City. Traffic was encountered, bumper stickers were made fun of, signs were read aloud, and I made a donation to the Tribal Casino. At the event itself, the lack of sand dunes made things a little easier but the wind made keeping things in place an issue. The battle ended with a challenging end stick and a new tradition started by Nathan. This was the tradition of the loser taking the walk of shame into the sea. At the end of the day Ben, our designated driver provided some excitment as the long day of teasing for slow driving, mostly by me, and a late exit notice caused Grandpa to make a sharp turn that caused a few expletives to be issued by some and laughter from Nathan. While no contact was made with the guardrail, I swear I counted four bolts fastening it to the post.

In 2003, we went to Cannon Beach; the weather that year was lousy with wind and rain. Near the end of the event, I showed my affection for an end stick halfway up a rocky cliff with a string of expletives done in Scottish accent. My trudge to the ocean that followed was cheered up by the sight of Brandon running at least half a mile down the beach to recover his hat the wind had seized. We continued north to Lincoln City where I made my donation to the tribe and enjoyed a comfortable ride home.

In 2004, we heard of a new tribal casino in Florence where I could make my yearly "donation" and so all the events were scheduled in the closer coastal town. The caravan was to arrive and meet together at the South Jetty, but confusion as to that exact location caused one half of the group to arrive at the North Jetty and the team with the equipment to arrive at the correct location of the South Jetty.

After jokes as to which direction north actually pointed, the group met up at the correct location and battled. The end stick this year layed in a sand castle that those who knew where to go had time to build, complete with moat. Alena, who claimed last, opted not to make the trudge to the sea. After lunch, we discovered the new donation center was two weeks from opening so I cut my losses for that year.

In 2005, we again had an all day Florence event set and after learning our directions everyone agreed to meet at the North Jetty. The arrival of some was delayed after a run in with the local authorities as Grandpa Ben proved he was capable of some speed driving . Through the event, we saw a lot of lead changes that caused Nathan to take his frustrations out on a log. While he played lumberjack, the end stick on the top of a high hill loomed. Paul Bunyan won the event and I dropped from possible second to fourth after jumping the hill three times. After threatening to throw Alena, who again lost, in the ocean, we split for lunch and I renewed my tradition of making donations to the tribe.

As the new season is upon us, I know more occasions will stand out over the year. This "No Lives" should prove as interesting as those that have passed, especially with a win destined to happen for me and a fond desire held to regain some of my tribal donations.

(Editor's Note: The IMC played the first two No-Lives Classic events at the famed Lasher Course. In 2001, we begun the tradition of going to the coast for the event. Mike Cough has never won a No-Lives.)