The News for those few who play real croquet! April 8,2000
The News for those few who play real croquet! April 8,2000
Nathan wins first Tourney ever, in first Tourney ever of year!
It has begun! Ironman Croquet, season two, the season we though we would never make it to,
is here.
�This time it's for money.' The new croquet slogan, as the Frog Dollar system begins,
replacing last year's point system. This time all players, regardless of placing walks away
with something to show for it, Frog Dollars, the only money non-negotiable anywhere in the
universe.
But now on to the day's events.
Nathan finished well ahead of every one after a well played attack on Canales, a shot that
screwed up the two people ahead of him, Jon and Ben. Ben, very sick, got stuck on the other
side of the front yard for some time, and eventually got passed by everyone but Kyle, the new
Rookie player this season! "What in the hell have I gotten my self into?", the rookie inquired.
In honor of a new year, a new faction has reared it ugly head on the croquet field, The
Ewoks.
Nathan and Alan the two tallest players in the league named themselves after a bunch of
short guys, in order to defeat and piss off, the Sith Lords (Brandon and Jon) Brandon had this
to say about the events as they unfolded, "Damn you Ewoks!"
The Sith complaining may have been justified, the Sith would have tromped over the
competition, but due to Ewoks inference, Jon finished second and Brandon, third. Alan, an Ewok,
finished fourth.
Steve, a new member of Pets Against Croquet (don't ask), finished fifth, and remarked,"No
one can stop me, I am the most mediocre player!"
The Frog Dollars as they now stand:
Rank Player Attended Total Money Average Takings
1 Nathan 1 $5000 $5000
2 Jon 1 $3000 $3000
3 Brandon 1 $1000 $1000
4 Alan 1 $ 800 $ 800
5 Steve 1 $ 600 $ 600
6 Mike 1 $ 500 $ 500
7 Ben 1 $ 300 $ 300
8 Kyle 1 $ 100 $ 100
(The Average takings will be more exciting after more tourneys.)
The Spam Open the first of the Spam Triple Crown events, is April 22nd , at 1 PM, at
the Cough Course. Will Mike be a repeat Spam king, this first event will set the pace.
The Upcoming!
May 13th, The Frog Memorial Tournament, at the Lasher Course.
May 20th, The Ironman Croquet Doubles Championship, at the Unfred Course.
May 27th, We-Have-No-Lives Classic, at the Lasher Course.
June 3rd, The Orange Shirt Classic, at the Lasher Course.
Finally The Rock has come back for another season of croquet.
As the kick-off event has been held The Great One has looked over the competition. The
Rock starts with the so called chump from last year Brandon. This orange freak runs around
talking about his tips for success. His I.M.C. philosophy. Well The Rock says he doesn't
give a damn about your a, b, c's your x, y, z's or your p, d, q 's. Know your Role and
Shut your Mouth!
Next we come to his brother Ben. He has decided to call himself "The Game". Well
Gameboy The Rock says he is going to Lay the Smackdown on you and send your candyass back
to Japan.
That goes for Canadians as well. If the IMC's new rookie gets in the way he will
wake up in Quebec with a Brahma Bull tatoo on his backside.
We also have a new group in IMC called "The Ewoks". You want to know what The Rock
thinks about Ewoks? The Rock wipes his ass with Ewoks!
Looking at the field that leaves two Jabronies, Tweedledum and Tweedledumber. First
we have Jon our Sportsman of last year who played by the rules. Well spot it doesn't matter
if you play by the rules!
In last, and The Rock means last, we have Steve. The man who would be late to his
own funeral. The Rock has a room reserved for you at the Smackdown Hotel.
Anyone else who might show up will simply be run over by the Brahma Bull. Because
after all the dust has settled after all the smoke has cleared from the playing field only
the most electrifying player in croquet today will be the IMC champion. If you smell what
The Rock is cooking!
Alan has always been known as a "unique" dresser. The very fact he showed up last
year in a farmer outfit has shocked and appalled the league. But seeing that he was shutout
for votes in last year's Best Dressed category, ( Brandon beat Steve by a single vote) Alan
decided it was time to dress for success. But some think he has got too far and now borders
on looking like the most hideous thing on earth, The Backstreet Boys.
The signs where easy to spot: the silly hat, the snazzy clothes, and the constant
teenage female groupies. Or at least the want for female groupies.
Many in the league are amazed about Alan being "outed" as a B-Boy. Mike had this to
say about the newest Backstreet Boy, " I wish he would share the chicks with me."
The Ewoks heard enough of this talk and held a press conference. "It's a lie,"
Nathan told the press, "he is an Ewok," Since it was obviously better to be a three foot
tall Ewok as opposed to a rich babe magnet.
Alan tried to stop the rumor in his press statement," The rumor that I am a member
of the Backstreet Boys is wrong in one respect, I'm not gay."
So what will Alan show up as next time in his quest to be Best Dressed. A Backstreet
Boy, a farmer, or in a giant lemon suit. Only Alan knows.
