Experiencing a brief lull in my diva lifestyle, I trucked on down to the 2202 Oxygen Bar in San Francisco to check out the latest fad, which is uniting subcultures with a "hit" of flavored air.
The idea that I have a need for oxygen frightens me. I'm imagining something along the lines of a futuristic gas station, where I can fill up on oxygen. But upon arrival I can see that the oxygen bar bears more resemblance to an opium den.
The assortment of hipsters who're lounging about don't look doped up, though. How does it feel? How does it fee-eel? Bring me the menu. The flavors include lavender, sage, citrus, ylang ylang - I'm going to order a cocktail for the olfactory.
Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, in which you're inhaling 100% oxygen in a sealed environment, is used to treat divers suffering from "the bends". I make a mental note to come here to celebrate my next bad hangover.
In a typical oxygen bar, you're going to be inhaling purified air, around 85 percent of it oxygen. This oxygen blast is supposed to make you feel clearheaded. I think back. What is clear-headedness? Absence of thoughts? Maybe, feeling good enough to not want to think? Thinking anyway; I remember that geological studies performed on polar ice caps reveal that two to three hundred years ago, our ancestors breathed air that contained 38% oxygen. Today, studies find our atmosphere contains 19% oxygen. Do the math - we're running on half the oxygen our bodies require to function efficiently.
The "bartender" straps a clear tube on me, so I can inhale, eat, and talk, simultaneously. Unfortunately, the cord's not really long enough, and it's somewhat awkward. This gives me an idea: How about disposable cordless oxygen?! You'll pick it up at your corner grocery in an airtight packet covered with pictures of fruit or herbs. Pop in the straw and have a sterile single serving of Pear Supreme oxygenated air. And there would be seasonal cocktails, too, of course, like eggnog flavored oxygen at Christmas. Summer in a Bag for those who can't get away for vacation. Coffee flavored air for those who crave the smell of coffee, not necessarily the caffeine.
My cocktail includes lavender essence. Lost in dreams of infomercials (where I will finally get the national attention I deserve), I allow my escort to detach my tubing. For a moment, everything smells like flowers.
