LUFTHANSA:
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the
captain : "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that 
we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into 
the ocean".
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation 
but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies 
and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency 
and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the 
swimmers are on the right side of the plane". After this announcement 
all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's
request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the
ocean. The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and
Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers 
on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly 
swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side 
of > plane...>>>"-Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
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BRITISH AIRWAYS: 
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.
On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard 
British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently 
flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you! 
look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will 
observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of 
the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has 
fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's 
me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is 
a recorded message."

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DELTA AIRLINES:
At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding 
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address 
system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 
570 will board from Gate 41." 
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. 
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 
would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-
on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling 
down, the public address voice spoke "Thank you for participating in 
Delta's physical fitness program."