Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I
need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing
on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on
my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table...then said,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three guys, a Nebraskan, a Texan and an Okie are out walking
together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
Pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's
three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Nebraskan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever
fertile in Nebraska." With a blink of the Genie's eye,
'FOOM' the land in Nebraska was forever made fertile for
farming.

The Texan was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Texas, so that no foreigners can come into our precious
state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF'
there was a huge wall around Texas.

The Okie asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about
150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the
state. Nothing can get in or out."

The Okie says, "Fill it up with water."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change
me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours
of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine
arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock
market." "Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time
trying to change you." "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she
just isn't good enough for me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent,
suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.

"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just
a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same
question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across er belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the
corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.
Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phone Fun

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my
roomwatching television when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

A girl's voice came over the line.

"Can I speak to Ben, please?"

It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a
message?"

"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end...a confused silence.

"Is this Steve?"

My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a
wrong number.

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"

"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me
to call him..." she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour
ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean...who is she?"

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to
leave a message for Ben?"

"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I
could hear her temper flaring.

"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"

She exploded this time. "Who's Jennifer?"

Apparently she wasn't.

"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I
thought you were her. Sorry...it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that
Alice called him and that I'm Very Upset and that I would
Like Him to Call Me as Soon As He Gets Home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't
going to like this..."

" Click "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"

Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down
and stop,I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes
out his nightstick and starts beating the shit out of the guy and
says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One
guy says to the other,

"Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly,
takes off his glasses and asks,

"What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty
interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A
horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff. But the deer
excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of
dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York
City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter
noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a
nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at
which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are
all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands
to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and
says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying
out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,
"Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies
come from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Jewish father was troubled by the way his
son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi
about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a
very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune
to educate him. Then he tells me last week he
has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where
did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi.
"Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith,
put him through University, cost me a fortune,
then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to
become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to
God for the answer" replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~