| The Perfect School Education as we know it has its priorities all wrong. Today�s teenagers are not interested in an education based on such outdated principles as �integrity,� �respect,� and �responsibility.� This ill-conceived doctrine, aside from being too outrageous to expect students to follow, has led to many problems which have caused today�s youth to resent school. Students were expected to attend class and were encouraged to do so in a timely manner, all in the name of �personal responsibility� and �respect for the faculty.� Vandalism, curse words, Hooters shirts and other forms of self-expression were also deemed �disrespectful� and inappropriate for school. These injustices have forced me to come up with a more suitable set of priorities. A) Socialize. Every school recognizes that social skills are important later in life for interaction with friends, family, co-workers, employers, and mates. Therefore, I propose that we give students every possible opportunity to hone their socialization skills to perfection. If this means skipping school or talking during class, so be it. The needs of the student should be our highest concern. To accommodate the students� social needs, students will select classes not by subject matter or level of difficulty, but by which courses their friends are taking. For ambitious students, options like �honor� courses will be open to them. They won�t be challenged much more than regular students, but will be in a group with students who, like them, like to think that they�re more intelligent than the masses. To further promote socialization, the hallways will be narrowed. This will stop the flow of students and encourage loitering. Student lounges will also be provided to give students a place to �hang out� when they�d prefer not to go to class. B) Be Comfortable. Students cannot be expected to enjoy school if it isn�t pleasant. School should be made as comfortable as possible for all students. Traditional chairs and desks will be abandoned in favor of Laz-E-Boy recliners, couches, and beds. If a class is too early, students need not attend. In addition, teachers will be more accommodating and refrain from holding classes during the ungodly hours before eleven o�clock. Comfort also encompasses dress code. The current restrictions on attire are outrageously puritan: these are teenagers of the twenty-first century we are dealing with, not the Amish. Stifling rules requiring covered shoulders, backs, and midriffs will be abolished in favor of a more liberal code: wear whatever you want. The students� comfort and freedom of self-expression are paramount, so they should be free to wear spaghetti strap tank tops, short shorts, and whatever else makes them happy. They can come to school naked if they choose; if they do, we encourage students to complain about how cold the school is. C) Ensure the Continuation of the Species. Hundreds of thousands of children are born every day. Most of these kids, however, are born into poverty (primarily in third world countries) and are merely a burden on the world economy. The world needs a good supply of educated, moneyed children to shoulder the economic burden of the poor children living abroad. How can one accomplish such a task? Encourage breeding. I am not suggesting that we encourage teenage pregnancies; that would be obscene. However, we do need to ensure that students have the proper skills necessary to find an acceptable mate, marry, breed, and divorce, if necessary. To promote this goal, PDA (Public Display of Affection) will not be tolerated in the halls. Instead, special rooms will be provided for this purpose. Approximately one room for every six students will be needed, as at any given time not every member of the student body will have a significant other, and for all those who are dating, one room will accommodate two students. Another area that needs modification is the current model for the high school music program. As we known it, music simply does not interest students any more. Sousa, Mozart, and Bach are so pass�. To boost student interest in music, modern musical greats will take the place of these dinosaurs, and the works of Ja Rule, Britney Spears, DMX and Shakira will fill school auditoriums everywhere. Even more outdated than Mozart, is the idea of homework. It is completely outrageous to give students work to do outside of school. Teachers have no right to interfere with students� social lives in such a manner. Therefore, teachers will be encouraged not to assign homework. However, if they do insist on giving students homework, the students shall be given ample time to copy the answers from their friends during class. For a page of addition and subtraction problems, for example, the students will require an hour, and a three-page essay for English (being so outlandishly long, teachers assigning such rubbish will be reprimanded) will require at least one month of class time. One of the biggest faults with school is not the music program or homework, but the current method of teaching. Teachers are simply not enough to keep the interest of teenagers who are used to flashy, eye-catching forms of media like television and the Internet. After toying with several ideas �replacing teachers with brightly colored puppets or televisions with animated characters�I decided that the best course of action would be to keep the current teachers, as it would be too costly to replace them totally. In order to make these teachers more effective and attention grabbing, they would be required to wear baboons on their heads during all classes. Why baboons, you ask? Studies show that because of their brightly colored posteriors, teenagers prefer baboons to other monkeys. Baboons also have the distinct advantage of being among the cleanest species of monkeys. I humbly offer this suggestion to the education community and hope that superintendents and principals will seriously consider my suggestion. It may seem drastic, but how else can we expect to provide these children with any sort of education? They act like uncivilized, uncultured, depraved, irresponsible, disrespectful, apathetic, unmotivated monsters. We have no choice but to treat them thusly. |