How to Make Up a
Ten-Point Gap
My first election song, performed on ABC Local Radio
Brisbane on 18 October 2007, imagining a conversation between Prime Minister
John Howard and Treasurer Peter Costello about how to make up a long standing
deficit in opinion polls leading up to the 2007 election.
Link to ABC website: www.abc.net.au/brisbane/stories/s2067214.htm
(spoken)
PC: Hi John
JH: Hi Peter
PC: Have you seen
these poll figures? We’re ten points behind!
JH: Ten points behind?
That’s easy to fix!
PC: How do we do it
John?
Well, you point to the economy, say “look what we’ve done”
than you promise lots of tax cuts for everyone
say the interest rates are lower and allay all their fears
and you promise full employment in a couple of years
The hip pocket’s bulging and barring mishap,
Yeah, that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
Yeah, that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
(spoken)
PC: That stuff doesn’t
work anymore, John. We’re still ten points behind.
JH: Still behind?
We’ll just get some more money!
PC: How do you do that
John?
Well, you sell off Telstra for a cheaper bill
so you can fund a green policy and build a pulp mill
And if the people in the bush are disaffected,
just say, “we’re here to listen once your phone’s connected”
Now settle down folks, don’t get yourselves in a flap
‘cause that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
Ooh, that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
(spoken)
PC: It’s working John.
We’re only 7 points behind now.
JH: Hmm, we still need
some new voters.
PC: Should we tell
them about WorkChoices, John?
JH: What, are you
nuts?!
PC: Well, where are
you going to get new voters from then?
Well, you take over the hospitals to make ‘em the same
and you deport every doctor with an Indian name
you help the Aborigines whose health is cursed
then you promise them a vote on whether they were here first
and if we vote ‘no’, then we take the help back
and that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
Yeah, that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
(spoken)
PC: John, they love
it. We’re only 3 points behind now.
JH: We still need more
policies.
PC: More policies,
John?
JH: Yes, more policies, Peter.
PC: What have you got?
Well, you make a test for migrants to get their ticket,
half about convicts and half about cricket
You give ‘em the answers to the questions they missed
then you dump ‘em in the ‘burbs and forget they exist
Then the nation’s united and everyone’s hap(py)
that’s how you make up a ten-point gap(py)
That’s how you make up a ten-point gap
(spoken)
PC: We’re just a point
behind, John. Keep going!
JH: I can’t think of
any more policies.
PC: Come on John,
you’ve got to.
JH: I’ve got no more
sane policies.
PC: But John, election
policies don’t have to be sane!
JH: Don’t they?
PC: No!
JH: Oh well, in that
case...
We’ll fill the Murray-Darling with a case of Merlot
and we’ll even get the Wallabies a good front row
We’ll replant the forests with... what’s it called... wood
Come on, admit it Australia, you’ve never had it so good!
The Treasury’s stuffed but I’m back on the map
and that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
yeah, that’s how you make up a ten-point gap
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