THE BALLAD OF GLENN AND RAMNARESH
Concerning an incident that occurred during a cricket Test match between the West Indies and Australia at St John’s, Antigua in March 2003.
Oh, let me tell a story.
Happen’d in two thousand three
‘cos you prob’ly didn’t see this
if you don’t get pay TV.
In faraway Antigua
met two very diff’rent men:
the regal midget Ramnaresh
and the giant moron Glenn.
Now Glenn was a mean fast bowler
with a stare from fiery Hell
with the lean body of a farmer
and the brains of one as well,
while Ramnaresh was Guyanese
of Indian descent.
As a batsman for the Windies
he played everywhere they went.
So play hard for your country
and wear your cap with pride
and if the game don’t go your
way
at least you’ll know you’ve
tried.
Take good luck as it comes to
you;
treat bad luck just the same
‘cos you may beat the other
team
but you’ll never beat the
game.
Big Glenn was bowling thunderbolts
and quickly found his rhythm
but Rammy stood up tall that day
and his captain stayed there with ‘im.
So Glenn strolled up to Rammy
who came just up past his waist
and gestured to Rammy’s captain, saying,
“How does his cock taste?”
Well Ramnaresh was gobsmacked
but he would not let that show,
so he counted to ten and said, “Hey Glenn,
maybe your wife would know!”
Now Glenn was not the sharpest tool
to be found in the shed,
so he turned and yelled, “I’ll get you...
... once I’ve worked out what you said!”
So play hard for your country
and wear your cap with pride
and if the game don’t go your
way
at least you’ll know you’ve
tried.
Take good luck as it comes to
you;
treat bad luck just the same
‘cos you may beat the other
team
but you’ll never beat the
game.
Eventually, Glenn’s light came on
and manners jumped the fence.
Big Glenn screamed out: “(here follows a very long diatribe from Glenn, all of which is bleeped out)”
which didn’t make no sense.
The umpire asked, “What’s wrong, Big Glenn?”
“He called my wife a whore!
He knows that she’s got cancer!
I can’t take this anymore!”
The umpire turned to Ramnaresh,
“Well, he called me a bugger!
That’s not the wisest tactic
when your captain’s nicknamed ‘Tugga’!”
The umpire thought a moment
and he pondered what he’d learned.
Said he, “I’m sorry ‘bout your wife
but what he said, you earned.”
So play hard for your country
and wear your cap with pride
and if the game don’t go your
way,
it’s not like someone died.
And if you lose your marbles,
go hang your head in shame
‘cos you may beat the other
team
but you’ll never beat the
game.
So Rammy, Brian and Shivnarine
bat in that blazing sun
and when the dust had settled,
those West Indians had won.
Every ballad has a moral
and this one’s been revealed:
(spoken): Glenn, if you can’t take a beating,
best you not take the field.
and give this game away
and I hope to see your Baggy
Green
for auction on eBay.
You say it’s sporting nature
but that excuse is lame
‘cos you could play the other
team
but you couldn’t play the
game.
So play hard for your country
and wear your cap with pride
and if the game don’t go your
way
at least you’ll know you’ve
tried.
Take good luck as it comes to
you;
treat bad luck just the same
‘cos you may beat the other
team
but you’ll never beat the game.
- Daniel Viles (31 July 2004)
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