David Beckham is the
Perfect Modern Male
Below are Daniel’s notes for his
argument in the Five Good Reasons debate on ABC Local Radio
David Beckham is the perfect modern male. If you disagree, it's because you are probably not perfect, certainly not modern, but definitely male.
1. Everyone who is modern is misunderstood by their own
generation. In the future, everyone will look, dress and sound like David
Beckham. It is we mere mortals who are too far behind to see what is going on.
In his day, Vincent van Gogh was known to the art world as “the fingerpainter”,
now a modern genius. The Bee Gees were daggy disco dudes, now not only they are
in the songwriter’s hall of fame, but disco has been through two revivals
since. When Spencer Howson first launched the spencil, it was being recommended
by ENT specialists as an ear wax remover. Now they are not only
2. In the modern world, celebrity is what matters. The young
David Beckham knew that he couldn’t sing, dance or act, but he could kick a
ball like no-one in his tenement housing estate could. This was his ticket to
celebrity. Football is the most popular game in the world. Football is watched
and played by people all over the world. It cuts across language barriers. It’s
easy to understand. The team in red wants the ball in that goal up there; the
team in blue wants the ball in that goal over there. He has played for three
clubs: the two richest and most popular clubs in the world (Manchester United
and Real Madrid) and the club geographically closest to
3. In the modern world, men must be metrosexual. The man who invented the term ‘metrosexual’ named David Beckham as the ultimate example. Now, a heterosexual is in love with someone of the opposite sex; a homosexual is in love with someone of the same sex. Who is a metrosexual in love with? Well, look at the first two letters of the word ‘metrosexual’; if you ask a metro who he’s in love with, that will be your answer. In this age of psychotherapy and self-help, this is merely a natural extension of the idea that it’s important to have a good relationship with yourself before you can love someone else. And before you deride that idea, have a look at his marriage: it’s actually working. He’s had a couple of alleged flings but by celebrity standards, he’s still coming in under par. He’s got three healthy children, he manages to move from country to country without disrupting the family unit. We may not like to admit it, but in this age of renewed family values, his marriage, based on the twin values of metrosexuality and vacuity, is more successful than most today. If you support family values, you must agree that David Beckham is the perfect modern male.
4. David Beckham has an almost Roly Sussex-like interest in languages. Oh, he hasn’t bothered to learn them. His command is English wouldn’t cut it in most kindergartens. But that was the old way to be interested in languages. The modern way is to show your interest in languages through tattoos. David Beckham has more languages written on his body that he is actually able to speak (his wife’s name is written on his body in Hindi; there is a verse from the Song of Songs written in Hebrew; all of his children’s names are tattooed on his back, namely Brooklyn (American), Romeo (Italian) and Cruz (Spanish); he also has phrases in Latin and the Roman numeral XII, which was his shirt number at Manchester United. David Beckham may not be a Renaissance man, but he certainly has Renaissance skin. If you can’t speak as many languages as David Beckham has on his skin, you must agree that he is the perfect modern male.
5. Finally, English sport went through a bit of a
Renaissance itself recently. They won back the Ashes, they won the Rugby World
Cup; their cheese-rolling and bog-snorkelling was the envy of the world. But,
David Beckham, being at heart a traditionalist, has restored
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