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| Fan Fiction Archive |
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| The Importants of Being Eberts Transcribed by Nobodysgirl |
| Darien Voice over: A downtown guy named Billy Joel said that there's this face that we have that we hide away and we take out when everyone's gone. He called 'the stranger', which�pretty much sums up the guy we're lookin� for. Fawkes: So where�d you get the tip about this guy? [Darien and Bobby are walking on the sidewalk outside a building. There are people out and about in an outside caf�.] Hobbes: Hobbesnet. Fawkes: What�s that? Hobbes: Hobbesnet. That�s my web of contacts. Fawkes: You�ve given it a code name. Hobbes: Hobbesnet spins many agencies. Young world, military, Spec warfare, Black Ops, Covert Ops, Seal Team Six. I got friends, my friend. Fawkes: Oh yeah? I remember last you almost got us both killed. Hobbes: It�s a tip. It�s solid. Fawkes: Hobbes, it�s a tip or trap. That�s what makes the stakes even worse. [Overhead shot of Darien and Bobby inside the building.] Fawkes: Hey, tell me something�ok? Why would a computer hacker hide out in a nice place like this bustlin� with people? Hobbes: This isn�t bustlin�. Fawkes. Fawkes: Oh oh it�s bustling. Yeah, let me tell you somethin�, all right? These guys? They operate in abandoned warehouses, all right? Not corporate parks. Hobbes: Fawkes, You gotta stop watching cable. Fawkes: You like cable? Hobbes: That�s your problem. You think we�re dealin� with an amateur here? The guy has hacked into the agency * twice*. You think he hasn�t thought what we�re thinkin�? [Bobby walks away. Darien follows.] Fawkes: What are we thinking? Hobbes: (under breath) The hall we walked up is too obvious. [Bobby enters the stairwell. Darien looks down the hall. Hobbes� hand grabs Darien�s shoulder and pulls him inside. They climb stairs.] Hobbes: Chocolate�s * warm*. Fawkes: You like the chocolate. Hobbes: Yeah. Fawkes: The chocolate�It�s�it�s a banana�all right? It�s not a * chocolate* split, it�s a banana split. Hobbes: Yeah, but I like warm chocolate. I like warm things in my mouth- Fawkes: (groans) Oh, that�s nice. (upbeat) I�d really like the cherry. [We see six computer towers on the floor with cables attatched. They enter the room. Bobby opens his coat revealing his gun. He pulls it. Darien shuts the door behind them.] Fawkes: Well, this is hardly obvious. [Bobby makes hand signals telling Darien their plan. There are cubicles in the room. Hobbes holds gun ready and walks around. Darien holds his hand like a gun and quicksilvers. Darien looks into a room. He sees someone typing rapidly on the keyboard. The person runs out of the room as Darien approaches. He unquicksilvers and meets Hobbes in the hallway.] Fawkes: Blond guy, satin jacket, red hat. [They chase him. The hat is found. Pan up to Fawkes and Hobbes.] Fawkes: Well he�s a blond guy satin jacket, ok? [They move to outside. Darien finds the jacket and picks it up.] Fawkes: He�s a blond guy! Hobbes: Hmm. [They split up. Darien finds a blond wig in a potted plant.] Hobbes: Fawkes! Fawkes, where�d he go? (He sees that there�s nothing left to do) All right, federal agents! Everybody freeze! Federal agents! You�re all under arrest! Everybody don�t move. Don�t move! Drop that spork ma�am! Drop that! [Intro clips and music.] Darien Voice over: There once was a story about a man who could turn invisible. I thought it was only a story� until it happened to me. Ok, here's how it works. There's this stuff called quicksilver that can bend light. Now my brother and some scientists made it into a synthetic gland. That's where I came in. See, I was facing life in prison, they were lookin� for a human experiment. So, we made a deal. They put the gland in my brain, and I walk free. Yeah well, the operation was a success�but that's when everything started to go wrong. [<Commercial Break> The Official�s office. Fawkes and Hobbes are seated. The Official paces. Eberts stands left of Hobbes.] Official: I have * never*�never in my thirty-eight years in this business seen a more egregious lack of judgement! Hobbes: Well sir, there * was* the time I did fall off the fire escape sir. Fawkes: Yeah I remember Hobbes had busted that under cover navy stunt. Hobbes: And Fawkes had let that contagious old woman out of Lab two. Fawkes: (mumbles something) Official: Enough. Our computers were breached again last night. Not only did you fail to apprehend this menace but you placed fifty innocent I- T professionals under house arrest. Eberts: Sir, may I make a suggestion? Official: Shut up Eberts. (mumbles) He is a�(To Eberts) All right Eberts, what? Eberts: Well not to be overly critical, but using such old school methods that Hobbes is accustomed to in gathering tips simply don�t cut it against today�s high tech criminal. Hobbes: Oh ho! Well the master of field experience speaks. Tell us Eberts since you�re so freakin� * brilliant*�How would you catch this�high tech criminal? Eberts: A more effective methodology would be to identify the�hacker�s idiosyncracies�(sits next to Fawkes) Well, for example�How often does he run a port scan? What pings has been successful against our server? Does he use an IP masquerading software or does he employ more insidious means? Hobbes: Nerd. Official: Hm. I think you�re right Bobby. Eberts! You�re on the case with these two. Eberts/ Fawkes/ Hobbes: What? Official: You heard me. Eberts: But sir I in *no* way meant to presume that I should be part of this- Hobbes: Sir, sir! I apologize. This is all my fault. I was emotional, I got angry. It was a slip of the tongue. I apologize. Official: There�s no need to apologize. Hm? None at all. No, I think it�s a good idea. Eberts is fully trained in field work and he just passed his annual physical. Isn�t that right? Eberts: Well, technically yes sir but- Official: Shut up, Eberts. Hobbes: Sir, it�s really- Official: Shut up, Hobbes. [The Official looks at Darien who puts his finger to his mouth in silence. Bobby and Darien are in the hall.] Hobbes: Mark my words, Fawkes. This does not end well. Fawkes: Ah, that�s not that bad. The guy does know his computers. Hobbes: There�s no backspace in combat, my friend. He�s a liability. Fawkes: (stops) Did you just say there�s no backspace in combat? Hobbes: You know what really gets me? Fawkes: Tell me. Hobbes: The little weasel was only * pretending* he didn�t want the assignment. Did you see the way his eyes lit up? Fawkes: Yeah. It�s called fear. Hobbes: Deep down every pencil pusher wants his day in the sandbox with the real men! Fawkes: Ok. You * really* should embroider some of these sayings and put them on a pillow. (Bobby walks off.) What do you say? Hm? What-you could sell them on Hobbesnet. I�m serious! [Golda moving down the street. Eberts, Fawkes, and Hobbes are in the van. Eberts is holding a computer printout.] Eberts: Well, according to this data, our hacker has some very clever ways of disguising his identity. Hobbes: Supposed to�the stupid ones? Eberts: First, he logs on to about twelve servers. Then he issues the �ping of death�, which usurped a different network. Fawkes: Oh boy, not the �ping of death�. Hobbes: He�s making it up, Fawkes. Eberts: Oh, I�m afraid not Robert. Hobbes: You are so full of it, all right? Eberts: You see the ping of death, quite simply put, is a bombardment of a request to a server, usually on the order of about fifty thousand. [Bobby rolls down the window. The papers fly out. Eberts scrambles to retrieve them.] Eberts: The uh then bombarded server then attempts to usurp the other server and break down the firewall- Hobbes: (like he can�t hear) How�s that? Eberts: As I said- Hobbes: What? Eberts: Uh uh they�re they�re get-getting out of order�uh� [Bobby breaks Golda and runs over the sidewalk curb. Eberts falls backwards.] Fawkes: What is this? Fourth grade? Hobbes: Why? There was a bump in the road I had � Fawkes: So where are we going to find this network in question? Eberts: Well, we�ll find them- Hobbes: At the caf�? Eberts: (unpleasantly surprised) That�s right. How-how did you know that? Hobbes: The old fashioned way, Eberts. Fawkes: You earned it? Hobbes: (holds up receipts) These receipts were in the pockets. Fawkes: You found those in the pocket? Hobbes: That�s riight. Fawkes: You see I would have never thought to look in the- Hobbes: Well, I�m not as experienced as that. [Nightime outside �World Wide Well� caf� sign. Inside of the caf� there are people and music plays. The manager walks up to meet Bobby.] Hobbes: How ya doin�? We�re government agents. (He flashes his badge.) I�d like to ask you a few questions please? Manager: All right, can I see that badge again? Fawkes: Hey look, you�re not in any trouble in there. We just need a little information. Manager: (laughs) Department of Health and Human Services? Yeah, we passed the health code. It�ll be ready. Hobbes: Congratulations. These computers here are they all linked up together? Manager: Of course. Hobbes: Oh really? Manager: Oh yeah. Hobbes: Huh? Anybody come in here� and you know�run a little port masquerade? Play a little ping pong�ah? Pong of death? Manager: Would you mind tellin� me what this is about? Hobbes: You know what this is Fawkes: Hey, uh�Bobby, Bobby you about, my friend. (To Fawkes) are doin� a great job�come on Eberts He knows exactly what this is Eberts, you want to- ? about�Am I wrong?�Ha? Eberts: We uh have reason to believe that your network was utilized to compromise our company system. Manager: Well, that�s a pretty serious claim. You have evidence to support it? Eberts: I did. It�s classified. Manager: Well, that�s too bad. Eberts: Have you recently looked at your log files? Manager: I check �em all the time. Why? Eberts: If it�s possible, we�d like to take a few minutes and look at those log files. Manager: Are you kidding? You�re not touching my machines. Hobbes: Hey listen, we did not come down here to chit chat my friend, all right? I advise you to cooperate. Manager: Is that a threat? Hobbes: Yeah�well, no. Fawkes: Nonononono. He�s just�you know appealing to your sense of- Hobbes: of citizenship! Fawkes: Exactly. Manager: Well, you know, since you put it that way�you guys got a warrant? (He waits) Yeah. I didn�t think so. I�ll tell you what? Why don�t you guys grab a cyber latte�? On the house. Yeah, we�ll make it (he makes a fist) to go. [They exit. The manager watches them leave. Overhead shot of Fawkes, Hobbes and Eberts walking.] Eberts: Uh what-what are we doin� here? Hobbes: What do you think we doin�? We came to see those files. That�s what we�re going to do Eberts. Eberts: But the manager�s correct. Without a warrant we simply don�t have the jurisdiction to- Hobbes: (laughs) He wants a warrant. Fawkes: Sir, a warrant. Can I get a warrant? Can I-can I get two warrants please? Eberts: Robert let me remind you that under the Agency�s bylaws we are strictly prohibited- Fawkes: Eberts�Why do you think they picked an ex-con to be the next invisible man? Hm? Did you think that was a coincedence? Eberts: Well technically your only option would�(makes the realization) You mean to use the gland illegally? (frozen, almost childlike) We need to report it? Fawkes: Let�s just keep that our little secret, shall we? [He wraps his arm around Eberts and they quicksilver.] Eberts: Holy Toledo! I�m invisible. Fawkes: He didn�t just say- Hobbes: He said it. He said it? Fawkes: He said it? Eberts: I�m invisible! Hobbes: All right Fawkes. Just do me now come on�Go ahead do me. Fawkes: No. That�s a negative. Hobbes: Come on! What? You�re takin� Eberts you�re leavin� me? Fawkes: Yeah. I mean he�s the computer guy and I�m the guy that goes insane if I use too much quicksilver? Huh, remember that? Hey. Don�t worry buddy, we�ll call you if we need you. [The door opens. Hobbes curses as the door shuts, leaving him outside.] Hobbes: Computer guy, pompous little teacher�s pet�little brown-noser! Fawkes: Ok. There we go. [Eberts and Fawkes unquicksilver.] Eberts: (astonished) Wow! Oh! That was incredible! Fawkes: I get that a lot. Eberts: I never realized it felt like that I I mean Fawkes: Why don�t we have that little does it always feel like that? Eberts:It was cold Darien: but chat on the way back right now we got Eberts: �then it was warm and I didn�t realize that it Darien: work to do�Ok, there ya go� Eberts:(He sits and types) I didn�t�How would it be flaky like that? Eberts: Uh oh. Fawkes: What? Eberts: Well�either he hasn�t logged in today or he�s using a different network. Fawkes: (feels cheated) I thought you said we could find him from these files. Eberts: Well�we can but until he logs in we can�t track him. But�given his past pattern, I�m sure it won�t be long now. Fawkes: Oh you just want to sit here and wait? Is that it? Eberts: Well why not? If anyone comes in, we can always just�shoom! Fawkes: What? Eberts: Shoom� Fawkes: What show? Eberts: Be gone. Fawkes: Oh sure, hey�if you don�t mind being locked up with a raving lunatic. (They look at each other. He shows Eberts his tattoo.) Another little secret for you, Eberts. The rest of that turns red�I become a * very* bad boy. [Eberts types. Someone grabs Darien from behind. He gets thrown onto the ground.] Fawkes: Oh! [Eberts fights. Darien quicksilvers. Eberts knocks a guy to the ground then gets hit in the back of the head. Invisible Darien punches out two guys. A rack of shelving falls over. Darien unquicksilvers, strutting.] Fawkes: Hey, buddy�you ok there? Very nice! Yeah that was not bad. You got some moves there. Hobbes: (enters) What the hell�s goin� on here? Fawkes: We got caught. It happens. Let�s get outta here. [Eberts stands. They exit. <Commercial Break> We see an overhead shot of the office with the Official at the desk. Eberts, Fawkes, and Hobbes are seated.] Official: Seventy-five hundred dollars in damages�still no hacker. Will somebody please explain to me�how this happened? Eberts: Certainly sir. Fawkes and I entered the back of the establishment invisibly of course- Official: Not you, Eberts. Eberts: Why not me? Official: (can�t believe what he�s hearing) Because I said so. Eberts: Oh. All right. Official: Fawkes. Fawkes: Hm? Official: How did they detect your presence? Fawkes: I don�t know. I mean actually it was kinda like Eberts was sayin� you know we uh went invisible, snuck in checked out the computer. The next thing I know- Eberts: They jumped us. There were four of them in my estimation�uh I was struck from behind. Hobbes: Uh�that�s a negative, sir. There were only three of �em�the manager and the two meatheads. Eberts: (smiles) There were three that we * know* of. However if you reconstruct the events- Hobbes: Shut up, Eberts. Eberts: Sir it should be pointed out that a fourth assailant could have very well have *alerted* them. But that�s just a theory. Official: Uh huh? Fawkes: Hey. Eberts, where would this fourth guy come from? Eberts: He could have watched us walk down the back alley. Hobbes: Nape. Nope. That�s a negative. I had that immediate vicinity locked down sir sealed tighter that a brown�s ass. Eberts: Nonetheless, I think it would be prudent for us to check it out just in case. Hobbes: Check out what Eberts? Some guy you never saw? Fawkes: Yeah. Eberts yeah really I don�t think there was a fourth dude there man. Eberts: There had to be! How did I get this bump on my head? Hobbes: You fainted. Happens to all greenhorns out first time out in real world operations. Eberts: I did not * faint*�Hobbes. Hobbes: Oh you fainted oh sure you fainted. Yep. Standard routine Code Red. Official: All right. All right. That�s enough. We don�t have time to quibble over details. Eberts, check in with the Keeper. Check about that bump. Do it now. [Dissatisfied, Eberts quietly stands. His chair rolls back. Eberts leaves the office.] Official: If this hacker isn�t apprehended within twenty-four hours, this agency will close. Hobbes: Well sir who�s gonna shut it down- Official: I am. So far the hacker hasn�t been able to penetrate our most secret files, but the IT guys say that the longer we stay up and running, the better chance he has of getting * in*. Fawkes: Hm. So why don�t you just shut down the computers, you know? Why the whole kit and kaboodle. Official: Because the computers * run* the whole kit and kaboodle. Fawkes: Ah. Official: Communications, scheduling, payroll, mission status, research and investigation- Hobbes: (has reached his saturation point) Yeah. Ok. Ok. Official: Now if we shut down the computers we shut down * everything*. Fawkes: Yeah but not the�you know�counteragent production, right? (somber) Right? Official: Twenty-four�hours. Fawkes: Let�s get back out there. [Bobby and Darien are in the hall walking.] Hobbes: I am going to say it again. This is not going to end well, Fawkes. Fawkes: Tell me about it. There once was a time when I thought that the Agency being shut down was a * good* thing- Hobbes: Fawkes, I am not talkin� about that. I am talkin� about Eberts. Fawkes: What about him? Hobbes: Oh you didn�t think it was a little * strange* the way he was acting back there? Fawkes: He got hit in the head. He was a little punchy. Hobbes: Fawkes! How about when the Official told him to shut up? Fawkes: No. What? Hobbes: Oh, you didn�t see. Fawkes: No. I didn�t see. Hobbes: He didn�t shut up. He didn�t. He always shuts up when the Official tell him to shut up he�s like a little trained poodle but not * today* oh ho no�I�m telling ya today is different, my friend. Fawkes: You know I�ve never really cared enough to ask before but�w-what is this little feud with you and Eberts? I mean you guys are snapping at each other like a couple of bitchy high school girls. Hobbes: Ah no. Fawkes: What? Is there some history with you or somethin�? Hobbes: Th-They�I don�t know. I don�t like the guy. Fawkes: Why? Hobbes: I don�t like �im. He�s got that name�Eberts. I mean he�s like a little a little�Eberts. It makes you just want to (makes bash in head movement and sound). Fawkes: Oh, so your hate is just completely irrational. I got it. Hobbes: No but Fawkes�Fawkes! * This* is * different*. Fawkes: All right. * How* is this different? Hm? Hobbes: All right. You remember a while back we thought we had a leak here at the Agency? Fawkes: Sure. Hobbes: You remember that? Fawkes: Yeah. Hobbes: This is the leak. Only now we got the Mississippi river on our hands. Fawkes: Eberts is the leak. Hobbes: Wouldn�t it make sense that the little weasel is behind all this? Mister Computer Genius�Mister Anonymous�Mister Hover-over-the-Official�s-shoulder like that? Fawkes: Mister Shooter-in-the-grassy-knoll? Hobbes: He�d be makin� fun of me? Fawkes: Never. Hobbes: All right you�d better start takin� this seriously. Fawkes: The guy got hit in the head. Will you cut him some slack? Hobbes: Fawkes, I am being serious! Fawkes: Yeah I�d know. Uh�you know what? Um, I gotta get a shot. Um�why don�t you come by the Keep and then maybe you and Eberts we can just talk this whole thing out and then maybe we can skin Eberts alive, what do you say? Hobbes: Hey, Fawkes, I�m serious about this. [The Keep. Eberts sits in the examination chair with a blue ice pack on her head.] Eberts: Thanks for taking care of me. I-I really appreciate it. Keeper: Don�t be silly. It�s my job. Eberts: I had always wanted to see real action. I�m-I�m afraid I wssn�t very good at it. Keeper: Oh. Your talent is up here�(removes ice pack) Eberts. Eberts: Thanks. So is yours. Keeper: What are you talking about? I kick ass. [They laugh. She dabs his scalp with a cotton ball. He cringes.] Keeper: Oh, hey�all right�sorry. There�s just the tiniest speck of dirt. Eberts: Oh, that�s all right. I�ll get it later. Keeper: Ok look, this�ll only take a second. Eberts: No no really. [Eberts holds her hands. Darien and Bobby walk in.] Fawkes: Guys? [Eberts lets go of her hands.] Fawkes: I�m sorry for interrupting but uh I kinda need a shot here before I go insane. Eberts: It�s all right. We were just finished here. Keeper: No, not exactly. We need to do your hands. Eberts: Oh. Yes of course uh�go ahead. Give Fawkes a shot. I can wait. Fawkes: Gee. Thanks, Eberts. Keeper: What are you looking at me like that for? [Eberts strolls by the Keeper�s computer.] Fawkes: Ok, another shot�Don�t you get sick of this I mean� [Hobbes is watching Eberts from a distance. He looks at the aquarium.] Fawkes: If you could stay home you know relax watch the View�(She injects him with the counteragent.) Thanks Keep. Keeper: Sure. Fawkes: All right, Hobbes. Let�s get outta here�Hobbes? Hobbes: Yeah. (He is in front of the Bunson burner) Oh! It�s a wonder amount of science these things, huh?�little flame goes up and the�shades of blue. Fawkes: That�s great. Let�s go there, Mister Bunson. [Bobby looks back as Fawkes drags him out. Eberts winks at Bobby.] Fawkes: Oh, God! Hobbes: See that? Fawkes: Come on! Keeper: Ok, so you want to clean these wounds now�Eberts? Eberts. Eberts: Hm? Oh�sorry I uh�I just spaced out there for a second. Keeper: (laughs) Wake up! [Darien and Bobby are on the street corner.] Fawkes: Ok, will you just�ease down there little tiger, just relax� Hobbes: Will you listen we need to do a little invisible sneak and peek on our friendly traitor. Fawkes: Oh, God can we * please* change the subject. I am- Hobbes: You saw how he was tryin� to make time with the Keep? Did you not see that? I am telling you, Charlie Brown is a * spy*. Fawkes: Hobbes. She�s patching the guy up. He got smacked, ok? Hobbes: The Keep is an intelligent woman. (He rubs his forehead) How could she fall for that? Fawkes: You�re jealous! Hobbes: I�m not jealous. Fawkes: You are jealous! Hobbes: No I�m not. Fawkes: Yes you are! Hobbes: �Jealous. Fawkes: You are- you are jealous of Eberts, my friend. Hobbes: I�m not jealous, my friend. No�uh yeah�oh ho! Fawkes: You are! I�m lookin� at you right now. Hobbes: I look jealous to you? Fawkes: Yeah you look- Hobbes: All I�m just a little concerned for the welfare of my * comrades*. Fawkes: Oh, you mean you�re tellin� me that you have no feeling for her. Is that what you�re tryin� to say? Hobbes: Hay! Company pier! Fishin� off it. That is one of the things Bobby Hobbes does * not* do, all right? Fawkes: MmHm. Oh yeah, but you wanna fish�come on. Hobbes: No well� Fawkes: Come on� Hobbes: No actually no I�m not. Fawkes: You wanna fish. Come on, you wanna fish so bad. Hobbes: No fishing, ok? As long as I�m workin� here�we don�t go fishin�. Fawkes: Hmm. Man of principle. Hobbes: That�s right! Fawkes: Yeah, that�s ok�Eberts probably reelin� her in right now. Hobbes: He�s dead. Fawkes: I was joking. I was kidding. I was tryin� to be funny. Hobbes: Fawkes. This is no laughing matter, ok? First he doesn�t shut up, then he hits on the Keep, then y- you know he winks at me. Fawkes: He winked at you? Hobbes: He winked. Fawkes: He winked? Hobbes: He winked. He did a little winky�and I am tellin� you something is not right. Fawkes: Ok. Ok�say I do a little snooping around. You promise to hold off damaging Eberts? Hobbes: Ah, fine. Till you find what I�ll know you�ll find? Fine. After that, no promises. Fawkes: Ok, but what if I don�t find anything? Hobbes: Then seventeen years of experience and intuition has failed me. [Hobbes walks off. Darien smiles and shakes his head. Nightime. A taxi drives stops in front of a house.] Eberts: How much? Taxi Driver: Yeah, that�ll be fourteen thirty. Eberts: Do you have change for a twenty? Taxi Driver: Oh yeah, thanks a lot. [Eberts walks inside the house. Quicksilver vision of Eberts entering the house.] Fawkes: Ok, here�oh�oh! [Eberts removes his jacket. The window opens. Quicksilver vision of the living room. Eberts changes clothes. He sits on the bed to fix his shoes. Eberts�s place is a mess. Invisible Darien sniffs some milk and finds it has gone sour. Eberts walks through the home. Quicksilver vision of Eberts leaving the house. Darien unquicksilvers in the bathroom and checks his hair. He sees something flesh colored and wet in the wastebasket. Eberts enters the Keep. He holds a device and attaches it to the computer tower under the Keeper�s desk. A red light blinks. <Commercial Break> Pan up from the blinking light to the Keeper on the computer.] Fawkes: Hey. Keeper: Hey! Fawkes: You got a second? Keeper: Yep! What�s up? Fawkes: I got a question. It�s about Eberts. Keeper: Oh, did Bobby send you? You know what? This is ridiculous- Fawkes: No no Claire, Claire. He did * not* send me. Actually, I-I�d prefer you don�t say anything. He�s already sensitive to it. Keeper: Say anything about what? Fawkes: Ah�You notice the way Eberts been actin� lately? Keeper: Well, yeah, I mean it looks like field work�s had a very positive effect on him. Fawkes: Yeah. You don�t think there�s anything wrong with him? You know like mentally�physically�psychologically? Anything like that? Keeper: No. I mean he�s suffered some head trauma but h-he seems to be doing fine. Why? Fawkes: Um�boy if I�m going to have to say this I guess I just better say it. We think Eberts is a spy. In fact, we think he might be the hacker. Keeper: (slowly taking it all in) Wow. That�s a very serious accusation. Fawkes: Well�I followed him home last night. Did a little snoopin� around. It was weird. His place was a wreck, you know, unopened mail, clothes everywhere, nasty rotten food in the fridge. That sort of thing? Keeper: Eberts. Fawkes: That�s what I�m sayin�. Keeper: He irons his underwear. (Darien looks at her) Well I-he * seems* like the sort who would. Fawkes: Yeah well it looked to me like could skipped out at any minute. And the really weird part was he took off almost as soon as we got there. It was ten after midnight Claire, all right? Where�s Eberts gone at ten after midnight? You tell me. Keeper: (stumped) A rave? (laughs nervously) Sorry. Fawkes: Uh yeah uh�I got a little present for you. I also found that. Keeper: (looks) Chicken breast? Fawkes: I don�t think so. (Keeper sniffs inside the bag.) It was in his bathroom. Keeper: (recoils) Oh! All right�um�Well I�ll run some tests on it. Fawkes: All right. Thank you. Keeper: You�re welcome. Bye. [Fawkes exits. Hobbes meets him in the hall.] Hobbes: Fawkes! I am on the case bro. I got a tip. Warehouse corner seven o�clock new lead. Fawkes: Wait. Really�someone from Hobbesnet, huh? Hobbes: Eberts. Fawkes: Eberts. Hobbes: Ah ha ha! Fawkes: Is he coming along? Hobbes: No. Didn�t I say? Fawkes: No. Hobbes: Bobby Hobbes is on the case my friend. I told the fat man in so many words I don�t trust Eberts, right? And I don�t want to be following any of his damn leads. Fawkes: Really? Hobbes: That�s right. Fawkes: Then the fat man said to do as you were told. Hobbes: That�s affirmative. Fawkes: So I�ll ask again. Why isn�t Eberts coming? Hobbes: Because after the fat man told me to do as I�m told I told him you know �No problem I would�, all right? �But not if Eberts comes along.� Fawkes: And you agreed to that? Hobbes: No. But Eberts agreed with * me*. Said he didn�t wanna come! Ha? Fawkes: Wow. Way to be on the case- Hobbes: That�s right. Fawkes: Uh look I�m beggin� you�ok? Take the pills. Alright? Hobbes: It�s a good lead Fawkes�I�m tellin� ya. [Bobby pops his meds. Golda pulls up outside the building. Fawkes and Hobbes exit.] Fawkes: This is it? Hobbes: I don�t know. Fawkes: All right excuse me. I don�t see a warehouse or a corner. Hobbes: What I want to know�is why Eberts didn�t want to come along. Fawkes: I hate to tell you this buddy, but you�re not exactly a pleasant work environment. Hobbes: He didn�t wanna come because I�m on to him. That�s why! Punk! I mean look at this look at this�You tell me this isn�t going to be another big fat zero. I don�t like traitors, Fawkes. Brutus, Benedict Arnold, Judas Itchariot�these are not my heroes there. Fawkes: It�s Iscariot. Hobbes: Huh? Fawkes: Never mind. [They search around. Hobbes leads with a flashlight. They come across some computer stuff and lots of cables.] Fawkes: How�s that for you big fat zero, huh? (They go upstairs) Wow, these are pretty. Wow�this is-this is not good. I�m tellin� ya somebody�s going to blow a fuse here. Hobbes: There�s a lot of wires. Fawkes: I�m thinkin� it�d make a nice necklace though. It�d be big like a Mister T. thing? Hobbes: I had to let down thirty-six hundred feet of this stuff. That�s ninety-seven to a coil�four gague. That�s heavy gague, my friend. They�d hang this stuff around like dental floss. Fawkes: Yeah? Where was that, huh, Desert Storm? Hobbes: [the walk up soe stairswith a door at the top] New Jersey. My cousin Charlie had a contracting business. [Darien Reaches to open a Door]Hey, don�t touch that! Don�t! Fawkes: Why not? Hobbes: Just don�t. I�ve got a bad feelin� about this. I�ve seen this before. Fawkes: When you were in the CIA? Hobbes: No. Fawkes: FBI? Hobbes: No. Fawkes: NSA? Hobbes: I was never with them. Chuck Bronson movie you know Death Wish collection. F awkes: Oh, I have that on DVD. Hobbes: Hey, don�t touch that I�m serious about this, Fawkes! I got a bad feelin� It�s just too easy. Fawkes: Just hold on there. [Darien grabs some cardboard and rips it. He bends it and wedges it in the crevice of the door.] Fawkes: A little MacGyver. Hobbes: What are you making a raft there, Gilligan? [He lets quicksilver run down the crease of the cardboard into the crease of the door which turns the door invisible.] Fawkes: I�ve been practicing this all week Hobbes: Yeah? Look there�s someone in there� Fawkes: Is that a bomb? Hobbes: That�s a bomb. [Darien and Bobby are on top of the roof. Bobby jams the wind vane and pulls it off to enter through the roof. They play a hand game rock paper scissors to decide the first one down. Darien has a rock. Bobby has scissors.] Hobbes: Scissors cuts rock so go ahead. Fawkes: What kinda scissors cuts rock? Hobbes: Well go ahead. [We see Bobby land.] Hobbes: (yells) Hey Fawkes! Get the hell down here! [Eberts sits tied and gagged to a chair. Fawkes lands.] Fawkes: Aw crap. What the hell they�d do to you? [Bobby unties Eberts� hands while Darien removes the gag from his mouth. Eberts coughs.] Fawkes: Hey you ok there? [<Commercial Break> Golda moving down the street. We see Bobby driving with Eberts and Fawkes seated in the van.] Hobbes: So you gotta learn to trust * my* instincts Fawkes, ok? I told you we couldn�t trust Eberts and I was * right*. Eberts: (fixes his tie) I beg your pardon? Fawkes: Nah, not you. Hobbes: The other Eberts. Eberts: Huh? Hobbes: Your evil twin. Eberts: What are you two talking about? Hobbes: Our friend the hacker made himself look just like you Eberts. Eberts: What? How? Hobbes: He must�ve made the switch at the World Wide Well. Eberts: Whoever hit me. Hobbes: That�s right. Eberts: Who is it? Fawkes: Yeah and why�d he do it, you know? Why�d he go through the trouble to make himself look like Eberts? Hobbes: Yeah, why didn�t he pick someone�like me? Fawkes: What? Hobbes: I�m just sayin� you got to pick somebody to look like him�you know. Ha? Fawkes: I don�t think he did it because he wanted to look bald. Hobbes: Hey watch it there, troublemaker. Fawkes: I�m just sayin� he did it for more strategic reasons. I mean Eberts had access to the computers, right? Hobbes: The dude had already proved he could hack into the computers without Eberts. Eberts: It must have had needed access to something else Hobbes: (mocks in a whiny voice) �He must have needed access to something else� (regular voice) What could you get access to that we couldn�t? Huh? Except maybe for the accounting stuff. Eberts: You�d be surprised Robert that I Hobbes: (mocks as before)�You�d be *have access to something you don�t. I have surprised Robert that I have access to more access than you do. * something you��(normal voice) I have I had a * lot* more access than you do, pal. Fawkes: (interrupts) Do I have to separate you two? Ok, why don�t you�all right switch seats! Come on! [Hacker Eberts is on the computer. His passwords get denied twice. The third time he gets it right. The screen reads �DOWNLOADING� He smiles. The Official and the Keeper are in the Keep. Fawkes, Eberts, and Hobbes run in.] Official: What does that stuff look like? Keeper: That�s what I�m showing you�Here, look� Fawkes: Where�s Eberts? Hobbes/Eberts: Where�s Eberts? Keeper: Is this a trick question? Hobbes: Nah uh uh. Where�s Eberts? We got the real one, we�re lookin� for the fake one. Official: (like he�s playing a game) Uh�we give up. Hobbes: Eberts! (hits his hand) The squirmy little (punches his hand) you know�you wanna just�Eberts! (To Eberts) Oh, no offense. Fawkes: The Eberts we�ve been dealin� with the past couple of days? He�s an imposter. Eberts: It�s true sir. There�s two of me. Official: (laughs) Hobbes. Keeper: Ah! Darien that is * it*! Darien: What�d I do? Keeper: The th-th-the substance that you found at first I thought it was a-a synthetic dermaplast right? But then I ran it under the electron microscope and I-I found out that it contains human DNA. But-but if what you�re saying is * true*, the DNA probably belongs to Eberts. Eberts: My latest physical. That�s where they * must* have gotten it from. Fawkes: What are you sayin��are you saying someone * cloned* him? Hobbes: Like that sheep! Daisy! Eberts: Dolly. Keeper: No no no. They couldn�t have * cloned* him. I mean he�d have to be an embryo first and then grow to * term*, be born obviously, become an infant- Fawkes: Claire! We got it. Could you�cliff notes? Please? Keeper: Well you can�t clone a man but you could create * pieces* of him th-th-theoretically at least. Eberts: I�ve read about this before. They can now clone an individual organ. Keeper: (nods) In the case it would be uh skin�bone, cartilage� Official: Pieces of a face. Keeper: Yeah. Fawkes: All right so you mix it all together. What do you get? Hobbes: Frankenstein! (To Eberts) No offense. Sorry. Fawkes: Man, which brings us back to why? You know, why be Eberts? What does�being Eberts get ya? Eberts: Well, like I said uh I have more access here than anyone (Official coughs) except you sir. Fawkes: Yeah like what? What? Hobbes: Yeah. Give us an example Eberts. Eberts: Well this room. There are only three people who have the key to this room. Myself, the Official, and the Keeper. Fawkes: Hey! (flashes card) Boom! Eberts: (embarassed) Right. We gave you one. Hobbes: What�d you get you get a key? Fawkes: Yeah. Hobbes: Do I get a key? Eberts: Ok. The Keeper�s computer. It�s dead okayed network, so it has no outside access. (It dawns on him.) That�s it. Fawkes: What�s it? Eberts: (looks at the underside of the keyboard) The remote hacking is just a decoy. The real target is the Keeper�s computer, which can only be accessed from the inside. (He crawls under the desk.) Hobbes: What the hell is he doin� now. Fawkes: I don�t know. Eberts: Just a minute. (He holds up the device) It�s called a key trapper. It�s a device to use for decoding and stealing passwords. Hobbes: That�s exactly right. Keeper: Oh bloody- how�d that get there? Eberts: The Keeper�s computer is networked to two computers in this building. One right there and one upstairs which only the Official and I can access. Hobbes: That�s affirmative. Eberts: The files are being accessed right now. (He types) They�re being downloaded as we speak. (He types. On screen reads � Process cannot be terminated�) Can�t stop it. (He types) I can�t stop it! Official: Bobby! Bobby, call security. Seal all of the exits. [Screen reads �DOWNLOAD COMPLETE�. Hacker Eberts takes his palm pilot and exits. We see Hobbes walking down the hall. Eberts walks down the hall. Fawkes runs down the hall. Hacker Eberts walking in hall meets Eberts face to face. They fight and both fall to the ground. Fawkes hears the commotion and runs.] Fawkes: Hey! Hey! You�re under arrest there, pal (He grabs one by the lapels and sees that there are two.) Ok. Both of you! You�re under arrest, ok? Hacker Eberts: Good work Fawkes. I caught him trying to download all of the quicksilver files on this hard disk. Eberts: What? No. No, that was * not* me. That was- that was * him*. Hobbes: (finds them) All right freeze! All right Ebertses. Hacker Eberts: All right. Let�s end this. Ask me anything you want about the Agency. Anything. Eberts: (pleads) No. No d-don�t don�t please don�t listen to him. He�s obviously a criminal impersonating- Hacker Eberts: This is outrageous. Eberts: I would never say outrageous. Hacker Eberts: That�s because you�re not me. Eberts: No I�m not you because I�m�me! Official: Shut up Eberts! [The Eberts on the right is quiet. The Official arrives. The Keeper and Bobby and Darien are standing there facing the two Ebertses. Hacker Eberts can't Shut up and raises hishand as if to say something]] Hobbes: Ah ha! Freako here. Halloween�s over, pal. Hacker Eberts: (realizes he�s been caught now in a more French accent) You�re quite right. Allow me to take off my costume. (He removes his jacket.) Hobbes: All right we gotcha that�s enough. [Hacker Eberts smiles as he removes his tie.] Hobbes: That�s enough! Hey. Hey. That�s enough. Cool it right there. (To Official) He�s strippin�, chief. [Hacker Eberts bolts. Hobbes chases after him.] Hobbes: Hey! Stop it or you�re a dead man. [Fawkes and Hobbes run down the hall.] Official: No! Bobby I want him alive! I want to see who this scum works for! [While running Hacker Eberts pull down his skin over his head like taking a mask off and stripsand there is nothing underneath. Its Arnaud. Bobby chases armed and Darien runs along side him.] Arnaud: How nice! Official: Shoot him! [Arnaud�s shirt falls to the floor as he turns the corner. Bobby and Darien turn. The rest of Arnaud�s clothes and shoes are strewn about the hall. Hobbes is ready to shoot. Fawkes quicksilvers his eyes and sees an invisible man standing there. Arnaud continues to run out knocking two guards down.] Guard #1: Dammit Fawkes! Fawkes: Ok it was not me this time, ok? [He quicksilvers and runs through them knocking them down.] Guard #1: Fawkes! [A lock quicksilvers and breaks off. Arnaud steals a bike. Invisible Darien is following on a skateboard. Hobbes trails behind both of them. People comment and move out the way.] Arnaud: Pardon me. Sorry. [The chase continues to a parking lot. Invisible Darien finds a rock and pelts Arnaud with it.] Arnaud: (in pain) Ah! [His palm pilot falls and breaks. He rides back around.] Arnaud: (enraged) Dammit! [He sees Invisible Darien approaching on skateboard and pedals off. Invisible Darien gets diverted by a handicapped woman on a scooter and runs into a parked car smashing the window. Arnaud rides away on bike.] Arnaud: So looong sucka! [An eighteen wheeler hits the bike and flies into the air. The bike lands in the middle of the street. Bobby and Darien arrive.] Fawkes: I didn�t see if he was still on the bike or not. Hobbes: Two bucks says we don�t find the body. Huh? Fawkes: I�m not taking that bet. [<Commercial Break> Eberts sits as the Keeper studies him. A mask sits on the table. The Official stands off to the side. Hobbes walks in with Darien following him.] Hobbes: Well, good morning, Mister Phelps. Official: Ha ha ha� Fawkes: Creepy. Official: Boo! Eberts: Can I go back to work now? Keeper: No! We have to study this. Fawkes: �ell congratulations Albert. I guess now you know how it feels to be a lab rat. Hobbes: Albert? Did you say�? Fawkes: Yeah, it�s Ebert�s first name. Hobbes: Albert? Fawkes: Albert Eberts. Eberts: Thank you, Darien. Now everyone can have another laugh at my expense. Hobbes: Well, not�really, I mean it�s�not a bad name I guess it�s- Keeper: Oh you like that name do you Bobby? Hobbes: Well�it�s my middle name. Keeper: Oh! Eberts: Really? Well, then we have something in common then Robert. [Eberts moves to shake Hobbes� hand. Bobby nods and motions for him to stop.] Hobbes: Just� Darien Voice over: The Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan once wrote �Things are seldom what they seem. Skim milk masquerades as cream.� Well, of course, he was then probably beaten up by every kid in the schoolyard. Look, the * point* is�we probably learned more about Eberts when he was * Arnaud* than we ever would from Eberts himself. [Close up on mask. Fade out to <Closing Credits>] |