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| Fan Fiction Archive |
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| Bad Chi Transcribed by mardel |
| Opening scene Darien is chasing a bad guy, they run thru a park and end up at a play ground Darien quicksilvers and punches the guy wrapping him up in the swings. Voice over: Honesty is the best policy, well let�s just say some people don�t appreciate the benefits Darien: Hey, hey Jake I�ve got an idea I�ll hide and you count to ten huh (He goes quicksilver and punches Jake, Bobby arrives in the van blocks the guy exit and he falls back into the swings, Darien spins him up in them.) Bobby: Nice work kemosabe, Fawkes? (Darien is laying on the ground he unquicksilvers Bobby: What the hell you doing down there? Darien: Just catching some rays, it�s not like my back is twisted up like a pretzel or anything. Bobby: You�re back? Darien : My back Bobby: ah not again Darien: again Opening credits In the lab Claire is examining Darien and his x-rays. He�s stretched out on the exam table with his shirt off, face down. Darien: Ah, I think that is enough, alright? Claire: Hand on a little more Darien: Ahhh Claire: Alright, okay, just relax, I�m not going to hurt you Darien: Ahh! Bobby: You�re killing him Official: Hobbes, Hobbes take it easy Bobby: I�m sorry chief, but he�s my partner I feel is pain Darien: I appreciate the sentiment Hobbes but you got no idea here Bobby: I had a kidney stone once, that could choke a horse, it was moving through the canal Claire: Remember when we promised to never talk about that again?( She looks over Bobby then returns to the x-rays) Bobby: Oh yeah Claire: So clearly the fall has aggravated his condition Official: What is his condition? Claire: I don�t know exactly do you see anything here? There�s not a scratch, I�ve had three top level orthopedic surgeons look at these, not one of them has come close to a proper diagnosis. Darien: Ahh Bobby: Acupuncture Claire: Acupuncture? Darien: with needles? Bobby: No with cream cheese and lox, yes with needles Darien: I don�t like needles much besides Hobbes I don�t do that freaking voodoo Bobby: It�s not voodoo, my friend, it�s eastern medicine. remember those kidney stones I was talking about Claire: Bobby Official: Mercy! Bobby: I�m just saying eastern medicine saved my life that day Darien: That and six shrinks Bobby: Watch it there Quasimoto Claire: You know some of the eastern medicine techniques are quite interesting actually Bobby: Damn, right. I�m telling you cured me up just like that no surgery no pain Darien: No pain? Bobby: No pain Official: No you�re not seeing an acupuncturist Darien: Come on chief I�m in a lot of pain here Official: The answer is no New scene: Darien walking into a Chinese acupuncturist place with a walker, very slowly. Voice over: The most powerful word in the English language is no. especially when it comes from the mouth of the Official. Darien: Hello? Anyone here. Hello Dr I Chi? You there, Hello? Ahh Dr I Chi? Oh hey how ya doing man? (Darien sees a oriental man sitting, meditating.) Darien: I was wondering if you could help me here, Yes, no maybe? Hello( A woman enters the room) I�m Doctor Charlie Jay Darien: You�re the Doctor? Charlie: Yes Darien: I�m sorry, my bad. Darien Fawkes, wow it�s just you know it�s just when you picture an acupuncturist Charlie: I know you don�t picture me Darien: NO you picture him Charlie: That would be correct also, that�s my sofu, my teacher. Darien: Great is he okay? Charlie: He is suffering from stomach cancer, his silent is part of meditation a constant struggle against the pain. Darien: I�m sorry, part of my job made my back go out. Charlie: Please come in, and we will see what we can do for you. Darien: Ahh, ( as he gets on the exam table.) Charlie: Okay now take off your shirt, you have a very stressful job don�t you? (She begins to exam in him.) Darien: You might say that, ahh. Charlie: You�ve got a classic problem Darien, stress it blocks the flow of chi, your life force, what we have to do is get the chi flowing again. Darien: yeah, ah Charlie: ( She inserts several needles) Alright? Darien: yeah Charlie:( She inserts a few more) See not so bad there is it, most of them are in now there�s one more( Darien involuntary quicksilvers when she puts the last needle in at the base of his neck) Charlie: What the hell just happened? Darien just his voice: I guess I�d better explain here. New scene: Darien is sitting in a chair in the outer room. Charlie: A biosynthetic gland that makes you go invisible, how did they do that? Darien: I can�t really tell you more okay, believe me you know way to much already. Charlie: It�s hard to believe Darien: Seeing is believing right Charlie: It�s not hard to believe they put it there it�s just hard to believe it�s active on the yang quom meridian you know all I did was needle Q14 Darien: I�m sorry would you translate Charlie: I�m sorry it�s not important what is important is you�re feeling better right? Darien: Are you kidding, I�m telling you Doc, I�ve been poked and prodded for months now, well actually for one and half years, look at this ( He turns his back and moves freely) Thank you. Charlie: Good, you take care of yourself, don�t over do it and I strongly recommend a follow up visit Darien: you go it Charlie: okay Darien: If you could just remember what I said Charlie: Doctor, patient confidently, don�t worry Darien: Believe me it�s the best for both of us trust me ( Darien stands to leave) Darien: thank you so much Charlie: You�re welcome ( He folds up the walker and carries it out with him) Darien: I guess I don�t� need this anymore, do I Charlie: no you don�t New scene: the Lab Claire is reading. Music starts playing Darien arrives invisible and spins her to her feet dancing, they start to dance, Claire is boogieing to the music Darien unquicksilvers Darien: Shake that booty, Go Keeper Claire: Wait you�re dancing? Darien: You ain�t seen nothing yet ( Darien moves over to the floor does a little break dance, and spins on the floor at the end) Claire turns the music off : NO! Okay how did this happen? Darien: Well let�s see I went to sleep, I woke up I was better. Can I get a shot here please, there is somewhere I�ve got to be and you know how I hate to be late. Claire: okay all of your back pain is gone? Just like that? Darien: Yeah, why is that so hard to believe? Claire: Let me see Darien: No, I�m okay, just give me a shot Claire: I have a specialist coming to examine you tomorrow Darien: Forget it I�m fine, lets go. Claire: Darien look a recurring condition like this can be very dangerous. we have to be absolutely through with treating it. Do you want the shot or not? (Darien rolls his eyes and nods. Like he is agreeing to the exam.) New scene: Back at the acupuncturist Darien: Your sufu have you know each other long? Charlie: Sufu is not only enlightened in acupuncture he is also a 9th degree black belt in wang chung. Darien: Wang chung? Charlie: Martial arts, Darien :Oh I thought you meant like everyone have fun tonight, everybody wang chung Charlie: No, Darien: you go some moves? Charlie: I�m a third degree belt, face forward please. (She works the needles on his back again) Darien: Are those bigger, they feel bigger Charlie: A little, (She puts in two needle with little attachments on them this time She picks up a remote control device and sends a signal to the two needles, it make Darien�s head go invisible.) Darien: What was that? Charlie: this transceiver sends a electicstimulant to the needles I�ve placed in your back, it can stimulate each separately, fascinating technology isn�t it? Darien: I�ll wait for the IPO, let�s not mess with the gland Charlie: I have no intention of messing with the it, but I do have important plans for it Darien: Ah look you know what I think you can take these needles out now Charlie: I don�t think so Darien Darien: Alright fine ( he tries to remove them) She zaps him Charlie: I don�t want to hurt you Darien, work with me on this Darien looks very worried. New scene: Charlie has taken him to a museum that is having a Chinese exhibit. Darien: you know Charlie if you wanted to take me on a date, all you had to do was ask. Mystic China, that sounds so mystic. Charlie: It is it�s the nine needles of Price Chang Lei Darien: Nice Charlie: He reigned in Hunan Province in 920 BC, there was a terrible plague Darien: that�s terrible Charlie: The prince fell deathly ill, but he had a very powerful spirit he cheated death thru meditation Darien: Like your pal Dr Fu Charlie: Fung, thru this meditation a healer came with the nine needles. They were carved from the rib of the yellow emperor. Let�s go. Darien: I�m guessing your story has a happy ending Charlie: Yes, and no the prince recovered but the needles were lost for over nine centuries. Until they were discovered in 1981. Darien: really 1981 that�s the same year Indiana Jones was released. Charlie: See those needles posses divine Chi, they are suppose to help heal the sick, not sit in some dusty old box. Darien: Now when you say the sick you mean Dr. Fu right? Charlie: Fung Darien: fu, Fung Charlie: I�m doing this for him Darien, I hope you understand that Darien: Of course I do Charlie Charlie: Let�s go Darien: Wallace T. Gilliam, he�s no small potatoes is he? Charlie: These artifacts are a national treasure of china. Wallace T. Gilliam has no business being in the same room with them. He�s guilty of cultural rape. Darien: I guess we know where you stand Charlie Charlie: Don�t get me started Darien: Two guards, two cameras one sensor, piece of cake. Charlie: Good that is what I like to hear Darien: I�ll need some glass cutting equipment, that stuff can be kind of expensive. Charlie: Fine Darien: Look Charlie I can see how much this means to you. If you ask me your are a damn good accupucerist already Charlie: Not good enough this is sufu�s only hope. Darien: You sure about that? Come on I was a pretty hopeless case when I came to you, Charlie: You don�t know what hopeless is Darien: We aren�t talking about me anymore are we? Charlie: no Darien: didn�t think so Charlie: If it wasn�t for Sufu, I�d have been dead a long time ago and I�m not about to trade my life for his. (Darien makes a run for it but she zaps him again when he reaches the stairs) Charlie: It�s Okay I�m his doctor, he suffers from seizers. Charlie to Darien more quietly: Do I have your full co-operation now? Darien only nods yes. New scene: The Official�s office Official: Nice of you to join us Miss Monroe Alex: My pleasure anything I can do for the team Bobby: Actually I had some thoughts on that Official: Not now Bobby, we have got bigger fish to fry, Fawkes is missing again. Eberts: And given his health status we thought it would be prudent to establish a SOP for just such a event therefore operation Lame Duck is now in effect. Alex: Ah somebody�s been a busy little worker bee (Eberts passes out copies of a plan to each of them, Alex, Bobby and Claire) Bobby: More like a drone buzzing around the hive Alex: All bees are drones Hobbes, except for the queen ( she winks at him) Eberts: Page five outlines your individual assignments Robert, Darien�s apartment Miss Monroe this building and surrounding areas. and Claire Claire: Sorry to interrupt you Eberts there�s a problem, it�s not that Darien is injured he�s feeling better. Official: Explain Claire: He came in yesterday showing marked improvement, he got his shot of counter agent and left. He didn�t want to see the Doctor today so he�s blown if off. Official: Why wasn�t I told? Claire: I�m telling you now Official: Thank you Claire: Anytime Bobby: So you�re saying his back is back, which is good but he went AWOL? Alex: Which means he�s going to be even tougher to find Bobby: So much for your brilliant scenario Eberts Official: No so fast Bobby Eberts: In light of this development Operation Lame Duck has been officially upgraded to operation Stray Dog. Which as you can see provides for a active more defiant Darien, and includes several more locations such as Poncho�s Taco Shop and the Dime store arcade and Alex: Mona�s Hair and Beauty Parlor? Bobby: He practically lives at that joint Alex: Is that all gentle men? Official: Find him Alex: Alright, Hobbes you take the Taco place, I�ll take the arcade Claire: And I�ll take the beauty parlor Alex: you do that Bobby: Why do you get the arcade? Alex: You want to switch it�s fine with me, it�s not like it�s a culturally tour of the city New scene: Museum at night Charlie: Nobody can see us Darien: they can hear you Guard: I can�t find what caused the glitch, I�m gone two seconds and you eat the last slice? (Darien is eating the pizza and looking over the lay out of the museum. He has to cover Charlie�s mouth to keep her quiet) Charlie: What are you waiting for? Darien: Do I tell you how to do your job? (Darien Uses the glass cutter, and gets the needles for her) Voice over: Here�s a story for ya, Jack climbs the bean stalk finds the goose that lays the golden eggs, long story short Jack set to live happy ever after. Now like my friend Charlie her Jack had good intentions he used the eggs for his mother, who was poor and starving. But let�s not kid ourselves okay Jack is not a good role model) New scene: Charlie is using the needles on Sufu, while he is kind of out of it. Darien: Charlie it�s almost dawn, why don�t you take a break Charlie: One more treatment Darien: I�m not an expert, but I know a sick guy when I see him. He can�t take much more. Charlie: Chang Lei wasn�t healed over night, it takes several treatments. Sufu: Chang Lei, what is this? Charlie: the needles Sufu, it�s Ok Sufu: You took the needles from the museum Charlie: It�s Okay sufu relax Sufu: You took the needles from the earth now the needles carry anger and unenlightenment you curse me. Newscene: Charlie is pacing in the other room. Darien: Hey Charlie Charlie: He�s right I didn�t think, I should have realized that Wallace Gilliam was a man with very bad chi. Darien: I think you missed the point Charlie: His greed filled them with bad chi Darien: Bad chi, not a good thing, but I wouldn�t beat myself up over it Charlie: There�s only one solution Darien: Get a bad chi ectomy? Charlie: exactly Darien: I was kidding Charlie: We have to get rid of the source of the darkness Darien: Okay I�m down with that, but could we maybe bring in a specialist for that would that be Okay. Charlie: we have that specialist you Darien: I�m overrated, maybe we could just go back in there and let the healing begin (She zaps him) Darien: Okay just a thought, just a brain storm here we don�t have to do that Charlie: You see if I kill Gilliam the darkness will be transferred to be and I won�t be able to help Sufu, you see Darien you�re the one who�s going to have to do it ( She shows him a knife) Darien: Ah Crap New scene: Officials office: They are watching a tape of the museum break in Alex: Right now if you digitize and blow up the image this is what you get ( It shows what looks like quicksilver flakes falling off the man dressed in black) Claire: Quicksilver Official: Where did you get this tape? Alex: From a friend Official: what friend? Alex: you questioning my source? Official: I�m questioning that you are not the only one who works for this agency Alex: Then I suggest you question the criminal you hired into it Bobby: Okay lets not all get our boxers in a bunch. Fawkes is a criminal that�s true. But he�s our criminal we love him so, we take care of our own. Ain�t that right Chief? Eberts: I believe that brings us to operation Black Sheep Official: Not now Eberts Eberts: Yes, Sir. Claire: Alright, so Darien did it but why, why steal Chinese Artifacts? Bobby: She�s got a point boss, I mean the guy could walk into Ft. Knox right? Official: What exactly did he steal? Alex: The museum is keeping that under wraps, but I could find out if you�re interested. Official: What I�m interested in is a team effort, Mr. Hobbes would you be so kind as to accompany Miss Monroe on her investigation Bobby: I�d be happy to Official: that is if she doesn�t mind Alex: Not at all, A girl like me could always use a big strong man around. Saddle up cowboy. Bobby: Yee Ha Claire: Saddle up, she�s are real as her hair color Official: You said that out loud Claire: I did? Opps New scene on the way to kill Gilliam Darien� that�s your plan huh? Sit out side his house and wait? this guy is an international business man, he might not be home for weeks. Besides they have things now called neighborhood watch, they watch each others houses. Charlie: That�s a chance we�ll have to take, get in Darien: In here? Charlie; Let�s go (Darien checks his monitor) Darien: Look there�s something I didn�t mention about the gland Charlie: What is it? Darien: there�s a drug they give me that reduces the amount of quicksilver in my blood stream. It�s called counteragent, if I don�t� get it I get a reaction. Charlie� what kind of reaction? Darien: I pretty much turn into a psychopath, out of my mind nuts, you can relate Charlie: Explain it to me Darien: It�s like a cerebral disinhibitor, the gland is wired to my cerebral cortex, look it�s complicated. Charlie: Du 14 Darien: sorry Du 14? what�s that French? Charlie: It�s the point that made you invisible, it�s the point you use to treat headaches, stiff necks and metal disorders. Darien: there you go, I can�t say I�m proud of if but it s what it is. Charlie: First we get you counteragent, then we get Gilliam Darien: we can talk about that later Charlie: Don�t cross me Darien: Me? New scene: Alex and Bobby at the Museum Alex: Wallace Wallace: Legs, you look dazzling Alex: You look distressed Wallace: Let�s just say until you called me the police are on the case. I don�t� trust them to find my car keys. I was hoping you could pull some strings. Alex: what exactly have you misplaced? Wallace: Some one broke in last night and stole the nine needles of Prince Cheng Yei Alex: My ancient Chinese is a little rusty Wallace: They were medical instruments, the worlds first known acupuncture set. Bobby: Acupuncture Wallace: They where near the most valuable piece in the collection, it didn�t make sense. Alex: It did to somebody, you have no idea who�d want them? Wallace: There are no shortage of thieves out there, no shortage of greedy collectors. I�m hoping your guess is better than mine. Bobby: Maybe it was acupuncturist, it says here these needles got magic in �em. They cured this Prince Chang Lei character. Maybe there is another prince out there with a bad back. Wallace: It�s so hard to find good help these days Alex: you have no idea New Scene: Back at Charlie�s office. Darien: How ya doing? You want some tea? Sufu: thank you Darien: hey look I don�t mean to pry but does this meditation help the pain? Sufu: Pain never stops but like a river always flows to the lowest point. A spring form the mountain grows to become a flood in the valley. Darien: I don�t speak weather Sufu: Say you have a bad headache then you break your arm, the headache isn�t so bad Darien: Sort of like a lesser evil Sufu: Very good spider Darien: I think you mean grasshopper Sufu: (hands Darien Charlie�s business card case during their discussion) Darien on a video they Agency people are all watching it in the Officials office. Hey guys I bet you miss me don�t you? I�m sorry I haven�t been to work I�ve been kind of tied up with this hostage thing. Everything is peachy, except, remember him, see him?( He shows them the monitor (Charlie zaps him) Ahh, you bitch, here�s the deal you guys have to drop some counteragent off at The beach and I get to stay alive and out of the loony bin. Did I mention alive. Here�s the deal Carson beach by the bike path on the bench, you know the place Hobbes, Okay see you guys. Alex: very convincing he should be doing summer stock Bobby: What you think Fawkes is scamming us no way Official: It wouldn�t be the first time Bobby: What are you saying here chief, you taking her side Official: It�s not about sides Bobby, it�s about how Fawkes� mind works. Eberts: I�m afraid I must agree Bobby: Oh two thumbs up for fiscal and Eberts over here Alex: He�s a con with a get out of jail free card Bobby, you can�t under estimate that Bobby: You�re preaching to the choir there sister, but why would Fawkes do it in the first place Alex: There could be a million reasons Bobby: I know Fawkes, he didn�t go south, no over a pile of Chinese bones, he�s a hostage Alex; He�s a thief Official: Hostage or thief we�ve got to get him back, Eberts Eberts: Ladies and gentlemen I give you operation Caged Canary. New scene: At the beach Eberts is undercover as a hot dog vendor. Bobby as a homeless guy. Claire is picking up trash and Alex is skating on the boardwalk. Official: Okay put on your thermal and check in Claire: Noting here but rubbish Sir Official: Keep you eyes peeled Official: Alex and sign of him? Alex: Negative Official: Eberts? Eberts: No Sir, but we have grossed over 75 dollars Official: Good, Hobbes? Bobby: Negative El Capitan, Hello ladies I surf you know ( he is talking to women passing by in suit suites) (Darien and Charlie arrive on a bike for two) Charlie: Do you see them? Darien: No, but they are here, you can bet your mama�s pudding on that Charlie: BE quick about it and don�t try anything Darien: Who me? Try something funny? Charlie: remember (She points to the zapper thing on her belt) Darien: Who could forget Eberts: I see him, he�s approaching south on the bike path, on the bike path Claire: okay he�s closing in Alex: He�s using the bikes as interference Official: Stay on him Eberts: I�ve lost him Bobby: clear the line Eberts, Official: Shut up Eberts, Find him Alex: Hobbes he�s coming your way Bobby: I got him boss ( Darien hits Bobby and he goes down) Eberts: Claire Claire: Alright ( Claire moves in but is knocked down also) Alex: He�s mine Official: Don�t lose him (Darien rejoins Charlie on the bike and close lines Alex as he escapes.) Official: Hey guys anybody hurt? Claire: Yeah, it could have been worse Alex: What could be worse that getting your butt kicked by your own man? Bobby: I think he may have gone back to the dark side, for real. ( Then he finds the business card case Darien dropped) Bobby: Well now where there is a ying there is a yang (Claire grabs it from Bobby with her trash grabber thing) Claire: I�ll take it back to the lab Bobby: That a boy Fawkessey, at a boy. Bobby and Alex in the van Bobby: Ha see it�s a acupuncturist see Alex: �Bout time you started to gloat Bobby: Bobby Hobbes does not gloat, merely celebrating all victories great and small Alex: why do you do that Bobby� You got to celebrate life or your miserable Alex: why do you do that, refer to yourself in the third person, do you even realize you do it? Bobby: I realize Alex: You have no idea what I�m talking about do you Bobby: Bobby Hobbes knows exactly what you are talking about. you are just jealous I was right about the acupuncturist Alex: Jealous, who�s jealous All I said was you can�t trust a guy with a rap sheet and I�m not wrong yet Bobby� you don�t trust anybody do you? Alex: I trust you, I trust any agent that believes in his partner as much as you do Bobby: Very nice, you�re not playing me again are you? Alex: Alex Monroe doesn�t tell a lie, my friend, Alex Monroe tells it like it is Charlie and Darien pull up to Gallison�s house Charlie: Okay Mr. Invisible make like the wind Darien: This is your last chance Charlie if we go back now this whole thing never happened. (She waves the control box at him) Alex and Bobby arrive at Charlie�s office. Alex: Hobbes Bobby: Federal Agents we are looking for Dr. Charlene Jay Sufu: She left 20 minutes ago with your friend ( He mimics Darien�s hair) Alex: Where to? (Sufu Motions towards the poster of the museum) Bobby: why would they go back to the museum? Sufu: Not to the museum to the man Alex: Oh my god they are after Gilliam (Darien invisible takes out the two men that are Gilliam�s body guards) Gilliam: what is going on here, who are you? Charlie: relax Mr. Gilliam we are here to heal you (She kicks him and he is knocked down) Charlie: Finish him off Darien: I don�t think so, (he�s all red eyed now) Charlie: what is wrong with you? Darien: I think I�m coming down with a little quicksilver madness, not a pretty site is it? Charlie: What about your shot? Darien: Oh ( He breaks it) opsy, guess I wont� be taking that after all. (Charlie zaps him and he just rolls his head a little) Darien: that tickles Charlie: Kill him Darien: No, my pain is worse than your pain. Charlie: I said kill him, do it Darien: If you thought those needles had bad chi baby you ain�t seen nothing yet. (Darien grabs Charlie and starts to choke her, She breaks his hold and throw him off then moves in to kill Gilliam. Bobby: Freeze, alright you drop him, right now let him go, do it Charlie: Like hell I will (Bobby and Charlie have a martial arts fight which takes Bobby several minutes to win over her, they are evenly matched.) Charlie: Wang Chung? Bobby: Ha Ke To Bobby: Freaking Crouching tiger over here Alex: You are safe now Fawkes come with me Darien: the hell I am ( Darien resists) Alex: this would be much easier if you�d just come along Darien: Boy you sure do smell pretty Alex: Okay your choice, ( she kicks him between the legs and he goes down) Alex: I had now idea he got that bad Bobby: Hold him, you just go beat up by a girl my friend Darien: did not Bobby: did to Darien: did not Bobby: did to Darien: did not Alex: Give him the shot Darien: Ahh Tag in the Lab Darien: A little lower an to the right, lower ah good Claire: You�re fine Darien: It�s good to be back, did you get that one, boy I�m really amazing Claire: You keep thinking that Darien: What�s up with your neck Claire: nothing Darien: it doesn�t look like nothing Claire: If you must know I�m a tad bit sore from chasing you on the bike path Darien: you�re sore? Claire: You find this amusing do you? Darien: Yeah, no Ironic maybe, I just saying you know looks like you could use some acupuncture. Voice over: Some one once said that wisdom comes thru suffering, Thanks to Charlie Jay I might be the smartest man on earth. end |