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April 27, 2000 - Brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars a kilo." "How much for doctor brain?" "4 dollars a kilo." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars a killo."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one killo of brain?"

April 26, 2000 - Drink

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks "le apperitif?" All of them answer "oui!"

The waiter looks at Zedillo "Le tequila?" Zedillo: "oui!"

The waiter looks at Yeltsin "Le vodka?" Yeltsin: "oui!"

Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton " Le whisky?" Clinton: "DON'T MENTION THAT BITCH !!!"

April 25, 2000 - Bad Day

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

April 25, 2000 - 200 Dollars More (courtesy of a friend)

A guy goes into a bar and goes up to the bartender. He says "I bet you 200 bucks I can piss in that glass in the corner and not spill a drop." The bartender agreed knowing he could never do it. So the man goes into the corner and pisses all ove everything even the bartender. So he walks back to the laughing bartender and the bartender says "I knew you couldn't do it." The man replies, "You can have your 200 dollars, I just bet those guys over there 2000 dollars that I could piss all over your place and you still would be laughing."

April 24, 2000 Apt. for Rent (courtesy of a friend)

A man met a beautiful girl, and she agreed to spend the night with him For $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1. It had never been occupied; 2. There was plenty of heat; and 3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful Apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."

April 22, 2000 Caught

A young lawyer went to work generating billable hours at a prestigious law firm. After six months of 20-hour days, the senior partner who had become his mentor told him that if he continued this diligence, he might someday be considered for partner. After another six months, the electricity went out one night in his office. Not being able to work, he headed home a bit earlier than usual. When he arrived there, his mentor's car was in his driveway and all the lights were out. Fearing the worst, he quietly entered the front door, removed his shoes, and tiptoed upstairs where he could see by moonlight his wife and his mentor in a passionate, naked embrace. He stole back down the steps, let his car roll silently out of the driveway without starting it, then drove back to his dark office, where he sat sweating in his chair and said, "Whew, I almost got caught."

April 22, 2000 Talking to Me (..huh huh hope this is not too sensitive)

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

April 22, 2000 Bar Woman

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 ......on one condition. Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

April 21, 2000 Lawyer Good Advice

These Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air Balloon to cross the 'Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air," George turns to Harry and says "that man must be a Lawyer" And Harry says "How can you tell?" George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."

April 20, 2000 Password (courtesy of a friend)

I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago. I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Das with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis". We all fell on the floor with laughter when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****

April 19, 2000�������� A Lawyer Named Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"