Breaking the Silence - Silent all These Years
by LeKeishua Arthur
Pure pain exulted throughout her body. It hurt to breathe. Her chest
was drawn tight and taunt. It took all her being to live. Yet she stood
still at the front of the church her head erect and proud. A fake
red-trimmed smiled stretched the width of her face. The lie rolled off her
lips like she was saying grace. It took all she had not to scream. She
wondered why she had allowed herself to get into this mess. She knew in
her heart that she had no business getting married to Leo Bryant, yet
she could not propel herself to leave this spot. Her body would not free
itself to run away from this nightmare.
Life had never been a dream for her but the life that she led in the
Providence slum, she had grew up in, was much better than the hell that
she was giving herself to. Life had never even been a piece of cake for
her. In fact in her little house on Mudville Lane, she lived in
constant fear. Fear of her father and what he might do. Not to her but her
mother. She used to dread going home every night. The sound of screaming
and the constant banter of the belt on raw flesh waited to greet her
every night like a dark lullaby. The neighbors had called the cops a few
times, but her momma was proud and she stood her ground. She never said
a word against the man. The girl often thought her mother was the most
stupid woman in the world. Yet she never urged her mother to get away
from him. She, just like her mother, kept her lips silent. Deep inside
of her she was secretly relieved that her father's negative attention
was on her mother and not on her. Still it hurt her very core to see and
hear her mother being beat black.
Now she could not bring herself to look at the very woman who had given
her birth for fear that she would break down. She wasn't even sure how
she would break down but she knew that she would. She felt trapped in
her life. Like a slave to routine and poverty she felt like she had been
forced into this union. She was old enough to leave but her feet were
afraid. Her body was silent and did not seem to want to be moved from
this spot.
One day she came home and saw the ambulance parked outside her house.
Her heart quickened and her soul stirred. Her body stopped moving and
she held her breath thinking about how she was going to breathe. The
stretcher rolled out of her house and on it lying limp and beaten was her
mother. And for once she screamed. She screamed the scream that had been
buried in her soul all these years; she screamed the scream of the
forgotten, of a beaten woman, and of a lost soul. Her mother lifted herself
off the stretcher barely raising her head and called to the girl. She
came her feet dragging, to the destination. She felt like dying rather
than facing her mother. The woman she had watched in silence for years
being tossed and turned against her father's fist. She was so ashamed
yet her feet would not deviate from the path that they had started. She
clung to her school bag and willed herself to go to her mother. She
looked into her mother's eyes. They were full of pain and defeat. The look
of death loomed on the lid. She saw it slowly dragging her mother's
lids down for the count. But the lady for once had a fight in her. She
looked at the girl, her daughter, with tear stained eyes, and silent doom
crawling at her mouth.
She said I wish it had been different, but it wasn't. I wish I could
have made it better but I didn't. I wasn't strong enough to walk away. I
let life and your father beat the spirit from me. The silence has gone
on too long. I must tell you a secret and a hope of mine.
What is it? the girl asked searching her mother's bloody face.
It is a secret so obvious and a truth so pure that I had forgotten it.
Tell me, won't you?
I will because I have nothing to give you but this hope. Remember
always this bit of sunlight in me. Because I know that I have been weak and
I have let you be weak in me.
Momma, tell me.
Hold to the truth of your heart. Love freely, purely, and never give
your soul to someone who won't save it.
What do you mean by this?
I mean love with your heart and your mind. If you reach out for love
and it's not there you must move on. Have you ever been in love? No? Then
you must fall and follow your heart but if love leaves you leave.
Momma why do you say this to me?
I say it because it is the secret of life.
The secret of life?
Yes, the secret of life.
With that she touched the girl's cheeks, closed her eyes, and she
motioned for the attendant to move her into the ambulance. The girl watched
the ambulance roll away and take her momma to the hospital. She went
into the house and saw her father looking out the window.
He jumped back as she entered the house. Shutting the blinds he said,
off handily, How is she?
The girl looked at him curiously and asked, Weren't you here? Didn't
you see it happen? Don't you know?
He just looked at her like she was crazy. Like he had no idea that he
was the one who put her momma in the hospital.
Well, I am about to go visit her, he said, You want to come?
Yeah.
Okay, round up the girls and come on.
Okay, she said, and called to her little sisters.
They rode to the hospital in silence. The silence was suffocating. It
hung in the car making stale like death. It waited for someone to ask
the question that lay on all their minds.
Will she be all right? one of the younger girls asked.
Of course the, the girl said half-heartily. Momma's a trooper.
Yeah your momma is strong, her father added.
When they arrived at the hospital they asked the desk nurse for their
mother and they were told she was in intensive care in critical
condition.
How can that be? The girl asked. I just talked to her.
She has gone into a state of shock and she has a lot of internal
bleeding.
Sweet Jesus help us, her father said.
With that the girl turned around and looked at him. Her stare was so
intense that the man had no choice but to meet her eyes. He saw something
he never expected: hate and the question that wait on the tip of his
children tongues-How could you do this?
He looked away and asked the nurse when could they see her. She shook
her head and said that visiting hours were over but the doctor would be
out shortly and he then would then decided if they would be able to see
her briefly.
Thank you, he said with tears that threatening to overtake his eyes.
The girl wondered how could her father cry now? She thought of how her
mother had suffered all these years in silence never once daring to
shed a tear. Even when she had been beaten until she could not stand. Her
mother never ran for cover under tears. Now after all the grief he had
caused her mother her father was crying. If he knew that if something
happened to her momma he would hurt then why did he hit her in the first
place?
Come on girls, the father said leading them to the elevator. From there
they went into the waiting room. They sat on the sea-foam green couches
and looked at the TV. Pretending to be interested in the newscast. My
mother's "accident" is not on the news the girl noticed. They continued
waiting in silence. Hearing nothing but the whispers of the other
waiting people. Feeling nothing but the echo of footsteps in their ears.
Finally a doctor walked out in their direction. He reached out his hand to
her father.
How is she? Her father asked.
Not so good. In fact to be frank she may not make it.
What? Her father asked, his voice raising several octaves.
I am sorry to be the one to tell you? But your wife has a lot of
internal bleeding due to a busted lung. Now we need to establish what
happened to her. It looks like she was beat pretty bad. By who? He said
knowingly.
The girl noticed it wasn't a cocky knowing but a sad revelation. He
seemed grieved to have discovered this awful truth.
However, despite all the legalities we must concentrate on helping your
wife. In the ambulance she asked for her preacher. Is it all right if I
send for him, Mister Tom Ford, right?
Of course, whatever will make it easier for her. Can we see her?
Yes, I think it will be all right for you to visit two at a time with
your wife. How about you and one of the little ones and then the eldest
and the other little one?
Okay. Thanks doctor.
I really wish I could do more. You know what I wish for even more?
What? asked her father.
That it had never got to this.
Her father didn't say anything. He hung his head a little and grabbed
her little sister's arm and followed the doctor into her mother's room.
While they went for a visit the other sister and the girl sat there in
silence. After what seemed like forever they emerged again. Her
father's eyes were tainted with tears and her sister's face was flushed and
tears crawled around in her eyes spilling out and over again and again.
The doctor emerged from behind her father and motioned to the girl. He
whispered, This will be difficult, be strong for the little one. He
opened the door to her momma's room and allowed them to walk in.
Five minutes, he said as he closed the door.
She walked into the room. She smelled the death in the air. It punched
through her soul and stood on the bay waiting to be let in. Her eye
caught the slight movement of her mother's breath. It was so faint, a tiny
tremor in the great big land of life. She walked closer grabbing hold
of her sister's arm and leading her to the bed where her mother laid
half dead. She walked up to her and peered down upon her. She saw her
eyes swollen shut with bruises. All along her body every part that was
visible appeared to be constructed with legions that were red, purple,
and blue. She reached out to touch her mother's skin and immediately
pulled her hand back. The shock washed over her. Her mother's skin was ice
cold like death. It stung her so. She looked again and saw her mother
slowly open her eyes. She tried to smile but the tears took over her
face. They reaped upon her. Her body uncontrollably rocked with her
sobbing.
Her mother said ever so softly, Why do you cry so daughter? You have
the secret. You have nothing to want.
Oh Momma, she called. What can I do to make this better?
Nothing, it is done.
I love you.
I love you and your sister, Emily, too, she said looking at the little
girl.
Are you gonna be all right, the little girl asked.
Yeah, baby in a little while it will be done.
Don't go momma, the little girl called out.
I love you, her mother said.
Don't go momma, the little girl repeated.
I love you, her mother said again with more force. Believe, that
through death comes life. Because I die you will live.
No! both girls cried out together.
It shall be done. I love you enough to die for you. Remember, the
secret of life and pass it to the others, she said as she turned her head
slowly to the other side.
Sorry to interrupt, the doctor said sticking his head in the room.
It's okay, it is finished, the girl answered and she called out, Night
mother, I love you.
With that she and the little girl walked out of the door and into the
waiting room where the rest of the family were waiting. Her father sat
in a backless chair, his bowed head in hand, her sister by the corner
window softly sniffling, trying to fight back the tears.
The preacher, Tom Ford came and went into her mother's room. The girl
and her family waited in silence for him or the doctor to come and talk
to them.
Hours later the preacher emerged from the room. He came straight to
them, She has left us. She went in peace, brother he said and offered to
pray with the family.
Her father declined and said they would get by, by themselves. The
girls though, they disagreed, they did not argue. Instead they looked off
into the distance in silence.
Months passed, then a year, then two. Life returned to the family not
in the same way. Their father had changed so much. He went out of his
way to be a good father to the girls. Doing things he would have never
dreamed of while his wife was alive. He was patient, kind, and most of
all none violent. The girl did not know what to make of the change. She
only wished that her mother had been alive to partake in the change. But
then again, the girl always thought sadly that the change happened
because of her not being here.
The girl's life stayed much of the same. She finished school and
enrolled into a local community college. There she met Leo and everything
changed. He was just an ordinary boy to an observer; but when he was
around her, he became animated and alive. He made her laugh and smile. He
held her softly when she cried. She loved him very much. So it was no
surprise to anyone that he asked her to marry him and she accepted. Her
father was very happy. He went around the house buzzing and beaming. She
didn't really think he had a right but she held her tongue like she
always did. She smiled backed at him.
Before she knew it time snuck up on her and it was her wedding day. She
was glad not because she was marrying the man of her dreams but that
she was getting away. The unsaid truth ate her up until she could barely
walk around her house. She was glad to be leaving all of that. However,
she thought to herself, What if it is the same way in my new life? She
thought and thought and waited for her heart to feel something, but it
was still silent after all these years.
So now she stood before God and the world proclaiming her love and
promising to be true and faithful to this man who thought she was the
world. She tried to wean herself from the thoughts that crossed her mind.
But the hand of time turned back her mind till she remembered that day in
her front yard when her mother told her about the secret. Was she
keeping in tune with the secret or was she just keeping in tune? She looked
over at Leo and knew that for all that it was worth, she hadn't truly
fallen in love. She of course loved him deeply. So deeply that she would
do almost anything for him. But she didn't love him enough to die for
him. She had to live. She had the secret so she must put it to use. She
couldn't allow herself to die so that he could live. Wasn't marriage
after all the mingling of souls? Her feet did not want to move and her
voice was so dry one would think she had been traveling in the desert.
Yet she was ready to do what her mother hadn't done. She was ready to
break the silence after all these years.