Intrepid Carpets Home Page

Some reflections on being homeless (Dec '03)

This is being written in late December 2003, in the main shelter run by Crisis, a charity who provide food, shelter, and a variety of services to the homeless, for a week over Christmas.

I have friends who don't understand why I'm still homeless, after 4 years - I could say join the club - but maybe this will provide some sort of explanation

I'll start, I think, with my current situation, and given an overview of why I'm in that situation, why I'm still homeless etc, and then move on to some experiences and reflections on the 'homeless industry'.

Currently I'm in an extremely grim squat in Camberwell, a derelict house which is literally rotting away - it has a 10 foot square hole in the roof towards the back of the house, another large hole above the stairs, and various other holes. It has no water, - which means that being ill with extreme diarrhoea two weeks ago was rather "challenging". I have been there now for about 2 years, with a gap of 6 months staying in the flat of a "moral fake" called Ted Moat - the linked document says a lot about Ted, but not all of what happened there - I haven't time to get to that now. There is a saying "Nothing endures like the temporary"; when I returned to my current grim abode, a year ago, my intention was that I would only be back for a couple of days; a number of questions arise. Firstly, given, that I have reasonable DIY skills, from years of squatting, why haven't I done more repairs? Secondly, why haven't I got into a better squat? Thirdly, why haven't I got into a hostel?

In answer to the first question, partly because A) I didn't want to live there and B) It is in a line of squats which have formed a coop and have negociated an agreement with Lambeth Council to do up the houses - however there was a cut-off date to be part of this and I am excluded. Well, that's the official version - as I have to live there, I'm not going to say more for now. At any rate, I was given to understand that I could be evicted fairly soon, although it doesn't actually seem to have happened. Given all that and that I didn't want to be there, I thought it better to put my energies into escape than to do futile repairs, although I did make some attempts to do repairs when I first came there.

In answer to the second question, well, I squatted for about 12 years when I first came to London, - I helped a number of people crack squats and did a lot of repairs (electrical repairs are my speciality) The answer is that squatting is a very, very cliquey scene, and I was out of it for many years. It really is like a kind of Aryan race scenario, where you're only gonna find a place in a squat if you're young, cool and trendy, and I'm none of these things. Well, I'm exaggerating, not all squatters are like that, but at I broke with the Hackney scene many years ago because I thought there were too many dodgey people involved and now I don't have many squatting contacts. However, I was in fact going to move into a squat in Hackney recently, but haven't because it's getting evicted in a few weeks and also there has been serious internal conflict there because of drug-dealing, although the dealer has now left. In theory I could squat somewhere by myself, but believe me, that is not so easy, you need someone to be in the squat at all times for the first few weeks in case the owners (usually the council) come and try to kick the door in, which they have the legal right to do if you're out. If you're claiming benefits, or if you have to use homeless centres to eat because you don't have any money, this can be complicated. Also, although I have cracked squats in the past, I'm not very confident about it.

In answer to the third question, why don't I go into a hostel; for the following reasons. It may be news to some people, but when you sign on for Job-Seekers Allowance, you are asked if you are able and willing to work. Now, OK, once again that is the official version; there is a certain amount of leeway when you are homeless, but it's unofficial and unspoken, and could change at any time. The homeless industry makes vast sums from people living in hostels - fees of 2-300 pounds/week are not unusual. So if you find work you have to claim housing benefit while working - if you want to know what a nightmare that is read my article New Labour's secret war against the poor. Of course the Department of Work and Pensions know all this and you have to play the game of pretending to look for work and they pretend to believe you, but it is stress. Now I actually do not want to spend several years unemployed in a hostel - I have problems with insomnia and anxiety and I would find it very difficult to find and hold down work in a hostel environment, where there is always the threat of violence and a lot of noise at night. On the other hand I wouldn't want to let myself be pushed around as some pathetic soul either, and I know that I could react very violently in that situation if provoked - that's not a scenario I want thanks very much

However all the time I have been homeless I have been following a number of options, and more or less reached the last on the list; which is the idea of going into a hostel for a short time with the objective of getting re-housed in the North, where there is a lot of empty housing. But I'm asking myself, what then? I end up in some god-awful estate in Manchester, say, living on the dole i.e. about 50% of what the government knows people can live on, with no friends or contacts, and no useable work skills - before I became homeless I used to work in IT support (last job for Amnesty International) but after 4 years out of that - well, forget it. I have good skills in mental health, but those are skills in opposition to the mental health system in which I couldn't work, and also I have a lot of knowledge about "the world", have done a course in freelance journalism and can write effectively, but I can't see me breaking into journalism, can you?

Anyway, I see homelessness as a symptom of a bigger crisis in my life; I had a lot of psychic damage and what you might call 'moral harm' caused to me a long time ago, and the present situation throws me up against quite deep issues about where my life is going - simply to end up in some degrading job and in some crappy flat is not actually any kind of solution to anything - I'd rather shoot myself, and probably would.

My attitudes to being homeless are partly influenced by Taoism, and partly by my cynicism and anger towards the system that made and has kept me homeless. If you have read the previous article to this (How I became homeless) you will know how I feel about being made homeless. That being the case, and since I didn't choose to be in this appalling position, I'll get myself out of it in my own time, thanks very much, and I feel no guilt about any handouts I can get in the meantime. So for example, about a year ago I devoted several months in trying to write a very difficult article opposing the "medical model" of mental breakdown/distress with the objective of getting it printed in Open Mind. (I wasn't successful, because the subject matter is so intrinsically difficult that it's difficult to simplify enough for Open Mind) It was important to me to do that, and if you're homeless you've got to do things that are important to you, and not simply let yourself be defined in the terms of the system. I also wasted a lot of time last year playing a computer game called Civilisation - tough, my attitude is the system made me homeless; I'll get out of them what I can. As regards Taoism, this teaches you to 'go with the flow' - to deal with what is in front of you, rather than trying to push things through and when you're in a hole, to stop digging. So all the time I have been homeless I have been pursuing one plan or another.

Some of the arguments about why people are homeless can be divided into some version of it being a failure of the homeless person - drugs, alcohol, mental illness etc (the point of view of most of those making a lucrative living in the homeless industry) versus the system screws everyone at the bottom (my view). In my own case, the reasons I am still homeless are an intersection of personal weakness (anxiety and insomnia produced by the phenomenal amount of violence I was subjected to during my teenage) and the system trying to screw me. There are people who could actually find and hold down work in my situation - I admire them but I'm not one of them. (Don't tell the dole) But my internal problems are not any greater than many other people - if I had a flat and a job, I would be relatively OK.

Another factor (and you can take or leave this as you choose) is that I have had a lot of bad luck. I have an interest in shamanism and according to some extremely kind shamans who have (unsuccessfully) treated me (for free) in recent years I suffer from what's called 'soul loss' which means that you are vulnerable to bad luck. While I have been homeless I have escaped every few months to bothies in Scotland to use shamanic techniques to try to heal myself, but so far been unsuccessful. As I say, you can take or leave this analysis, but I find it makes sense to me

I will next be moving on to writing about some of my experiences in the last four years