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A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" ----- Ha ha!! I give that a 6 out of 10 One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge! - - - - - - - DEFINITELY A 10! A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come An elderly lady was well know for
her faith A college drama group presented a play in which one character Three sons
left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first
said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second
said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third
smiled and said: "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the
Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that
can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to
teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but
it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
will recite it." Soon
thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton,"
she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Marvin,"
she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time,
so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious." A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so A new pastor
was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious
that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the
door. He took out a business card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the
back and stuck the card in the door. When the
offering was received the following Sunday, he found that his card had been
returned. Added to it was this message, "Genesis 3:10". Reaching for his Bible to check out the passage, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock...." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, for I was naked...." The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily There once
was a rich man who was near death. He was very
grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to
take some of his wealth with him. 1. God
is number one... and das' All. 2.
Don't pray to nuthin' or nobody... jus' God. 3.
Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord. 4. When it be Sunday...
pass yo'self by God's House. 5. Yo
mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 7. God
done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. 8.
Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else. 9. Don't go wantin' somebody's
stuff. 10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna
fall out yo mouf! God is sitting in heaven when a scientist
prays to Him. "God, we don't
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of
nothing -- in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt
and form it into the likeness of you and
breathe life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very
interesting ... show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and
starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..."
interrupts God, "Get your own dirt." A Lady was telling her girlfriend about
a new present, "My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm
in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark
on his forehead." An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man
in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts
2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped
in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had
done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture
to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she
had an Ax and Two 38's!" Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the
hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and
then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts,
they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The
boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the
nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their
pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the
process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for
you. One for me. On for you. One for
me." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to
hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because
they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to
town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house.
"The cemetery. Come quick! "What's the matter?" his father
asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted.
"Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and
stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road
and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was
wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened
intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One
for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are
dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few
moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout
said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the
road, we'll have them all." A
priest was called away for an emergency.
Not wanting to leave the confessional
unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for him. The
rabbi told him he wouldn't
know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd
stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi
comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. A few minutes
later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have
sinned." The priest asks
"What did you do?" The woman says, "I
committed adultery." Priest: "How
many times?" Woman: "Three
times." Priest: "Say
two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the
confessional. He says, "Father
forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What
did you do?" Man: "I
committed adultery." Priest:"How
many times?" Man: "Three
times." Priest: "Say
two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the
priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later
another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I
have sinned." Rabbi: "What
did you do?" Woman: "I
committed adultery." Rabbi: "How
many times?" Woman:
"Once." Rabbi: "Go do
it two more times. We have a special
this week, three for $5." An Illinois man left the
snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send
his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which
he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in
from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note
was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose
husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one
look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the
floor in a dead faint. At
the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE, JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING’S PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE. There are two Mexicans
who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As
they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something
similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the
distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with
rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving
juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says Don Pedro,
"ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating
at the prospect of food. But as he
gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and
he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across
to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo,
run!! ees not a Bacon Tree" "ees... a.... Ham bush" |
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